10 Signs You're Settling in Your Relationship, According to Therapists

Beth Ann Mayer
·9 min read

"Never settle," the memes read. Settling has a bad rap, especially in romantic relationships. "Sub-par," "not good enough" and "miserable" are words that come to mind when thinking of someone who has "settled" for someone else. Concerned this is what's happening with you? We've got 10 signs you're settling in your relationship, according to therapists.

"Settling in a relationship is when your wants, needs, expectations and deepest desires aren't being met in the relationship, but you choose to stay," says Heather England, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychotherapist, certified sex therapist and CEO of Love Filled Life.

But experts share it's easy to mistake the signs of settling for being realistic. After all, you're looking for the "right" person and not the "perfect" one—the latter doesn't exist (sorry!). How can you tell whether you're settling or being realistic? Therapists unpacked that and revealed 10 red flags that you're settling in your relationship.

Related: 35 Signs He's Absolutely 'The One' for You, According to Relationship Experts

What Does 'Settling in a Relationship' Mean?

Settling is considered a relationship problem, but one couple's therapist says the origins are personal to individuals.

"When partners settle in a relationship, it means that they are accepting less than they are worth either because of the partner they have chosen or because they are not investing in improving the relationship," says Heather Z. Lyons, Ph.D., owner of Baltimore Therapy Group and co-founder of online therapist search platform WithTherapy.

What's the Difference Between 'Settling' and 'Being Realistic'?

Therapists say "settling" and "being realistic" are easily confused but differ significantly. Dr. England says settling is about compromising yourself in a way that makes you unhappy, while being realistic is about balance and understanding.

"Settling connotes unhappiness because you are sacrificing your happiness, needs and dreams in order for the relationship to survive," Dr. Lyons explains. "After all, you are compromising yourself and settling for less than what you truly want."

The compromising piece is critical when differentiating between the two.

"Being realistic involves understanding the strengths and limitations of the relationship without compromising your happiness and fulfillment," Dr. England says. "It's striking a healthy balance between understanding yourself, your partner and the relationship and being mindful about what's acceptable and what isn't."

Related: 'Till Death Do Us Part! 200 Funny Marriage Jokes and Sayings About Matrimony

Is It Ever Good To Settle in a Relationship?

It's a controversial question, and even therapists gave mixed responses. Anna Hindell, LCSW-R, CIYT, an NYC-based licensed clinical social worker and Iyengar yoga teacher, is on team "never settle."

"By settling, you are choosing a partner whom you otherwise wouldn’t choose because you fear you won’t get who or what you want," Hindell says. "Entering into a relationship under these conditions is misleading to your partner as relationships are based on mutual trust, communication and a shared understanding of wanting to be together."

Dr. England says there may be situations where it's OK to settle.

"It's only good to settle in a relationship if the majority of your wants and needs are getting met, the relationship feels balanced overall and you are mindful about the choices you're making to settle," Dr. England says. "Nearly everyone settles about something in their relationship."

But in these situations, you could argue it goes back to distinguishing between settling and realism. Dr. Lyons loves this quote by the late psychologist Daniel B. Wile: "When choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next 10, 20 or 50 years."

"In this quote, he’s sharing that because a partnership is made up of two separate people with their own personalities and needs that have built up over a lifetime," Dr. Lyons says. "You will never date a clone of your own set of personality and needs."

Therefore, you can expect conflict in a relationship—and in some situations, couples can put unresolvable conflict aside without falling into the misery associated with "settling."

"It is realistic to assume that couples will need to learn to negotiate unresolvable conflict over the course of their relationship," Dr. Lyons says. "What will matter is the way that they manage conflict around these problems even more than the problems themselves."

Related: 'Who's Your Yellow Person?' Explained—The Heartwarming Trend Is Back and Sweeter Than Ever

How Long Does It Take To Settle?

Sometimes, you may feel you should give a relationship more time—is it even possible to "settle" right away? Actually, yes.

"Some people make a decision right away to settle into a relationship because they have a competing need that keeps them in the relationship," Hindell says. "For example, if someone is really lonely and doesn't want to be single, they may choose a partner who isn't ideal but 'good enough.' This could be misleading or, at worst, lying to the other partner if these arrangements are not communicated."

