What Is ‘Parallel Parenting,’ Exactly?—How To Tell if It’s the Right Parenting Method for Your Family
Sure, there are those What To Expect When You’re Expecting books many moms read when they’re pregnant. But it’s really hard to follow a guidebook on how to be a good mom or dad because parenting is not easy and not a one-solution-fits-all situation. Plus, if you add a divorce or separation into the mix, it can be hard to navigate how to parent. Co-parenting with an ex is a pretty typical parenting style divorced couples choose when they go on raising their kids together (but separately). But what if your ex makes that nearly impossible? Parallel parenting might be the method for you if that’s the case.
No one can foresee the future and most people can’t predict whether a former husband or partner will end up being a narcissistic or abusive ex. But if you find yourself in this boat, parallel parenting could be a solution worth looking into. So, what is parallel parenting? It’s not as well-known, and may sound extreme, but here’s what you need to know about it.
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What is parallel parenting?
Parallel parenting is “a method of shared parenting in which parents interact as little as possible with each other while maintaining their relationships with their children,” according to WebMD. It can be the permanent way you parent going forward or it can just be a temporary choice especially if you are freshly separated, depending on how things progress or diffuse.
As Choosing Therapy has reported, any communication that the two parents need to have with each other is ideally done through email or through mediators. They write that this parenting style can create “independence and freedom” for each parent so that they’re free to do what they want as a caregiver and make decisions without alerting the other and without the other parent weighing in.
“Parallel parenting is kind of like they’re a parent, you’re a parent, you’re both doing your parenting thing per the court order,” SJ, a certified life and relationship coach shared on TikTok. “You still gotta follow the court order and be compliant. But you’re not necessarily making those [life] decisions together.”
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What is co-parenting?
Co-parenting is a common method of parenting kids after two parents have separated or divorced. Typically, both parents communicate about their children’s extracurricular activities, doctor appointments, schooling and overall well-being. If both parents are on good terms, they might even go to events together for their children or celebrate birthdays and/or holidays together.
Parallel parenting is different from co-parenting in all of these ways. In a co-parenting scenario, the rules and disciplines are the same in both households and both parents work together to figure out what that looks like. They also work together to fix issues that might come up. With parallel parenting, each parent does their own thing and does not communicate what they’re doing or what’s going on in their child’s life.
Related: What Is Gentle Parenting?
What are some reasons to choose parallel parenting?
As WebMD has reported, parallel parenting is best for parents who have a really hard time being civil to each other. They note that this is good for “a high-conflict divorce or separation” where it’s either toxic for both parents to communicate or one of the parents is a narcissist and/or abusive to the other. With zero or less communication, there would be less conflict for children to witness.
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As Jordan Hardgrave, a certified life coach, said in a TikTok video with nearly 36k "likes," narcissists like to “level” with the other parent. This means they will do whatever they can to bring the other parent down, and they definitely won’t cooperate with them. While the non-narcissistic parent might want to co-parent and move on from whatever issues they had as a couple, the narcissistic parent won’t let that happen. Hardgrave said that they’ll “never cooperate” because they’ll always feel this need to be superior.
SJ also shared this sentiment.
“Narcissists cannot have those conversations [making decisions together about the kid]. It is going down a rabbit hole that’s just gonna end up in abuse and word salad,” SJ, who’s also a part of NarcAvengers, shared. “And you’re not gonna be able to make decisions because there’s an imbalance of power. They think they hold the authority and they’re gonna make you go crazy trying to make decisions.”
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Which is better, co-parenting or parallel parenting?
There are some cons that come with parallel parenting. For one, if both households have different rules and expectations from the kids, it can be a bit discombobulating for them.
“This is going to be challenging for the kids because kids do really well with regimen and routine,” SJ shared about the complete separation of everything between both households.
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Also, other people and outside entities might make the complete separation hard. For example, Steph, a writer and mom from Toronto, posted to TikTok about how her daughter’s new school—which was alerted about the separate aspect of her parenting with her daughter’s father—constantly called her instead of her ex for information.
“I realized that no matter what your parenting situation is with your child’s parent… society does not make it easy for parents to actually divide the responsibilities down the middle,” she said. “Society is very complacent in ensuring that the mom continues to be the primary parent. Yes, a lot of those calls should have come to me, but there were so many of those calls that could have gone to him.”
But as SJ noted, keeping things completely separate in parallel parenting may be necessary if you’re dealing with a narcissist.
“You have to accept and be okay that the rules of parenting are going to be different in your household versus what they are in a narcissist’s household,” she said. “And one thing that you’ll find—and here’s why they can’t co-parent—they counter-parent.”
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Billie Tarascio, an Arizona divorce and family law attorney and owner of Modern Law, posted to TikTok explaining that parallel parenting is not as controversial or extreme as it sounds. You and your ex most likely have different philosophies when it comes to parenting or how to deal with your children. If you’re in a high-conflict situation, less or no communication is a good way to decrease that conflict.
“You’re still both involved in raising your children, you’re just not negotiating the day-to-day details of raising your children together because you don’t have to do it anymore,” she said.
Parallel parenting may not be for everyone, but if you’re dealing with an ex-partner who is determined to counter-parent you and your decisions, parallel parenting might be your best option.
Next up, read on about another controversial parenting style: free-range parenting.
