13 Phrases You Should Use During a Fight If You Have a Different Attachment Style Than Your Partner
Fights happen—even between couples who finish each other's sentences on the regular. And when tensions flare, we may resort to saying things we don't mean—it happens. But relationship therapists share it's best to avoid an "anything goes" approach to fights. This is especially important to keep in mind if you naturally have a different attachment style than your partner.
"It is important to know what to say during fights in relationships because it helps you fight fair," says Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist with South County Psychiatry. "This will bring you closer to being able to get what you want while also solidifying your relationship and conflict resolution skills. Effective communication is essential to a secure relationship."
But the right words for the heat of the moment aren't one-size-fits-all. Your attachment styles matter, and they may be different. You may have never heard of the term "attachment style," but you've been developing one since childhood.
"Attachment styles characterize how we interact and behave in relationships," Dr. Schiff says.
How can you determine your attachment styles and use this information to have more productive fights? Relationship therapists weighed in.
Related: 35 Powerful Phrases When You Need Emotional and Spiritual Repair and Relief
What Are Attachment Styles?
There are four: Secure attachment, avoidant attachment, ambivalent attachment and disorganized attachment, explains Dr. Lee Phillips, a psychotherapist and certified sex & couples therapist. Dr. Phillips says psychoanalyst and psychologist John Bowlby first developed the idea of attachment styles in the 1950s. Each attachment carries general, hallmark preferences and behaviors.
Secure: People with secure attachments are safe and nurturing and offer comfort.
Avoidant: Individuals with an avoidant attachment style are checked out and isolated in relationships.
Anxious-Ambivalent: These individuals are anxious and experience fear of abandonment and jealousy.
Disorganized: People with a disorganized attachment style are unable to regulate emotions. They fear rejection, lack trust and possess high anxiety.
Related: Everyone's Talking About Attachment Styles in Relationships—Which One Are You?
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How Do Attachment Styles Form?
Dr. Lee explains that attachment styles develop in childhood.
"The idea is based on the attachment that we receive from our caregivers," says Dr. Lee. "This attachment based on childhood will determine the child's social development as an adult in relationships."
For example, if a caregiver is present, nurturing and responsive to an infant's needs, they will likely develop a secure attachment. But say a caregiver is dismissive, critical, easily irritated and eager to punish.
"This will result in the child having an avoidant attachment style because they will feel scared and rejected and suffer from emotional isolation," Dr. Phillips explains.
If a caregiver is inconsistent and chronically indifferent, a child is more susceptible to developing an anxious-ambivalent style.
"[The child] will feel stressed, insecure and angry," says Dr. Lee. "They will experience emotional abandonment, be unable to control their impulsivity, and they can become unsociable and aggressive."
And a child who grows up with an emotionally dysregulated, unpredictable caregiver unable to develop a strategy to fulfill their needs is more likely to develop a disorganized attachment style.
Can You Change Your Attachment Style?
Potentially. Dr. Lee says attachment styles aren't set in stone. Though much of the theory is based on caregivers, they aren't the only factor in a person's attachment style. Attachment styles also aren't binary. A person may have more than one or be a mix of a few.
"Your attachment style may vary depending on your environment, the circumstances you are facing or the type of relationship you are in," says Dr. Lee. "Attachment styles are not black and white—instead, they exist on a spectrum or continuum. You may find that you do not fit neatly into one attachment style."
Related: Experts Say There Are 4 Major Stages to Every Relationship: Which One Are You In?
How to Figure Out Your Attachment Style
Dr. Lee suggests asking yourself some questions:
How comfortable are you with intimacy and closeness?
How much do you avoid intimacy?
How anxious do you feel about your partner's love and interest in you?
Do you constantly worry about the relationship?
Remember that the goal is not to learn you have a secure attachment but to pinpoint your style. Give yourself grace during the process.
"There is no right or wrong attachment style," Dr. Lee says. "Our behaviors are adaptive and make sense given our experiences. You may be anxiously attached if you crave closeness but are insecure about your relationship's future and your partner's interest in you. You may be secure if you are comfortable with intimacy, value autonomy and have less worry about the relationship."
Dr. Lee says you can also take a quiz at attchmentsquiz.com. And Dr. Schiff adds that a therapist can also help you and your partner figure out your attachment styles.
Related: 15 Phrases To Effectively End Any Argument, According to Psychologists
13 Phrases To Use During a Fight if You & Your Partner Have Different Attachment Styles
1. OK, this sounds like...
This phrase is Dr. Schiff's go-to. You can still let your partner know you disagree with what they said. But what Dr. Schiff loves about this phrase is that it validates the other person's feelings.
"This phrase shows that you are genuinely listening," Dr. Schiff explains. "It shows acknowledgment, and your being empathetic can help them feel more receptive to your boundaries and needs."
