Mark Lane: The Darwinian Gardner stomps the lubbers
The Darwinian Gardener surveyed the advertising postcard with some interest. It was from a lawn care company. The photo was digitally altered to show what his lawn would look like if it were an undifferentiated emerald carpet. Clever high-tech marketing.
This was meant to show how wonderous his yard might look if only he received professional help. People often suggest professional help to the Darwinian Gardener, something he usually shrugs off. To this one, though, he responded with a shudder. This was precisely the look he’s been avoiding.
In its current state, the Darwinian Gardener’s lawn has been compared to that haircut derisively called a “mullet” ― business in the front, party in the back. Mowed often enough in front to keep code enforcement away (although he has seen their trucks slow down when driving past his yard) but not often enough to be a hassle. Especially when the summer gets hot. The back? Well, it’s mowed short enough that he can find the path to the compost heap. Usually, anyway.
More: Itching to get your hands dirty in the garden? USDA releases new Plant Hardiness Zone Map
Who is this Darwinian Gardener? Why he is Florida’s foremost exponent of survival-of-the-fittest lawn-and-garden care. He’s not the personal trainer of St. Augustine grass, urging it to do its best, making sure it’s hydrated, and providing specially formulated vitamins and minerals. He’s the apartment superintendent of Nature: There to sweep up messes, take out the trash and not inclined to listen to complaints.
And April is a good time to sweep up the oak pollen and Ask the Darwinian Gardener.
Q: Well, you certainly are in high spirits this spring. Did I see you dancing in your scraggly front yard?
A: That was no dance. The Darwinian Gardener was repeatedly stomping on newly hatched lubbers, inch-long things that are black with orange racing stripes. Eastern lubber grasshoppers will grow to the size of baseballs and chew your favorite plants ― notably hibiscus ― down to nubbins, then look around for dessert.
They have few natural enemies and shrug off insecticides of all kinds. Vigorous stomping is your only hope for reducing their population. And yes, it can look like kind of a jig if you really get into it.
Q: What’s this plant hardiness zone thing that the plant labels refer to?
A: The Darwinian Gardener has lived most of his life in Plant Hardiness Zone 9, as defined by the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s plant hardiness zone map. It’s a nice zone. Not tropical, but with warmish winters touched by only the lightest of occasional frosts. Just enough cold to keep the worst exotics at bay.
It’s part of his identity. He’s a Zone 9 kind of guy.
So imagine his concern when the new map came out last November, and most of the zones shifted northward. Zone 9’s southern boundary is now practically next to his street. He’s on the edge of becoming a Zone 10 guy. That’s a lot to adjust to.
The new zones are based on temperatures recorded between 1991 and 2020. Temperatures that are generally warmer than those used to draw earlier maps. Although the Florida Legislature has been hard at work cutting out all references to global warming in the statute books, we’re demonstrably warmer these days.
Q: Are you going to do something about that big ol’ stump? Will you grind it or something?
A: The Darwinian Gardener is OK with stumps and is patient enough to let them rot naturally. This takes a while, but he is in no hurry. His best stump, the remains of a half-century-old water oak, turned out to be an excellent viewing platform for rocket launches. It gives him an extra foot and a half in height for watching SpaceX flights arc over the treetops in the distance.
It’s a place to sit and contemplate, something the Darwinian Gardener needs to do more of. Good for surveying the neighborhood and waving to the dog walkers.
He thinks of his stump as a yard amenity rather than a yard problem.
And that ends his stump speech.
Mark Lane is a News-Journal columnist. His email is mlanewrites@gmail.com.
This article originally appeared on The Daytona Beach News-Journal: Mark Lane: The Darwinian Gardner stomps the lubbers
