This Is Why You Should Stop Being So Available
And stop apologizing for the delay while you are at it.
When I first began writing and building up a small following, I left my DMs open on my platform. Initially, it was great. People were very complimentary, leaving messages of encouragement and intelligent questions that made me think.
Eventually, I began feeling like everyone’s assistant and therapist, giving out free writing and dating advice. Once, I found myself helping a man who was in the closet and trying to come out. Though I was immensely flattered, I’m not sure why he reached out to me on this matter, as I am straight and had no experience in the subject. But I helped as much as I could.
Eventually — I realized I was playing Mother Teresa to everyone’s needs at the expense of my own. And so I began drawing boundaries to protect my time and energy.
This problem of perpetual availability became pronounced in the early 2000s, with the advent of the blackberry, which created a new era of interconnectedness, and heralded the end of the beeper.
Before this, we used fax, mail, and relied on our desktop computers to check email. It was a common expectation that there may be a delay before one could respond. But this multi-use device, used by the masses, created a “spiral of expectations”. Just as you know someone was seeing your message instantly, and could respond as soon as they had a moment, you felt the same pressure to respond quickly to others.
Being unavailable became a moral shortcoming, which could ostensibly cost you a promotion, friend, or good standing with a loved one. So how can we resolve this?
A look at the data
Social media researcher, Matthew Heston, conducted an experiment where someone was trying to coordinate via Slack with people on their availability. Respondents consistently reported having less warm feelings towards those who were slower to respond.
Which is a real and valid concern — especially at work. It can feel like the moment a message is received, our competency hourglass gets turned upside down, and we feel the heat to get back to them. After all, the term “fast-paced environment” is in many job descriptions for this exact reason.
As a financial analyst, I often relied on other employees and project managers for recurring tasks. But it was a two way street as they relied on us too. A manager told me, “I try to get back to people as fast as possible, because then they’ll be faster to get back to me when I need them.”
This worked but, again, I found myself racing to reply to every message as fast as possible. It created this sandwich of expectations that tasted like high potency stress.
Which is why it’s quite easy to start apologizing constantly.
The problem remains that idleness, and the lack of responsiveness can be seen as a character flaw. But in reality — who was actually harmed? In many cases, there is little, if any, actual damage done. The real problem is often that we allow this expectation to continue unchecked.
So how do we combat this?
My problem is with the instinct to apologize too often, which is a predicament many women face — as they are often conditioned to be agreeable and go with the flow.
We shouldn’t apologize when there isn’t a need to — for two reasons. First, it casts us in a negative light unnecessarily. Second, it reinforces the expectation that we should be responding to people in unfair time windows. But the apology isn’t always poorly intended.
Per Dr. Melissa Mazmanian, professor at the University of North Carolina, apologizing for a delay can signal your caring for a person’s relationship, that you don’t want to damage their feelings towards you. If you aren’t able to respond immediately, one alternative is to instead say, “So nice to hear from you!” Then write your message. Another option is to just type your reply, and make it a good one. Quality can alleviate many perceived sins.
Sometimes, if I have a big question come in that requires research on my end, I send the person a quick note saying something to the effect of, “I’ll get back to you — but it might be a few days, as I dig in on the problem.”
If the delay hasn’t been that long, beware of saying, “Thank you for your patience.” Because, again, that reinforces something being inherently wrong with not getting back to them immediately.
A parting tip that
We should stop being part of the problem. Culture, societal expectations, and reciprocal behavior can all cause us to unintentionally put the heat lamp on others. If we want to fix the problem, we should unbecome the problem ourselves, and feel a bit less stressed.
The final challenge is one of authenticity. Very often, we aren’t apologizing for delays because we are actually sorry. Most of my apologies were more out of being pleasant and not looking to offend.
But, as luck would have it, I did apologize today for a late reply and meant it truly. I discovered I’d missed a voicemail from three weeks ago and when returning the call, it was the first thing I mentioned. My point being: some apologies are needed.
If your boss is contacting you with requests, I generally advise you respond quickly and with the appropriate information. Sadly, many bosses do judge us on how quick we get back to them, and often use these messages as a way of ensuring we’re doing the actual work asked of us.
As a small consolation, a study at Cornell University, led by Dr. Vanessa Bohns, found that participants overestimate how urgent off-hours emails are, and feel pressured to respond to them even when it isn’t necessary.
Per Dr. Bohns, “Our expectations for how quickly others expect us to respond are [often] inaccurate. We think we have to respond right away, but actually people are okay if we take our time.”
What is nice is that — once coworkers come to understand you don’t respond to emails generally on the weekend, they’ll know not to contact you unless it’s a true emergency. One professor took it so far as to leave this out-of-office message to his students:
Thank you for your message. Email received between [these dates] will be deleted from this server eight hours from now. Please send your message again after [this date].
It was a clear, and bold shot across the bow that said one thing: don’t bother me on my vacation.
The things to remember
This is all just an exercise in prioritization. Key stakeholders, spouses, and bosses are worthy of prompt responses. Reserve privilege for those who have earned or justifiably hold it.
As an independent writer, I have a client whom I’m expected to drop what I am doing to respond to when she is in need. It is a fire drill every time. And I am perfectly fine with this — because she pays me a good retainer for this privilege.
Take stock of your life. Ensure that you aren’t following into the trap I fell into. Don’t be everything to everyone. Don’t apologize for every minor delay you impose upon a person. It just reinforces the problem. Conversely, don’t hold others to the same standard you are trying to escape.
And if you are slightly behind on replying, reframe it in a positive light if it’s an old friend. Remind them of how good it is to hear from them again.
Otherwise, set aside some time to go outside. Go on a walk — without your phone.
I'm a former financial analyst turned writer out of Tampa, Florida. I write story-driven content to help us live better and maximize our potential.