Humor: I'm not like other babies, I'm a cool baby
The baby of your literal dreams
Hey there, it's me! The baby of your dreams. Lately, a combination of hormones and social pressure have been conjuring a bunch of us dream infants to make you question your desire not to have kids. As a baby, I understand, but I also want you to rethink your decision.
You see, I'm not like other babies. I'm a cool baby.
I'm not going to hassle you when it's time to sleep. You say, "I'm tired," and I won't whine, fearful you'll disappear forever if out of my sight. Why? I'm a cool baby, that's why. After you tuck me in, I'll imagine sheep (until I can count) and put myself to bed while you do some activity without interruption. I don't understand why so many babies fight biology. It's like, "Time to sleep, guys, stop bothering mom." Am I right? No wonder people can't stand kids. I certainly couldn't.
You won't be embarrassed by me when you take me to a restaurant. There will be none of that annoying the servers with outrageous demands for mushy and bland food. I certainly won't send my food back to the kitchen or the floor. Going out is a privilege. So, I shall treat it as such. My cute outfit shall remain pristine, letting the world know that you, parents, have got your shit together. They'll envy you. Scratch that. They'll envy us—two new parents who have it all thanks to the chill infant who's entered their lives. We're a unit, and the world knows it.
Don't look shocked. I'm a cool baby. You can curse in front of me. Only uptight babies freak out or repeat sensitive words in front of in-laws at inopportune moments. Whatever comes out of your mouths stays between us. Consider it a social contract guaranteed with a cool baby.
Eventually, I'll start walking. Who wants a clingy infant forever stuck to their side? Or back? Instead of calling attention to my failures, I'll practice my steps while you sleep. Then, after five months, I'll simply get up and walk across the room to grab my juice and come back to sit down next to you and watch cartoons as you work, all casual-like. No fanfare. You won't have to expend emotional labor congratulating me on something I, an able-bodied baby, am supposed to do anyway.
Isn't it annoying when babies need validation for every little thing they do, Greg? God, I'm so glad I'm not like that. I'd leave me at the first fire station I passed.
Perhaps what you fear most are the ear-splitting cries that will haunt your every waking moment. That's not who I am, Alice. I'll let out a wail or two to get your attention while I'm still in my helpless bundle phase (I can't help it, as we human babies are the weakest of mammal infants), but soon, I'll get volume control down.
Too many babies panic and overuse the cry. I shall find other methods to make my desires known. Before you know it, I'll talk and politely ask for necessary toys or food. I'm not into those baby dramatics. Though I'll still give you some baby talk because everyone loves that shit on social media, and, as a cool baby, I live to make your life easier.
Speaking of, well, speaking, believe me, there will be none of that confusing conversation so popular with other babies learning to talk. I'll respect your time and get to the point. Cool babies know that articulating a story with a beginning, middle, and end is the fastest way to a parent's heart. It's being able to say what I need without making it my whole identity. That drama is for other babies, who I will remind you, I am not like.
I'm not attached to labels. Momma, Alice, or caregiver, we can define this relationship in our own terms. Greg, dada, the most awesome engineer ever, you can be it all. Ultimately, my only goal is to keep your life as unchanged as possible. I'm as unobtrusive as the doll you carried around for Sex Ed in middle school, but more adorable, less uncanny valley. I'll pretty much raise myself and give you all the credit. I'll be by your side until I hit the terrible twos. No promises after that; I'll have too many teeth in my head to be rational.
When you're ready to have kids, remember that not all babies are the same. Some of us are chill and won't alter your lifestyle. We're like houseplants but better because you don't even have to give us water for about six months or so, depending on which health guidelines for infants you believe.
Yes, we're the cool babies. And we're definitely not fictional.
Writing dumb things to make you laugh