But settling can also happen gradually.

"If people enter into a relationship over time and realize that they aren't happy but decide to stay with the person, they are settling," Hindell says. "If a person realizes they are not getting an essential need met but decide to stay, they are settling."

Related: The #1 Best Way To Stop Being Defensive in Relationships, According to Therapists

10 Signs You're Settling in a Relationship

1. You are scared you won't get what you want

Hindell clarifies that fleeting thoughts that you won't get what you want if you settle down with someone isn't settling.

"But if your fear takes over and your end up choosing a partner driven by fear, it isn't a relationship based on mutual understanding and trust, and you are settling for less than who or what you really want," Hindell says.

2. You suppress your personality

Accepting flaws, differences in opinion or lifestyle and quirks is a two-way street. If you feel like you're playing a fictional character in your relationship to avoid a breakup, that's a red flag.

"That's very unhealthy in the long run and will lead to unhappiness," Dr. England warns. "The gold standard of secure love is being able to be 100 percent authentically you and know that your partner will love and accept you. That's what we all want in our loving relationships."

3. You avoid talking about your partner and your relationship with your loved ones

Discussing topics other than your relationship when you're around loved ones is natural—you have catching up to do. But it's worth exploring if you're actively avoiding discussing it.

"It could be that you feel ashamed of the relationship in a way that reflects your honest appraisal of the relationship or your partner," says Dr. Lyons.

4. You’ve been in couples counseling and haven’t seen results

Couples counseling can be a useful tool for keeping people together. Dr. Lyons says it might also reveal that you should be apart (and are settling).

5. Your gut tells you this is the wrong relationship

Often, we listen to our hearts in relationships. But what does your gut say about the whole thing?

"I tell my clients to be curious about what their gut is telling them and what feelings it brings up," Dr. England shares. "We explore why they are listening or ignoring their gut."

6. You are staying together for the kids

Though not applicable to everyone, Dr. England says she notices couples constantly cite kids as a reason to stay together even when they're happy. It's actually a sign of settling, and it doesn't help anyone—kids included.

"[A lot of my clients] stay because they are afraid they will damage their children if they divorce," Dr. England says. "Instead, they are unhappy and end up modeling a poor relationship, or their children become sensitive to their sadness and feel emotionally responsible for them, also known as being codependent."

7. You chronically put your needs aside, and your partner is no exception

Sometimes, compromise and sacrifice are necessary for a relationship. But Hindell says if it's a chronic behavior—and you're always the one doing it—you could be on the fast track to settling if you're not there already.

8. You feel the pressure of time

You wanted to be married by 25 and have kids by 30. You are now 35 and have done neither. Guess what? It's better than settling.

"Perhaps you want a baby, to grow old with someone or to buy a home with someone, which are all good things to want," Hindell says. "But if you get into a relationship dictated by the pressure of time, you will likely be settling for a partner out of convenience, not out of mutual understanding."

9. You avoid intimacy and vulnerability

Hindell says that intimacy and vulnerability are bedrocks of a healthy relationship.

"If this isn't possible in the relationship, you are missing out on the potential of mutual understanding," Hindell says. "If you continue in a relationship that avoids any intimacy and vulnerability, you will likely build up resentment over time, which can lead to fighting and frustration within the relationship."

Dr. England agrees.

"When you and your partner have disconnected so much that you have fallen into roommate status, that's a warning sign that you need to take a close look at the health of your relationship," Dr. England says.

10. You are hoping to change your partner

Some conflict is unresolvable. Can you accept it and still be happy...or not?

"Anyone in a relationship has ways they wish their partner would change, but if you enter into a relationship with the hopes that your partner will change in some specific way, you are entering into a relationship where you don't accept the person as they are," Hindell says. "This is settling for less than what and who you want."

The #1 Way To Avoid Settling in Relationships

Settling's poor connotation is well-deserved, experts think. Want to avoid it in the first place? Dr. England says you need to know yourself before getting to know someone intimately. Ask yourself: What do you need to create the type of life you want?

"It allows you to be realistic about relationships and not make decisions that are 100 percent based on emotions," Dr. England says. "The healthiest people are able to make choices that balance their emotional and realistic thoughts. Knowing who you are helps you to feel confident, set boundaries and get your needs met."

Sources: