9 Ways Dating a Narcissist Changes You and How To Heal
It's a swipe-tap dating world, and some people are just trying to survive.
"Dating can be a fun and exhausting process," says Michele Goldman, Psy.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. "People who are actively dating describe it as a time commitment. Some even call it a part-time job because it requires constant effort and commitment."
But dating a narcissist is a toxic part-time job. One that you'll want to quiet-quit or just plain quit—especially when you think about how dating a narcissist changes you.
"Dating a narcissist adds a different layer to the mix," says Goldman.
The word "narcissist" was once used in therapy rooms but has spilled onto social media. Experts share that it sometimes gets misused. Still, narcissism isn't a buzzword—it's a personality type people encounter while dating. Goldman says knowing red flags can help.
"It's important to educate yourself about the different personality types you might be meeting while dating," Goldman says. "This can help to emotionally protect yourself during the process, set and maintain realistic expectations, and not be emotionally blindsided by potential partners."
People in relationships with narcissists may also be blindsided by the ways they are changing. Therapists shared more about what narcissism really means, the harms of dating a narcissist and how to heal from the experience.
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What Is Narcissism?
It's a commonly-used word these days, but what does narcissism actually mean? "Generally speaking, narcissism means someone has a high degree of interest in themselves, their physical appearance [and] their interests," Dr. Goldman says.
Most people will display some level of narcissism at one time or another—most of us are a little self-centered or have an ego in certain situations. But narcissistic personality disorder is about more than ego.
"While some people may have narcissistic tendencies, people with narcissistic personality disorder have no ability to empathize or understand the effects their behaviors have on those around them," says Shari Botwin, LCSW and author of Thriving After Trauma.
One major issue? People with narcissism can be sneaky about it, especially at first—a challenge for daters, especially ones using apps and services.
"In most cases, narcissists are also charming, likable people," Botwin says.
Related: 25 Red Flags That Signify a Toxic Relationship, According to Psychotherapists
What Is Narcissistic Abuse?
Dr. Goldman says narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional abuse. "The abuser attempts to gain control of another via coercion, manipulation and gaslighting," Dr. Goldman says. "All of these tactics lead a person to question the reality of the situation, feeling uncertain about or questioning what is real."
Dr. Goldman adds that narcissistic abuse can also turn physical, sexual and financial—none are OK. Botwin says that any narcissistic abuse can be damaging to the person on the receiving end.
"People who endure this type of treatment report being belittled, disregarded, humiliated and discarded," says Botwin.
Related: 150 Narcissist Quotes to Help You Understand, Cope With and Defeat Narcissism In Your Own Life
What Are Red Flags of Narcissistic Abuse To Look Out For?
Love bombing
Love bombing involves over-the-top displays of affection, like expensive gifts or near-constant compliments. It often reels a person in by baiting them.
"Love bombing often shows up at the beginning of a relationship," says Botwin.
Gaslighting
Another buzzy—and sometimes misunderstood term—gaslighting is a common tactic used in narcissistic abuse.
"When you try to call out your abuser with hurtful behavior, does he/she/they accuse you of lying or misinterpreting what just occurred?" Botwin suggests asking yourself.
Dr. Goldman says that common gaslighting phrases include "that didn't happen," "you're misremembering" and "you're really overreacting."
"This is what a partner does when they are trying to negate your experience and manipulate your perspective," Goldman says.
Related: 35 Common Gaslighting Phrases in Relationships and How To Respond, According to Therapists
Lack of boundaries
Boundaries are sexy—but not to a narcissist.
"Do you feel like you cannot say no to this person? When you attempt to reinforce your limits, are you made to feel like a bad person?" Botwin asks.
You could be in a narcissistic abusive relationship if your answers are yes.
Faux empathy
Sometimes, a narcissist will say something almost empathetic, such as, "I'm sorry you're sad."
"But they will have a hard time understanding how you actually feel," Dr. Goldman says. "They will struggle to relate to what you're saying, won't understand why you feel how you feel, might question how you feel and try to challenge your emotional reactions."
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How Dating a Narcissist Changes You, According to Therapists
1. Trust issues
Trust is one of the major things lost when dating a narcissist. You may have a hard time not only trusting others but your own sense of reality. It's completely understandable.
"When we are gaslit for a period of time and question reality, it can be difficult to rebuild trust in self around what is real," Dr. Goldman says.
This loss of trust can have a profound ripple effect. You'll notice it's mentioned as a foundational piece for numerous other ways dating a narcissist changes you.
2. It seeps into your current and future relationships with others
Dating a narcissist can change the way you view other people and dating.
"If you are engaged in a cycle of narcissistic abuse, you might have different opinions about other people and the world," Dr. Goldman says. "You might feel people are unable to be trusted and that people will hurt you and manipulate you."
3. Difficulty with intimacy
Again, trust is often at the core of intimacy challenges after dating a narcissist.
"You might become more guarded, have more boundaries or put up walls with other people," Dr. Goldman says. "While that is perhaps functional and healthy in the short term, it might impact longer-term intimate connections with others."
