35 Common Gaslighting Phrases in Relationships and How To Respond, According to Therapists
Examples of the lies that are told to create confusion.
Are you in a relationship with someone who causes you to doubt yourself? You may be feeling confused by what the person is telling you, or wondering if you are losing it. In this dynamic, your memories might seem very clear but the other person deliberately misleads you with their own story and creates insecurity, self-doubt and confusion in their partner by using certain gaslighting phrases like, "That's not what happened" or "You're overthinking it."
It may not be obvious to you right away. "Gaslighting is a process," explains Sherry Gaba, LCSW, psychotherapist, life coach and author. "It happens over a long time and involves telling a partner a false version of a story, telling them they’re imagining things, or that they’re overly dramatic or emotional. This constant deceit creates doubt in your memories and experiences."
This type of abuse empowers the narcissist, who Gaba characterizes as a person who feels entitled, arrogant and feels a need to exploit others. They feel superior to other people but also feel it necessary to bring others down—namely, their partner.
If you are beginning to wonder if you are a victim of gaslighting, there are some common gaslighting phrases that you will want to pay attention to. Here are 35 phrases that might sound familiar, along with advice on how to best respond.
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What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is "a type of psychological abuse aimed at making victims seem or feel 'crazy,' creating a 'surreal' interpersonal environment," as defined by Paige L. Sweet of Harvard University in "The Sociology of Gaslighting." Gaslighting "should be understood as rooted in social inequalities, including gender, and executed in power-laden intimate relationships."
Related: 11 Subtle Signs of Gaslighting To Look For in Your Relationship
35 Common Gaslighting Phrases
These are some of the examples of what you could hear on a regular basis from someone who is gaslighting you.
1. "I did that because I was trying to help you."
This is a manipulative way to make a person feel guilty for getting angry about a certain action or words. Claiming a false intention causes the abused person to begin having self-doubt and to question their own interpretation.
You may find yourself continually apologizing. However, Gaba recommends keeping it simple and just stating, "I understand your perspective." Then disengage.
2. "That's not what happened."
A gaslighter will change the version of a story to however they want it. Then, they will persuade you that you are the one who is wrong or has a faulty memory. It won't be true and when you recognize that, trust yourself and don't take the blame. "Challenge 'their' reality [by] journaling or reflecting back on situations and recognizing their gaslighting and manipulation for what it was and see the situation accurately," suggests Gaba.
3. "You're crazy."
A narcissist will want to make you question yourself. This could lead to low self-confidence and anxiety.
Related: Taylor Swift Might Have Embraced the Term, but What Exactly Is a 'Covert Narcissist'?
4. "This is why you don't have friends."
One of the tactics of a gaslighter is to isolate their partner or make them feel devalued. They may even go as far as to "talk to anyone and everyone about your lack of caring, empathy, understanding and commitment to the relationship while making themselves out to be the long-suffering victim of your emotional abuse," says Gaba.
5. "This is your own fault."
Gaslighters are great at twisting the blame to cause doubt and confusion. "Stop the self-blame—learning to let go of blaming yourself and recognizing the toxic behavior of the other partner is critical for recovery," advises Gaba.
6. "That is hardly important."
They will work to trivialize your concerns or suggestions which is another way to devalue a person.
7. "That's not what I meant."
If you confront your narcissistic partner about something they said that was hurtful, they will deny what was said or change the meaning. This leaves you feeling like you could be interpreting things wrong and cause more self-doubt. However, the way that you took what was said is probably true.
8. "It's not that big of a deal."
Another way to trivialize your feelings or worth is to state that the situation is not that big of a deal.
9. "You're too sensitive."
When you try to express yourself to a gaslighter, they will diminish your feelings. It's another way for them to make you feel like you have no value. In this situation, licensed psychotherapist Ginger Dean advises that a good response would be, “My feelings are valid, and to be clear, I am not asking you to validate them." She explains that "this response reasserts your right to have your own emotions without being told you’re too sensitive for feeling them. They don't get to tell you how you should feel or what emotions are appropriate or not appropriate for a given situation."
10. "It was just a joke!"
Calling something a joke is a great way to passively put another person down. In the case of gaslighting, it is even something more. It calls into question your ability to discern truth from fiction.
Related: How to Deal With a Narcissist... When You Suddenly Realize You're in a Relationship with One
11. "You're overthinking it."
This gaslighting phrase is a way to belittle what you have to say. Basically, they want you to think that you are assuming too much and the facts aren't true.
12. "You're being paranoid."
Instead of a gaslighter owning up to something they are suspected of doing, they will try and make you think that you are just being paranoid. Do some self-reflecting and ask yourself if you've been accused by anyone else of being paranoid. Also, think about what is making you suspect your partner of doing something wrong. What kind of evidence is there?
13. "You're making that up."
Basically, you are being accused of lying. This will cause major frustration and will just feed the narcissist when you try to argue or explain. Any of your words will be used against you and could even cause shame. Dean suggests responding with: "Whether or not you believe me doesn't change the truth of what happened. I know what I experienced/saw/heard and my memory is accurate."
