This Is the One Thing To Ask Yourself To Be a Better Partner, According to a Therapist

Jessica Sager
Updated ·3 min read

It's likely not what you think.

Most people—at least those with whom you'd want to be in a relationship—want to know how to be a better partner. There are books that can be read, TikTok accounts that can be followed and more, but ultimately, while this can all be helpful, it really comes down to one question you should be asking yourself.

The best question to ask yourself if you're wondering how to be a better partner is simple, but genius, according to Juliet Lam Kuehnle, MS, NCC, LCMHCS, therapist and author of Who You Callin’ Crazy: The Journey from Stigma to Therapy.

However, what makes it tricky is that the ultimate key to being a better partner is counterintuitive to most.

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How To Be a Better Partner: One Thing To Ask Yourself

That question is: Do I know how to get my own needs met alongside the needs of my partner?

"This question allows us to consider a multitude of important factors that contribute to a healthy relationship," Lam Kuehnle says. These factors are:

  • Self-awareness

  • Self-care

  • Assertiveness

  • Communication skills

  • Coping skills

  • Our ability to appropriately support our partner

"How attuned we are to our own needs, and then how we get them met, says a lot about our emotional intelligence," she explains. "Appropriately meeting our own needs is truly foundational. If we can do this well, it likely means we know how to self-soothe, self-regulate and co-regulate, and that we can more clearly communicate."

Of course, knowing what your needs are isn't always easy, and Lam Kuehnle says it can be downright intimidating for those used to prioritizing others over themselves—but it's not impossible.

"We can reflect on when we feel most at ease and when we feel most tense, for example," Lam Kuehnle says, "or when we feel most fulfilled versus when we feel most depleted. Starting to notice patterns between these can allow us to recognize boundaries we might need to set and self-care we can put into place."

She also recommends evaluating your true values and whether how you're living is aligned with them.

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Having the skills necessary to meet our own needs and communicate our needs to our partners, Lam Kuehnle explains, helps prevent disrespect and the Gottman Institute's “four horsemen” of relationship dysfunction: contempt, criticism, stonewalling and defensiveness.

Of course, communicating that your partner isn't necessarily meeting your needs can be such an uncomfortable conversation that many people avoid it, leading to resentment. Don't do that! Instead, Lam Kuehnle says, embrace your assertiveness.

"Assertiveness is the sweet spot between passivity and aggression. Assertiveness allows us to claim our feelings, share them directly, and leave room for validating and acknowledging someone else's feelings. A good example of assertiveness is using 'I language' with a script of, 'When you ___, I feel ___.'"

One example: "When you show up late, I feel disrespected."

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"This allows the speaker to take responsibility for their feelings and won't elicit as much defensiveness. It can be a good launching point for then brainstorming a solution together," she explains.

Additionally, when our own needs are met via self-care, Lam Kuehnle says, we're more able to show up for the ones we love.

"When both parties feel valued and secure in this, they will form a healthier attachment," she notes. "Having our own needs means we are better positioned to be present with others, support them, and contribute to a reciprocal relationship."

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