My Sister Slept With All My Boyfriends. I’m Taking It Out on Her Son.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a nephew “Andrew.” He’s 9 years old and a good kid, but I cannot stand to be around him at all. The reason for that is that Andrew is the son of my sister “Linda” and my ex, “Marvin,” Marvin was the fifth ex-boyfriend I’ve had where the relationship ended because Linda wound up sleeping with him. This started when we were in high school and continued into our late 20s, a pattern that only ended because I refused to let her meet any of my partners anymore.

I realize that absolutely zero of this is Andrew’s fault. And Linda’s relationship with Marvin didn’t last, like all her relationships, so when Andrew’s around I only have to endure one other person I hate. But every time I see the boy I can only think of the betrayal and how much I hate my sister. And I know that’s wrong. I treat him differently from my other niblings because of this and I feel terribly guilty over it. How do I do this better?

—It Still Stings

Dear Stings,

I’m glad you recognize that none of this is Andrew’s fault, but if your anger toward your sister is so severe that you’re unable to stop yourself from taking it out on a child, I think you need to seek therapy. From what you wrote, you’ve had to deal with a decade or more of Linda’s hurtful actions and their lasting effects on your emotional state and behavior. That is a lot to unpack, especially if you’re committed to keeping Linda in your life. I really think you’d benefit from professional help, where you can not only process your emotions but also learn specific steps you can take to interrupt your negative actions toward Andrew.

This is something you need to prioritize, if at all possible. If you can’t, then you might need to think about whether you can realistically be around Linda and Andrew without targeting him. Yes, it would be unfair for you to have to change your family interactions because of something Linda did. In an ideal world, Linda would be the one who would have to face consequences for her actions, but things unfortunately, don’t always work out that way. I would hope that the family (who presumably know the backstory) would give you grace if you felt you needed distance from her.

Ultimately, Andrew doesn’t deserve to grow up feeling like his aunt hates him, and you don’t deserve to be in this endless cycle of anger and guilt. If you can’t find ways to process your anger at Linda and separate it from your relationship with Andrew, giving yourself distance seems your best way forward.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My 6-year-old son is autistic, so we relied on some screen usage to give us some “free” time (to cook, clean, etc.). At first, it was an iPad, but then we got him a Fire tablet (for long flights without Wi-Fi), and now he has a school iPad. He plays on his devices all day. It’s breaking my heart. How can we ease him out of device use and let him experience some boredom? He uses his devices about two to three hours a day on weekdays and six hours on weekends. Do I implement a two-hour/day limit? Minimize by two hours a week? Something else?

—Screen Time All the Time No More

Dear Screentime,

With the caveat that I am not an expert in autism, I tend to believe that screen time is less about an absolute number of hours and more about how the child acts around screens and what their overall day/week looks like. For example, I work a full-time job outside of this column, so my kids are in school and aftercare until we reunite at 6 p.m. If they had two or three hours of screen time on weekdays, they wouldn’t do anything else. However, a kid who gets home at 3 p.m. and goes to bed at 8 p.m. has five hours to fill, in which case, two hours maybe isn’t too bad. Some kids are nightmares after hours of sitting in front of screens, while others manage equally well with or without them.

What’s more, screens can be helpful to autistic kids because they are predictable, stimulating, and offer unique challenges or learning opportunities—which can be a comfort in a confusing or overwhelming three-dimensional world. But they also still have their drawbacks. All that to say, I can’t give you a recommendation for the number of hours to keep or cut because it’s too situational.

I’d encourage you to think less about the number of hours and more about what outcomes you want, and plan backwards from there. For example, you mention boredom; if you want him to practice entertaining himself, you could implement chunks of time where screens and parents are off limits. If you want him to cultivate hobbies, then maybe you would dedicate some set after-school time to them. By planning around the stuff you want to see in your son’s day or week, you minimize that feeling of the screen being the “forbidden fruit.” It also allows you to put the screen time in context; if your son can cultivate other interests and activities, transition away from screens without a meltdown, and can meet other social and intellectual goals you have for him, then the exact number of hours he spends on devices might not turn out to be as important. If you use this method, I’d manage the transition gradually and find ways to keep your son motivated to do the other activities, maybe with a sticker chart or similar tools that work for him. Hopefully, once he gets used to variety in his day or week, he won’t need as much hands-on reinforcement.

My guess is that you’re trying to limit screens because you want your son to grow into a well-rounded, functional, and flourishing person, and you’re concerned that the combination of his autism and screen habit might be a combo that thwarts that goal. That’s a legitimate worry, but all the more reason to focus on the things that can get him there. If your son sees a therapist or social worker, run your plan by them as well. They’re experts in behavior management around autism and can be valuable in helping you brainstorm. Good luck!

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m 24 and my siblings are much older than I am. I live in the same city as two of my sisters, who have kids I’m very close with. One of my sisters is a single mother with an only child who I am very close to. She’s 11 years old, anxious and shy, and has ADHD. She has found a great outlet in a local community theater program geared toward kids of all ages. She’s made two good friends and gotten a strong sense of community there. This is the first year that she’s in a production that’s for ages 11 to 18. She’s been acting very weirdly recently (very quiet around people she’s comfortable with instead of bubbly like normal), and she told me some teenage kids in the theater program were upset with her and were being mean. The reason why is incredibly superficial, (they don’t want her to wear her glasses in the performance). She said she feels like she’s “different” at school because of her ADHD, but she usually feels at home in the theater program, and the way these kids are treating her is making her feel more like she does when she’s at school.

My issue is that she asked me not to tell her mom because she’s worried her mom would pull her from the program. She had a complex medical issue when she was much younger, and nearly died; for that reason, plus her ADHD and her absent dad, she feels her mom can be overprotective. But I know my sister well enough to know that she recognizes that this is a place my niece feels at home at, and would more likely first talk to some of the people in charge before doing anything drastic. But despite trying to talk to my niece about it, she won’t budge on me keeping this to myself. I want to tell her mom but I won’t do it without my niece’s permission; I don’t want to betray her trust and I know she often needs an outlet to talk to. She’s made up her mind to sit and suffer through it, and I’m not sure how to help her.

—Uncle Out of His Depth

Dear Depth,

This probably isn’t the last time someone will be mean to your niece for superficial reasons. You could offer to talk to the theater director if she wants you to (presuming you’d be less reactive and “cringe” than her mom, she may let you), but my guess is that she’s trying to fly under the radar and not cause a scene, theater pun unintended. My advice is to help her do that. So long as she isn’t in any significant physical or psychological danger, learning how to deal with bullies and snobs is a life lesson many kids have to face. Be the person who commiserates with her, gives her one-liners to throw back at the girls when necessary, and checks in on her.

Two ground rules, though: First, make sure your sister knows that your niece sometimes comes to you for advice. Tell her that you want to keep your niece’s confidence unless and until something serious comes up, and make sure your sister is comfortable with that. Let your niece know that that’s the arrangement, too. Second, agree with your niece that if the bad behavior gets worse, or if these girls participate in next year’s production and pull the same stunts again, you’ll strategize an intervention that will involve Mom or the director.

It’s really hard to see the kid we love in pain, but we also can’t solve all their problems. Because your niece feels rather socially isolated, I do think you want to be vigilant on social issues like this, but I also think watch-wait-support is what is called for right now.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have been feeling like a single parent even though I have a spouse. We’ve been married for almost eight years and have two kids, 7 and 4 years old. Recently, my spouse was diagnosed with autism and since then they have been using it as a crutch to avoid any aspect of parenting. I already work full time, going to work at 2 a.m. so I can be home during the day for doctors’ appointments, school meetings, after school activities, grocery shopping, and making dinner. My partner takes care of getting the kids to school and then spends the rest of the day playing video games or crocheting.

After two years of this, I’m exhausted. I don’t get much time to myself and during the time I do get, I end up driving my spouse to different places they want to go because they don’t have a driver’s license. Any discussion about this falls apart as they use any bit of their autism to get out of responsibility. I get it—I have ADHD and it’s not easy being a neurodivergent parent, but I feel like I just have a live-in babysitter and not a partner.

—Married but Single

Dear Married,

You say you’re exhausted after two years; what was happening the other five or so of parenthood? Did your partner work and then lose their job, which led to an eventual diagnosis? Was everything fine, and then the diagnosis caused your partner to unravel into self-doubt and inertia? I think this is key information that might help me give you some more informed advice, but I’ll do the best I can.

Neurodivergence is often a reason some things take longer or are harder, and it is sometimes a reason that certain actions or behaviors just plain can’t be done. But it isn’t always a get-out-of-jail-free card. Your partner has to be able to take some responsibility for parenting or household tasks that are within their ability to complete. Again, since you refer to this as a two-year issue, presumably there are ways they used to contribute and could do so again. If they won’t talk to you about a path to get back there, seek the advice of a marriage and family therapist—critically, one who specializes with neurodiverse partners. You can look around on Psychology Today’s directory or do a Google search; it’s going to take some digging, as not everyone has this specific combination of specialties.

One thing I’d suggest you think about while you look for professional help is the way you frame their behavior. I understand that you are frustrated and exhausted—angry, even—and you have every right to be. However, when you use words like “crutch” and “excuse” you’re ascribing an intentionality to your partner’s conduct that might not be there. That’s one of the challenges with neurodivergence, as you probably know first-hand: it’s not always easy to correctly assume the intention behind a given behavior. And if you’re expressing your anger at them, that might compound their inertia, rather than solve it. So, try to focus less on the deficit—what you aren’t getting—and think about what action it is that you need. That could help as you start to address your parenting roles in therapy.

I wish I had more concrete, immediate advice for you than to just “seek therapy,” but I truly think that is what you need. You may have heard the phrase, “If you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person!” That’s because autism is a highly individualized condition without a one-size-fits-all approach. Add to that your own marriage—which is also specific to you and your spouse—and it’s a clarion call for individualized help. But please know that your feelings and needs are valid. I hope you both can find a way forward together.

—Allison

Some neighborhood kids set up a community rock garden on the side of the walking path near our home. Judging by the writing on their sign encouraging others to add rocks and join in the fun, they’re in elementary or middle school. My 2.5-year-old son was so excited to contribute to the garden and used some markers to decorate a couple additions. Unsurprisingly, they’re not exactly pretty, but he had a lot of fun with the activity and couldn’t wait to deposit them in the garden. Well, they must not have made the cut for one or more of the kids…