Related: 35 Simple, Sincere Phrases To Express Empathy, According to Therapists
2. I want us to work through this together.
This phrase is handy to say to partners with secure attachment, says Dolly Ferraiuolo, LCSW, the owner and psychotherapist of SHARE of Florida, LLC.
"This approach promotes open communication, empathy and collaboration, fostering a sense of safety and mutual support within the relationship," Ferraiuolo explains.
She suggests following it up with, "Let's take a moment to understand each other's perspectives and find a compromise that meets both our needs."
3. Is this a good time to talk about what happened?
Dr. Lee recommends this phrase because it opens the door for discussion in a non-confrontational way (beneficial for avoidant types).
If the answer to this question is yes, Dr. Lee suggests tacking on, "I would like to share what has come up for me, and I also care about what you think."
"You are stating your needs, and you care what they think and feel," explains Dr. Lee. "This validates your partner, which is essential if they have an anxious attachment style because they do not feel abandoned."
4. I can see this makes you pretty upset.
Dr. Schiff loves this phrase because it expresses empathy.
"Even if you don't agree with what they say or feel, you can empathize with them," she says.
5. I'm feeling really anxious right now, and I need some reassurance. Can you help me understand that we're still OK, even though we're disagreeing?
Ferraiuolo says this approach can make someone without an anxious attachment style feel relatable to a partner with one. It's helpful to say something that leans into reliability because the two of you may otherwise feel like you're operating on different planets during a disagreement.
"This statement acknowledges the individual's anxiety and seeks reassurance, allowing their partner to provide support and reaffirm the strength of the relationship, reducing anxiety and promoting emotional connection," Ferraiuolo says.
Related: 15 Surprising Signs That Mean You're Likely an Empath, According to Psychologists
6. I would like us to fix things, but I want to ensure you are on the same page.
This line from Dr. Lee can lower the temperature and prompt conflict resolution.
"You are coming in with curiosity, and you care about how your partner feels," Dr. Lee says.
7. This is not easy, but we must discuss what happened. Would you have the time and energy right now to have a conversation?
This recommendation from Lee packs a ton into two sentences.
"You are validating them by stating that this is not easy," Dr. Lee says. "Also, you are saying the essence of wanting to have a conversation."
8. I understand you need some space during conflicts. Can we find a way to communicate?
Ferraiuolo says this line is especially useful for people with avoidant attachment styles.
"This approach recognizes the need for personal space and independence during conflicts, encouraging open communication while respecting the avoidant partner's boundaries," she says.
You can drive this point home by adding that you'd like to find a way to communicate that "gives us both the opportunity to express our thoughts and feelings without overwhelming anyone."
9. Can we take a break and come back to this when we're both ready?
Sometimes, the best way to resolve a conflict is to take a timeout.
"Taking a break allows time for self-reflection and self-regulation, promoting emotional safety and readiness to address concerns," Ferraiuolo says.
Ferraiuolo recommends you tee up this statement with, "I know it's difficult for both of us to handle conflict, but I want to create a safe space where we can talk openly and honestly about our concerns."
"This statement acknowledges the challenges both partners face with conflict and emphasizes the importance of creating a safe environment," she says.
Related: 16 Things People With High Emotional Intelligence Often Say, According to Psychologists
10. What are your thoughts on that?
Dr. Schiff says open-ended questions like this one are useful during fights—even when you're unsure if you care what the other person thinks.
"Open-ended questions give your partner an opportunity to express themselves better and help you to understand them and gain more clarity," Dr. Schiff explains.
11. I am sorry. It is how we resolve disagreements that matter. Let me know when you are ready to talk. I love you.
Do you wish you could eat the words that just came out of your mouth? It happens. Dr. Lee says this phrase opens the door for reflection and repair.
"You are accountable for what you said during the argument by apologizing," Dr. Lee says. "You also state how important it is to resolve issues in the relationship."
12. I would appreciate a chance to explain myself and hear what you say.
Dr. Lee loves that this line acknowledges that communication is a two-way street.
"In this phrase, you are saying a need is essential," he says. "You are also curious about how your partner feels by not blaming them."
13. I feel hurt about what happened. You lash out at me for a reason, and I want to understand what is happening so I can help you.
Your feelings matter too, and Dr. Lee says it's important to communicate them while trying to resolve a conflict.
"You are also being assertive about how your partner makes you feel," Dr. Lee says. "You are not attacking them."
If applicable, add this line of hope: "I also want us to be good again."
"You are sharing how you care about their feelings and are hopeful about the relationship," Dr. Lee explains.
Related: 9 Ways Dating a Narcissist Changes You and How To Heal, According to Therapists
What if Communication Is a Constant Struggle?
Fighting all the time can be draining for both partners, Dr. Schiff says.
"If these phrases aren't working or you find yourself fighting too much, I think it is time you and your partner ask yourself if the relationship has a strong enough foundation that it is worth salvaging," Dr. Schiff says.
Not ready to give up hope? A couples therapist may be able to help you improve communication.