Dean goes on to say, "This response puts the focus back on reality rather than allowing it to devolve into an argument about who is right or wrong about something that has already happened in the past. It reinforces your right to trust yourself and your recollections—even if they differ from the other person's version of events. It also acknowledges that everyone has different memories and experiences, without invalidating either person's perspective on what happened or didn't happen".
14. "You're overreacting."
Like being accused of overthinking, your reactions will also be called into question.
15. "I don't know what you want me to say."
This is a way for your partner to make you feel like you won't accept anything they say, so it's your problem.
16. "Everyone agrees with me."
A way to make you feel ganged up on. The gaslighter wants you to believe you must be wrong when everyone else agrees with them.
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17. "How dare you accuse me of that!"
This is a stronger way of saying you're paranoid. It turns the accusation back on you which could lead to shame and maybe even feeling a need to apologize.
18. "I can't have any negative emotions around you."
A gaslighting phrase like this is to make you feel like you are the one who is being insensitive. The idea is to make you feel bad.
19. "You always blow things out of proportion."
Anytime "always" is used in a statement, it is an exaggeration. Trust your feelings and simply state what you know to be true.
20. "Don't worry about it right now."
A way to put off a conversation and not give you the time you need to express yourself.
21. "You have no clue."
This statement is an effort by the gaslighter to shut down the conversation. They may use it especially when they are feeling threatened by what you're saying and want to drag you down.
22. "Who are they going to believe?"
The gaslighter believes themselves to be superior and without error. This phrase intends to make you doubt yourself.
23. "You're not perfect either."
As if you expect them to be perfect. This is a way to deflect the behavior back on you.
24. "Let's forgive and forget."
This is a sure way to make you feel guilty if you can't forgive and forget. It is also making the assumption that you need forgiveness too. Basically, it's just a way to shut down the conversation.
25. "Why are you always bringing up the past?"
Since a gaslighter likes to reinvent the past, they will feel threatened if you bring up the truth about the past. This is a way to twist things around and take the focus off themselves. It's a way to make you feel like the bad guy instead.
Related: If Something Feels a Little Off, Make Sure You're Watching Out for These 40 Relationship Red Flags
26. "This is how you treat me after everything I've done for you?"
Talk about a guilt trip! Again, this is a way to deflect their bad behavior back onto you and makes it sound like they are the victim.
27. "We already talked about this—don't you remember?"
A tactic used to make you question your own memory. In the gaslighter's reinvented version of the past, they'll try to make you believe what they want.
28. "You always have to be right."
It's ironic that the gaslighter who, in fact, always needs to be right, would accuse their partner of the same.
29. "I think you need counseling."
This is a way to invalidate your thoughts and feelings. Instead of listening and communicating about them, the gaslighter tries to make it sound like it's not normal to feel the way you do.
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30. "You have an active imagination."
Similar to stating that you are just making something up, this statement is also meant to frustrate you. Stick to your guns and respond that you know what the truth is.
31. "You think you're so smart."
It's a way of saying you are not smart and is meant to devalue what you say.
32. "You're not making any sense."
This is another common gaslighting phrase that is intended to make the other person appear crazy.
33. "Why are you trying to confuse me?"
This phrase is the most ironic. All the while that the gaslighter is trying to confuse you, they will turn it around to make it look like you are confusing them.
34. "Get your facts straight."
This is another gaslighting phrase that makes you question yourself. Always remember that the goal of the gaslighter is to make themselves look good and you look bad.
35. "You never told me that."
One of the goals of a gaslighter is to make you not trust your memory. Before believing that you are losing it, think about whether anyone else has brought up the fact that you don't remember things. Chances are that they are the only one.
Related: Everyone's Talking About Attachment Styles in Relationships—Which One Are You?
How To Respond to Gaslighting Phrases
With any of the gaslighting phrases, the key to a good response is to, as Gaba says it, "not feed the narcissist". It's important to learn about narcissist behavior so that you can recognize it and respond with a clear head. Try not to argue or justify yourself as this only tends to backfire and give the narcissist more ammo to use against you. Instead, disengage from the conversation with calm responses and walk away when necessary. You're not dealing with rational behavior at this point.
"Gaslighting is essential for the fantasy world of the narcissist," says Gaba. "They will create a narrative of how something occurred that makes them look good, and you look bad. They will maintain this narrative and make statements that you are misremembering, have something wrong, or are experiencing some sort of mental or emotional crisis."
Dean advises simply stating what you know to be true. "It reinforces your right to trust yourself and your recollections—even if they differ from the other person's version of events. It also acknowledges that everyone has different memories and experiences, without invalidating either person's perspective on what happened or didn't happen," Dean explains.
It's important to be aware of the common phrases that a gaslighter will use. Once you begin to see a pattern, you can protect yourself by realizing what your partner is doing and then standing firm to what you know is the truth.
Next Up: Here's What 'Medical Gaslighting' Means—and How to Know If You're a Victim of It
Sources
Sherry Gaba, LCSW, psychotherapist, life coach and author.
Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851–875. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419874843
Ginger Dean, licensed psychotherapist.
