When Should Teens Be Allowed to Date?

We turned to experts—and teens themselves—to learn more.

Medically reviewed by Samantha Mann

Dating for teens and tweens in today's age looks a bit different than how it did in previous generations, which may leave parents wondering: what age is appropriate for my child to start dating?

Like many other transitions and stages, there's no magic number for when teens date—but there are some guidelines that can help parents understand this new chapter of their children's lives better. We turned to experts to learn more about when teens begin dating, and how to have open connection and communication with your adolescent children.

Related: 4 Things You Can Do to Support Your Teen's Mental Health

What Parents Should Know About Teen Dating

Because every kid matures and develops differently, there’s no magical age at which dating suddenly becomes viable for all tweens and teens, according to Lisa Damour, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Beachwood, Ohio.

Dr. Damour, author of The Emotional Lives of Teenagers and Untangled, shares with Parents that her research has been able to measure that, for some kids, romantic feelings can begin around age 10. Some kids experience romantic feelings right around that threshold, and others don’t experience them until after. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) adds that some kids begin dating around 12 or 13, but notes that many parents feel more comfortable with children that age spending time with their peers in groups.

According to Dr. Damour's research, some relationships at this age start with one peer asking another if they want to be a couple. She says the transaction may begin through “diplomatic channels” (aka, friends or mutual acquaintances) to confirm the answer will be a yes.

Abby Goldman, a teenager from New York who had her first relationship at age 13, shares that when she began thinking about dating, she valued kindness and a sense of humor as some of the most important qualities in a potential boyfriend. When she had her first boyfriend, the two saw each other every day in school, and FaceTimed each night. Eventually, the kids even vacationed with each other’s families.

“We were inseparable,” says Goldman, who is now 15 and dating someone else. “My [first relationship] was a big part of who I was at the time.” 

Why Do Teens Want to Date?

Like anything else, there are many reasons why teens want to date in the first place.

According to Justine Ang Fonte, a health and sex educator based in New York City, some tweens and teens seek to date to fill a need for belonging—but sometimes, it can also be about social capital.

“Having a [romantic partner] fills a void," Fonte explains, adding that for some teens, dating is sometimes like a status symbol.

Barbara Greenberg, PhD, a clinical psychologist in New York, adds that in some circles, when kids are liked by a partner, they feel like they become more likable to others. Dr. Damour agrees, adding: “"It’s about being someone’s someone special person, and having a person who is your person."

But if you ask teens themselves, they may offer a more simple explanation. Goldman says she wanted to date her first boyfriend because she “liked him” and thought she was “ready” to begin her dating life.

"It wasn’t that complicated for me," she adds. “I felt like, ‘I’m old enough and I like this guy, so it’s time to do this.’ I didn’t have any other experience with dating, so I didn’t really have anything to go off of.”

Related: Your Teen Wants to Wear a 'Sexy' Halloween Costume. Now What?

How to Communicate With Your Teen About Dating

Talking to tweens and teens about dating can be tricky, but it's important to remember to keep an open communication and dialogue to allow your teen to feel comfortable talking with you.

Dr. Damour suggests that parents encourage tweens and teens to hold the same high standards for their dating relationships that they should be holding for their friendships: Respectful treatment of one another, having a good time, and enjoying shared interests across the board.

When the question of physical intimacy comes up (even things like hand-holding), Fonte encourages parents to coach teens about setting boundaries, then ask them how well the significant other honors those boundaries.

“If you’re a tween or a teen and can’t feel safer with your significant other than you do with your friends, you need to think twice,” she says. “Whatever has brought you together with your partner, that relationship is supposed to have an even deeper level of trust and vulnerability. If it doesn’t, something is wrong.”

It's also important for parents to know the warning signs of teen dating violence. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) conducted a survey that found that approximately 1 in 12 American teenagers reported experiencing physical dating violence, while another 1 in 12 reported experiencing sexual dating violence. Some early warning signs can include:

• a partner demanding details regarding whereabouts

• acting critical

• trying to control someone's wardrobe choices

• ignoring physical boundaries

• restricting contact with family and friends.

Consider Reframing "Rules" When It Comes to Dating

It is perfectly normal for parents to want to establish rules around dating, especially for younger teens. At the same time, Greenberg cautions that parents should be mindful of how stringent those rules might be.

For example, she says, limiting the conditions under which a young person might see their significant other (only in public spaces of the house, or only in the company of larger friend groups) is one thing; however, preventing a young person from dating all together is entirely something else.

“The last thing you want to do is create a Romeo-and-Juliet effect that makes your child want to rebel,” she explains. “You can express concern without wielding control.”

Goldman, the 15-year-old, says that young people likely are going to do what they want anyway.

“If you tell a teenager we can’t date until 16 or 17, we’re not going to be like, ‘Oh, okay, cool,’ we’re going to figure out a way to sneak around,” she says. “It’s better to talk it out together than set outrageous rules that lead to us making dumb decisions because we don’t feel safe.”

Related: How to Help Your Teen Navigate a Friendship Breakup

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Read the original article on Parents.