FOR SALE: Donald Trump, lightly used Republican presidential candidate. $454 million, firm.

FOR SALE: One used Republican presidential candidate. $454 million, firm.

Don’t miss out on this great opportunity to own a Republican presidential candidate!

Donald Trump is a used, one-term former president in peak mental and physical condition – many say they’ve never seen a former president so fit – who would prove an asset to any buyer seeking political influence, substantial tax breaks or an opportunity to undermine western democracy.

Is Trump a billionaire? Maybe not. Rich-guy Donald Trump can't find money for bond. How about a MAGA bake sale?

To date, this presidential candidate has never been wrong about anything and has done everything – from managing his businesses to calling foreign leaders seeking dirt on his political rivals – perfectly.

Experience includes: Being the best Republican president in American history, even better than Abraham Lincoln; forging close, admiring relationships with notorious dictators; and almost-successfully overthrowing a RIGGED presidential election.

Trump's affinity for autocrats: Trump keeps praising dictators like Hitler and Kim Jong Un. Will Republicans ever care?

This one-of-a-kind, pristine Trump model comes complete with legions of authoritarian-curious supporters who are easily convinced to trade their money for cheap red hats and unkept promises, as well as an array of New York real-estate assets the candidate very much does not want the state to seize to pay for a recent $454 million business fraud judgment.

The candidate is skilled at bankruptcy and has extensive experience selling: steaks, vodka, mortgages, board games, ice, a university, himself, plane flights and a magazine.

Seller is highly motivated and will include all of the candidate’s family members, his impressive portfolio of 90-plus criminal indictments, a $50 gift certificate good on purchases of $1,000 or more at his Mar-a-Lago resort gift shop in Florida, one random box of classified government documents and a free autographed copy of his best-selling book “The Art of the Deal” ($1 million shipping and handling not included).

Please note, the candidate is missing: morals, scruples, a basic sense of human decency, the ability to think outside one’s self, empathy, remorse, a moral center, loyalty, coherent thoughts and an understanding of how laws work.

Serious inquiries only, foreign bidders welcome. Sale must be completed by Monday, March 25.

Please contact: John Barron, 1-800-LUV-MAGA.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

You can read diverse opinions from our Board of Contributors and other writers on the Opinion front page, on Twitter @usatodayopinion and in our daily Opinion newsletter.

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Trump is for sale. All it costs is $454 million for bond money