Humor: I'm just a king looking for a second wife who won't murder my children
Why is it so hard to find a fairy tale romance that doesn't result in fairy tale tropes?
Greetings!
If you are one of the eligible ladies who received this letter, congratulations! Your life might be about to change forever.
I’m the king of a local kingdom. The world has blessed me with prosperity, and revolutions among my subjects are rare. I also have three beautiful children and, until recently, a lovely wife.
That’s right, you fair maidens, I’m officially single! My wife died tragically of some wasting, unspecified disease. It’s a widespread malady that strikes happy first wives. Luckily, you are in no danger of catching it!
On her deathbed, I promised her I would never marry someone who would harm her children. It seemed like an odd request, but she insisted that she understood women more than I did. Either way, not killing my heirs is a small price to pay in return for a crown and upward social mobility.
Thus, I require a woman in her breeding years ready to take on the administrative tasks necessary to run a castle. Why breeding age? Because these are “The Old Times” when children sometimes die of natural causes.
Notice that I emphasized natural there. I can tell the difference between death by natural causes (sickness, troll fight gone wrong) and murder (poison, mind control that puts them in harm’s way), so don’t think I’m one of those foolish kings who can’t see what’s right in front of their nose.
I need to remind any of you who apply for the position of my queen that your children will be loved and adored but not in direct line for the throne. Unless my children from the previous queen, whom I will probably talk about and compare you with often, were to meet an untimely death. Not a murder! A tragic-could’nt-have-foreseen-that-coming death.
Besides spending time with my flawless children from a happy marriage, I enjoy long quests on the beach, hiking through enchanted mountains, and solving crossword puzzles on a rainy afternoon. Every so often, I try my hand and set challenges for the suitors of my lovely daughter, who resembles her mother. You better believe I will always bring that up in conversation. Do not worry that your child will face a similar fate. Our daughter, who will undoubtedly be less fair than the one I have now, is free to marry whoever will have her.
So, if you do not intend to harm the heirs to the throne and are interested in a man who will treat you nearly as well as his first wife, please send me a messenger with a self-portrait. Also refrain from using filters or enchantments to enhance your looks. I have accepted that no woman shall match my first wife in beauty, which is probably a relief to hear for those who are not good at portrait manipulation.
I look forward to hearing from all of you!
Royally yours,
A widower king looking for a replacement wife.
Writing dumb things to make you laugh