What I'd Do Differently: Fake Elon Musk

From the January 2017 issue

C/D: Why are you so smart?

FEM: Well, in order to achieve a certain resonance between the two hemispheres of a brain, one needs a cacophonous harmony that transcends the bifurcation of task-oriented lobes. The distinction between parietal and occipital is in fact artificial, and I concentrate my brain activity and neuron engagement in the empty space between them. By activating that unused void, I unleash potentialities that, otherwise, would decay into aggregate average-ness.

C/D: So is your priority to get to Mars or to build a viable autonomous vehicle?

FEM: I suppose that they’re not really mutually exclusive goals, are they? If things go according to plan, we can have an autonomous, all-electric car in production by 2014, maybe 2015 at the latest. Now I’m considering that it may not be necessary to go to Mars, but we could bring Mars here instead.

C/D: You realize that it’s 2017?

FEM: Do not persist in outdated linear projections of time. I see a clear path to get there.

C/D: With the rise of automation in cars, will there still be room in the future to have fun driving?

FEM: Fun is a fungible concept that can be applied to automobiles in several distinct cognitive disciplines. Working as an intellectually abstract concept, the sensation of speed may be replaced with the confluent challenges of conceiving and perfecting algorithms that simulate ideal operation of vehicles under multiple transient conditions. And simulations don’t require physical existence to be evaluated. So if you like optimizing algorithms in diverse virtual environments—and I certainly do—driving in the future will be more fun than ever. At least in that particular aspect of fun as it exists. That is, if there is an objective existence at all. Maybe we’re in a simulation right now.

C/D: That’s fun?

FEM: If a compact, efficient, and elegant algorithm isn’t spine-­tingling, then nothing is.

C/D: You’re a notorious optimist, but what could go wrong?

FEM: Artificial intelligence is a term that will eventually fade away as we recognize that machine intelligence is increasingly indistinguishable from biological intelligence. But not all possible AI futures are benign, and it’s important that they be benign. For instance, what happens if an autonomous car decides that it’s not in its own best interest to accurately report an incident? How do we prevent machines from developing a sense of self-preservation? What if they develop obsessions that overwhelm humanity? I fear robots. And zombies.

C/D: Are you in a hurry?

FEM: I work with a high sense of urgency. We need to implant humanity on Mars. Now. We need to achieve energy sustainability. Now. We need a more logical transportation system. Now. And we need a dessert topping that’s low calorie and tastes terrific. Well, soon.

C/D: Batteries for electric vehicles are still expensive and still enormous. Will that change soon?

FEM: Of course it will change. In the near term, that means managing the movement of ions from the lithium cobalt oxide across the electrolyte to the graphite anode. But in the longer term, I want to leverage the existence of voids. That is, moving electrons through the nothingness that must exist in between the component parts of atoms. Surely it will be more efficient to move through voids than through any substance. So, I believe there is a big future in nothing.

C/D: Does the internal-combustion engine still offer any advantage over an electric?

FEM: As a former McLaren F1 owner, I know how exciting a hydroca­rbon-consuming engine can be. It’s the roar of thousands of controlled explosions; the surge of torque as the engine accelerates toward the meatiest part of its power production; the sheer madness of trying to control something so overwhelming without any electronic mediation. Like flying one of my rockets, it’s kind of primal and dreamlike when a great internal-combustion engine is ignited and set loose. It’s simply one of those things that can make you feel like a total badass. Beyond that, it takes only five minutes to refuel. You know, maybe I’m in the wrong business and my life is one long mistake . . . nah, I’m cool.

C/D: Where do you like to eat?

FEM: Olive Garden and sometimes Red Lobster.

C/D: Is there anything you’d have done differently?

FEM: This kind of goes back to my answer to your first question. The future only gets better when smart people work at it. Entropy is not on your side. So, eventually, I need to work toward reordering the universe into a more stable state so that it can persist. I should already be working on that, because the laws of physics will be a challenge to rewrite. But I can see a clear path to get there.