generic My Partner Is More Than 15 Years Older Than Me—Here’s How We Make It Work
When I first met my current partner Ronan*, I had no idea how significant our age difference was. We were introduced by a mutual friend, he asked me out for coffee, and we ended up talking for hours in the corner booth at my favorite café. After I told him how old I was (26), he skirted the question of his own age. Not wanting to embarrass him, I was happy to change the subject.
As I learned, we were perfectly aligned when it came to what we wanted in life: dogs, marriage, children, time to write, travel, and meaningful work. Having dated a string of men my age who weren’t ready to settle down yet, I was excited to meet someone who was on the same page as me.
Still, that blank space in our conversation nagged at me, so much so I eventually Googled him to figure out how old he was. An old essay he’d written revealed that our age difference was more than 15 years. By the time I was born, he was probably already off to college, I thought.
A few dates in, I knew that I was quickly falling for Ronan, but I had to wonder what I was comfortable with when it came to an age gap in a serious relationship. Clearly, maturity was relative (dating guys my age tended to make me feel much older than I was), but other factors like life stage, financial stability, and health, among others, changed significantly with age.
While I gushed to my friends and family about Ronan, I didn’t tell them exactly how old he was because I was afraid of being judged. When I did finally tell my parents, my dad told me to look at divorce statistics—age wasn’t just a number.
But are the odds really stacked against you?
Today, about 8.5% of couples have an age gap of 10 years or more, and oft-cited studies show they tend to become less satisfied with their marriage faster and are more likely to divorce compared to couples who are closer in age.
However, there can be benefits to an age gap too: Some couples (specifically, younger women paired with older men) are more satisfied than their similarly-aged counterparts, one study finds. So-called "cougars" report feeling freer to explore their sexuality with younger partners and the majority of their relationships become long-term (rather than "just flings"), find studies in the Journal of Sex Research and the Journal of Marriage and Family.
“In general, you have to look at each relationship on a case-by-case basis,” says Jill A. Murray, Ph.D., a licensed psychotherapist and author whose husband is 10 years younger than her.
Sometimes it’s the response to the relationship that’s the problem.
While people generally say they’re open to a relationship with someone outside their age range, they also tend to prejudge (and as a result, dislike) other people in age-gap relationships, finds recent research in the journal Current Psychology.
“Based on my research, the biggest challenge age-gap couples face is dealing with stigma and social approval,” says Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., a sex and psychology research fellow at The Kinsey Institute and author of the book Tell Me What You Want. In fact, a lack of support from close family and friends is a key predictor of whether or not an age-gap couple will break up or stick it out.
This isn’t to say that age-gap relationships can’t or won’t last—they absolutely can and do, says Lehmiller. For Ronan and me, the key was to understand how our age difference did (and didn’t) affect our lives together, regardless of what other people thought.
Here, a few ways to deal with an age difference in your relationship, with insight from relationship experts.
1. Be honest about your expectations.
From day one, I let Ronan know that I wanted children and marriage because I knew that these were important (and often non-negotiable) life decisions, especially when you have an age difference. (Remember when Monica and Richard broke up in Friends after she realized he never wanted to have children with her?)
Telling your partner exactly what you want and expect from your relationship can help you figure out what you’re truly up for taking on together and if your life plans are ultimately compatible. Be clear from the start, and you’ll avoid letting each other down or breaking up over miscommunications about the future, says Murray.
2. Ignore the critics—but have some patience too.
When comments and jokes about "robbing the cradle" or "daddy issues" come up, the best response is often no response, says Murray. Give them your best Mona Lisa smile, change the subject, or just leave the conversation, she suggests. After all, it’s your relationship, not anyone else’s, and they’re just trying to get under your skin.
Still, keep in mind that you might get some pushback simply because people aren’t familiar or experienced with age-gap relationships—so they defer to stereotypes. “What this means is that as people get to know you and your partner and come to realize you’re actually perfectly normal people with a normal relationship, the stigma may start to dissipate,” says Lehmiller. This was true for me: Given some time, my dad came to respect my relationship and warm up to my partner, and the ‘age issue’ hasn’t come up in years.
3. Consider the good and bad sides of your age difference.
“When someone hits you with unsolicited advice on your relationship, whatever it is, it’s up to you to see if there’s even a little kernel of truth that you and your partner (or just you) can address,” says Murray. Early on, my dad’s mention of divorce statistics was upsetting to me, but it forced me to look at my relationship from an unbiased perspective, which can be a good thing, says Murray.
To take an inventory of your relationship, write out a list of things you feel good about and things you don’t feel so good about (or would rather not think about), she suggests. When I did this a few months into my relationship with Ronan, I realized I was insecure about being younger (he had more life experience and a more solid career!). As difficult as it was, being honest with myself helped me get to the next step: actually dealing with my anxiety.
4. Share your concerns.
“To navigate an age-gap relationship successfully, it’s important for couples to have open communication and be willing to discuss difficult topics rather than avoid them,” says Lehmiller. If you’re worried or stressed about something age-related or otherwise, tell your partner how you feel and why. For example, “I feel anxious because I’m worried you’ll leave me for someone more stable in their career.”
Expressing what’s bothering you opens up a space for honest discussion and greater intimacy, which beats suffering in silence about something that might not even be an issue. If you don’t feel up for talking to your partner about your concerns, a therapist can help provide some objective advice (unlike your mom and sister), says Miller.
5. Treat your partner as an equal.
Yes, having more experience puts you in a position to pass on helpful advice to your younger partner, and conversely, having an older partner means you have access to years of accumulated wisdom. However, keep in mind that taking on a ‘maternal’ role (by giving your younger partner unsolicited advice) or ‘child’ role (by deferring to your older partner) can create an unhealthy power dynamic.
“There’s a difference between respecting someone as an individual with their own life experience and intelligence versus just telling them what to do and being demeaning and disrespectful in the process,” explains Murray. What to do: Avoid using controlling language with your partner (like, “that’s not the right way to do that—here, let me do it”) and instead give helpful advice if and when they ask for it (such as, “when I was in my 20s, this is how I dealt with this problem”).
6. Don’t make your age difference more than what it is.
To be perfectly honest, my partner and I rarely talk about our age gap these days. What matters to us is that we share the same values and vision for our lives, we support each other in our respective careers, and we’re committed to taking on the future together. We know that it’s not our job to satisfy other people with our relationship (and as an interracial couple, we doubly understand what that means!).
“If you have shared values and respect each other, it really doesn’t matter what your age difference is,” says Murray. “You’re on the same playing field, and that’s what’s important for a successful relationship.” For the record, Murray and her husband have been together for twenty years.
*Name has been changed for privacy.
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