4. Loss of your sense of self
Botwin says that narcissists can belittle people so severely that they may question their very existence.
"One client told me, 'I feel like I have lost my footing and that I have no idea who I am or why I am here,'" Botwin says.
You do belong, and there is a reason you're here—it's vital to reach out for help if you have these thoughts.
5. Body image
Narcissists often use hurtful words around a partner's appearance, and the person begins to believe they're right.
"It is common that narcissists will put you down, comment on your body and self-worth," Dr. Goldman says. "This can lead to feeling insecure in your body."
6. Loss of self-worth
"Narcissists have a way of diminishing other people's worth and often leave them feeling unlovable and undeserving of being treated with respect and concern," Botwin says.
One client, recalling a relationship with a narcissistic mother, told Botwin that she never felt good enough no matter what. These thoughts are also common in people dating narcissists, Botwin notes.
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7. Control issues
Dr. Goldman says control issues can present in different forms.
"[It] might include never having sex again or having sex often or becoming restrictive with food or binging on food," Dr. Goldman says.
But there's a common thread if these behaviors are triggered by dating a narcissist.
"After having lost a sense of control in your life, some people will try to regain control while others think it is impossible to feel a sense of control ever again," says Dr. Goldman.
8. Constant self-blame
Dating a narcissist can send your inner critic into overdrive.
"Narcissists are also known to be very critical," Botwin says. "That person may shift the blame and deny any ownership of the bad behavior."
When you hear that it's "your fault" so many times, you may begin to think it's true, even in situations that don't involve the narcissist.
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9. Difficulty making decisions
Coercion and gaslighting will do this to you.
"The impact of dating [a narcissist] is that you might be questioning right and, wrong," Dr. Goldman says. "As a result, it can be difficult to trust your judgment or know what choices to make."
Related: 35 Phrases to Disarm a Narcissist
Can Living with a Narcissist Change Your Personality?
Not necessarily, but it certainly can.
"Some of this will be impacted by the level of narcissism of your partner, but it might also be related to how much you are able to set realistic expectations about what is happening with your partner," Dr. Goldman says.
Dr. Goldman says that a person may be less impacted if they can identify what their partner is doing, anticipate manipulations and set realistic expectations about what they can and cannot do. For example, a narcissist may be unable to be emotionally empathetic.
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What Does Dating a Narcissist Do to Your Brain?
Dr. Goldman says interacting with a narcissistic partner can leave you feeling like you're perpetually walking on eggshells. These feelings can activate the flight-freeze-fawn response, similar to what a person experiences after a traumatic event.
"The body will be in a state of activation or guardedness," Dr. Goldman explains. "The brain will not be as sharp with executive functioning—more specifically, decision-making, judgment, insight, problem-solving and processing speed might all be slower or impaired in some way."
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What Is the Aftermath of Being in a Relationship With a Narcissist?
Botwin says narcissistic partners make you question your worth and sense of self.
"This type of treatment leads to a lack of trust in oneself and others and an inability to identify and set boundaries," Botwin says. "Most of the clients I have worked with have suffered from PTSD, anxiety and depression, months and even years after they leave their abusers."
You may also be more inclined to date a narcissist again.
"It is not uncommon for people to attract multiple narcissists before realizing that the pathology is present and that these types of relationships are toxic," Botwin explains.
But there's hope on the other side.
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How To Heal From a Narcissistic Partner
1. Label the abuse
Bowin says this step is the first on the road to healing.
"Recognize the behaviors and reinforce that being called names, belittled, controlled or humiliated are not acceptable," Botwin says.
2. Seek help
A therapist can help you unpack what happened.
"In most cases, therapy is needed to help people gain awareness and understanding about the pathology," says Botwin.
A professional can also help you avoid a pattern of dating narcissists by using your new-found understanding.
Related: 150 Journaling Prompts for Self-discovery
3. Rebuild trust in yourself
Narcissists can rob you of the ability to trust yourself. Take it back little by little.
"Remember that trust is a continuum," Dr. Goldman. "You might not trust yourself entirely, but you do trust yourself to do some things. Name those things and see that list start to grow."
4. Give yourself time and space to heal
You may want your old life and self of self back ASAP. But healing from a narcissistic partner can take time.
"It might take weeks, months or years to understand the impact of having a narcissistic partner, Dr. Goldman says. "The manipulation and coercion did not happen overnight…neither will the healing."
Dr. Goldman says journaling about your progress can help it feel less stagnant.
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5. Reconnect
In addition to professional help, rekindling personal relationships with affirming people can be so healing.
"Reconnect with people who knew you, who you trusted prior to the relationship," Dr. Goldman says. "Seek support from those people, especially the ones that promoted feeling emotionally safe."
You may find yourself trusting them—progress!
6. Learn
You can't change what happened in the narcissistic relationship. But you can use it to avoid dating another person with this behavior.
"Take time to reflect on the abusive patterns and use that as an opportunity to learn more about yourselves and others moving forward," Botwin says.
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Sources:
Michele Goldman, Psy.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor
Shari Botwin, LCSW and author of Thriving After Trauma.
