7 of the Most Common Reasons Why Couples Get Divorced, According to Relationship Therapists
Since 1996 (or 2004, for those of us who were introduced via the movie), we’ve all been enamored by Allie and Noah’s romance from Nicholas Sparks' The Notebook. It’s got everything a couple could dream of having: persistence, passion and a gorgeous house—plus, it’s based on a true story.
Books and films like this give us hope that we’ll have the same type of love one day. We consider couples (like the one from The Notebook) who’ve been married for 40, 50, or even 60 years, as role models for our own relationships. After all, why wouldn’t you want a long, happy marriage with someone you love? For some couples, however, this isn’t as attainable as they thought—which is why we're covering the seven most common causes of divorce, according to therapists.
Divorce rates have been on the rise, but why? What causes a couple to call it quits? John Gottman’s indicators of divorce, also known as the four horsemen, are considered the gold standard for predicting whether or not a relationship will last. And after working with many couples, I’ve noticed that criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling are the ultimate negative communication patterns that signify “the end.”
However, sometimes there’s more to it than that. Many people are now asking themselves the question, “Is my marriage adding to my sense of personal fulfillment?” and thinking more individualistically. Rather than staying in a relationship that doesn’t make them happy, they are leaving and pursuing their own adventures.
But why? What makes divorce so imminent, and what are the warning signs? Let's get into it.
Related: The One Thing You Should Do With Your Money if You’re Considering Divorce
What Year of Marriage is Divorce the Most Common?
More and more couples are divorcing at older ages (think 20+ years of marriage). Whether they’ve been staying together for the kids, dealing with infidelity later on in life, or just growing apart, these “gray divorces” are on the rise.
This deviates from the typical times during a marriage when divorce is more likely: the first two years or between years five and eight.
On average, couples get divorced around 30 years old, with 60 percent of divorces happening from age 25-39.
Related: 15 Signs You're Married to an Emotionally Unavailable Husband, According to Experts
The 7 Most Common Reasons Why Couples Get Divorced, According to Therapists
Most people don’t enter a marriage with the intention of getting divorced. However, once the marriage progresses, couples start to ignore their problems or have hope they can change their partner, says Aurisha Smolarski, LMFT and co-parenting coach. Motivation and intention are key to saving a marriage with problems, she says, adding, “If they aren’t capable or do not want to put in the work necessary to establish a secure and lasting relationship, divorce may become inevitable.”
Let’s go through these warning signs by looking at the seven most common reasons why couples get divorced.
Related: 15 Phrases To Effectively End Any Argument, According to Psychologists
1. Conflict
Every marriage has conflict, no matter how solid its foundation is. Arguing over what you eat for dinner, whose turn it is to do the laundry, or because you’re getting on each other’s nerves are examples of small conflicts that every couple might deal with. If left unresolved, these day-to-day tufts can lead to a constant state of conflict, it’s probably time to reexamine the status of your relationship. It’s not something that will resolve itself, so once it’s past the point of no return, divorce might be on the horizon.
Related: 13 Phrases You Should Use During a Fight If You Have a Different Attachment Style Than Your Partner
2. Infidelity
You’ve probably heard the saying, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” While some couples can overcome infidelity, others simply can’t, making this statement more of a reality than a catchy saying. When your partner has an affair, you might feel confused and hurt; there also might be an instant lack of trust or even feelings of disgust to think of your partner with someone else. These feelings are hard to remedy, so it’s common (and, in some cases, almost expected) for divorce to follow news of infidelity.
3. Commitment
Marital commitment issues that lead to divorce go beyond not understanding the level of investment and involvement it takes to have a successful marriage. If you feel like your partner isn’t communicating well, backs out of a big decision you’ve made together, or starts to shut down conversations of the future, it’s time to have a conversation about commitment. A partner should cherish and honor you, not ignore you or create a one-sided relationship. After dealing with this for so long, the other partner is likely to divorce to invest in themself—or find someone else who will.
4. Intimacy Issues
Emotional intimacy, which is the connection you have with your partner, and physical intimacy, which refers to actions like hugging, kissing or sexual activity between partners, are essential to a marriage. It’s normal for intimacy to wax and wane throughout a relationship, but when it completely stops, that’s a sign that something may be wrong. A lack of intimacy can cause either partner to feel neglected, rejected, or unloved, which leads to dissatisfaction within the relationship. If there’s no connection, the chance of a divorce rises.
5. Communication
Communication is one of the leading causes of divorce, which makes it one of the most important things to work on in a marriage. But how do you know when to spot this? Your partner might do things like avoid talking about difficult or serious things, not hearing each other out in an argument, using demeaning language or lying.
Any of these examples, plus the hundreds of other ways ineffective communication can manifest in marriage, could create a significant problem in your relationship. If it’s not addressed (sooner rather than later) through something like seeking marriage counseling, the sooner you may be contacting a divorce attorney.
Related: 6 Ways Being a People-Pleaser Can Ruin Your Relationships, According to Therapists
6. Inequality
Marriage inequality is where one partner’s needs are prioritized over another, creating a power imbalance. Usually, inequality impacts a marriage most when responsibilities like raising children or doing household chores aren’t split as evenly and equitably as possible.
Jolee Vacchi, a lawyer specializing in family law, says this is particularly true for millennial women. “This generation grew up being told that they could 'have it all'—the successful career, motherhood in all its glory, a beautiful and well-maintained home, and a happy marriage. But in reality, they have found that they can't have it all, at least, not all at the same time and certainly not without a supportive partner who shares in the household and child-related responsibilities.”
This level of inequality increases resentment in couples and eventually leads to divorce, especially when it’s clear that the division of labor (or whatever other lifestyle dynamic that’s causing the inequality).
Related: This Is the One Thing To Ask Yourself To Be a Better Partner, According to a Therapist
7. Abuse
Any type of physical, emotional, sexual or other type of abuse is the final straw for many marriages. A 2019 review of a University of Denver and Insider study reports that domestic violence (DV), or intimate partner violence (IPV), caused 23.5 percent of surveyed couples to divorce.
Financial abuse is another contributor to divorce, which is where one partner has financial control over the other, such as forcing an allowance, denying access to money, or dictating what the partner can and can’t spend money on.
Many people who are being abused are unable to escape a dangerous marriage safely, staying due to financial dependence on their abuser, fear of further violence, or due to a lack of resources or outside support—making it complicated to divorce an abusive partner. Once they are able to leave, having IPV on the docket doesn’t necessarily speed up the divorce process, but it does allow you to get some type of legal protection order. Every state has different regulations about DV and IPV, so not everyone’s experience will be the same.
* If you are a victim of any type of abuse, there are resources available to help—call 800-799-7233 to reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline or text START to 88788.
Related: 35 Common Gaslighting Phrases in Relationships and How To Respond, According to Therapists
What’s Next?
Now that you’re aware of the most common reasons why couples get divorced, you know the proper precautions to take in your own relationship. Whether you’re considering marriage, are engaged or are already married, it’s important to watch out for communication issues, high conflict and everything in between.
Kara Francis, divorce mediator and coach, echoes this from her experience in working with couples looking to separate. She says, “When couples fail to adequately communicate about these issues, their level of trust in each other slowly starts to chip away. If that course of conduct continues for a significant period of time, it eventually erodes intimacy because you cannot have intimacy without trust”—ultimately leading to divorce.
Going through the divorce process isn’t easy, but it can sometimes be prevented. Signing up for marriage counseling is one way to address some of these common issues and begin to heal. For help, find a couples counselor or marriage therapist near you.
Next: 25 Best Couples Retreats To Reignite the Spark in Any Relationship
