My Brother-in-Law Has Threatened to Steal Our Son

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife of 10 years has a stepmom who never adopted her and a half-brother from her dad and stepmom. The brother is 40 now, has been favored all his life, and is currently getting an online degree to become a therapist. His parents are paying for the degree and a tutor that costs $2,000 a week. This all makes my wife very angry (she does not receive anywhere near that kind of money). Additionally, the half-brother is verbally abusive and has threatened that when he gets his license, he will have us both committed and raise our son. The parents always side with him and say, “He’s not serious.” I agree it is absurd and I tell my wife not to worry about it or the money, but it really puts a cloud over our life. Should I be worried? Should I do more?

—In-Laws From You Know Where

Dear You Know,

Your wife needs to forget about the money. It may be unequal, but it might not be inequitable. I can’t say either way, not being a member of the family—but I do know that rarely has anything good ever come of comparisons, especially where parents and money are concerned. Your wife would probably be a whole lot happier (on this subject, at least) if she considered whether she got what she needed, not what was the same, and let the rest go. Therapy can be a great help if she finds trouble doing that.

But the brother’s behavior is another subject altogether. Again, I am not a member of the family and cannot speculate on a) his prospects as a therapist and b) whether he has any grounds to question your parenting. From your letter, I’m inclined to doubt both. But my opinion and $5 buys you a latte. If your wife is concerned he may try to follow through on his threats, I’d suggest a consultation with a family lawyer who can explain what, if any, risks your brother-in-law poses to your family. I would also start documenting any verbal or written threats he makes to you (including who was present to hear them) so that you have a paper trail if he ever does try to start something.

Beyond that, I would strongly urge you and your wife to consider whether maintaining a relationship with her brother is healthy—and whether the relationship with her dad can be preserved if you decide to cut the brother out. I know disrupting the family dynamic can be hard, but a brother who would threaten me with my kids is not someone I’d want, or feel safe having, in my life. If you decide to cut him out, or minimize your contact, I hope her dad can understand and that you all find a way to make it work. Good luck.

Submit your questions to Care and Feeding here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)

Dear Care and Feeding,

With all the terrible stories coming out about how child actors are treated now, I am wondering: Do you think that it is ethical for children to act professionally at all? We, as a society, seem to have decided that children working full-time is a bad thing that should not happen, yet apparently, it does happen all the time to child actors. (And in many other industries of course but that is much more hidden/illegal.) So what if a kid likes acting? They like doing lots of things, but it doesn’t mean that they should be allowed to do them. Whenever I see a kid in a TV program now, I just hope that they aren’t being abused and that they are allowed to have a little bit of childhood instead of working all the time. Is it ethical to watch things that feature children? What about going to Broadway shows like Annie or Fun Home where pre-pubescent kids carry an entire play on their backs every night?

—Office Work No, Acting Work Yes?

Dear Work,

I can’t tell you what is ethical or not—that is a question you must decide for yourself. I can provide some food for thought, though, as your question is an important one.

If you do a little digging, you’ll find a lot of stories confirming your fear that child acting is a largely exploitative thing, unfortunately. You’ll also find two common themes: one, that the Harry Potter film franchise got it mostly right (some of which is covered in actor Tom Felton’s memoir) and two, that a lot of this issue comes down to the child’s parent(s) and how they approach the work. Parents who limit a child’s number of projects or auditions, are present and involved on set, and see acting as secondary to school and social development give their kids a better shot than those who don’t.

But the system itself is, I think everyone can agree, not set up to prioritize kids’ needs. This HuffPost article provides a pretty comprehensive view of the nebulous laws and standards governing the child acting profession and makes a pretty compelling case that while there are protections in place, they aren’t foolproof and probably don’t go far enough to truly protect kids. Add in questions about whether informed consent—for both child and parent—exists at all, and it’s pretty clear that wide reform is needed. Some former child actors have stated outright that they think child acting should be banned; others think that’s too extreme, but that child stardom is what needs to go. If you are persuaded by that latter comment, you might find yourself more comfortable consuming professional stage acting than film/TV, when it comes to kids, or favor screen productions where kids aren’t the central characters.

Ultimately, it will be close to impossible to consume media that contains no child actors, and there is no way for you, as a viewer, to vet each production company, agent, and parent (though a Consumer Reports-type rating system for these professionals would certainly be compelling). But you can also contribute to bringing out the reforms that those in the business are calling for. Organizations like A Minor Consideration, BizParents, and the Entertainment Community Fund are a few places you can check out.

· Missed earlier columns this week? Read them here.
· Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group!

Dear Care and Feeding,

We moved to a lakefront house. Our grandsons (5 and 7) were over with their mother. After dinner, as the adults were cleaning up, we told the kids not to go near the water. However, the 5-year-old did so anyway and would not obey when we told him to get out and come back by the house. I had to pick him up and carry him, kicking and screaming, and sit him in a chair. He was still defiant and screaming for several minutes. The incident spoiled a really fun day. My DIL approved, as he often won’t listen and is punished with time-outs at home. If we had not seen him, it could have led to a tragic outcome. We want the grandkids to have fun but stay safe. We can threaten punishment, but this won’t necessarily stop the behavior. So, I have two questions. What can we do beforehand to prevent this and did I take the correct action at the time?

—No Fun In The Sun

Dear No Fun,

You absolutely took the correct action in the moment, and I’m glad that your daughter-in-law agreed. Sounds like you, your child, and your daughter-in-law need to have a family meeting about lake house safety. I think there are a few rules and next steps you all could consider to keep the grandkids safe.

First off, get the kids enrolled in swimming lessons, including how to do a back float and how to get out of the water (I don’t know if the lake is a drop-off or not). Private lessons will have them progressing more quickly than group classes and can be more tailored to their abilities, if the parents can swing it and time is of the essence.

You can also invest in safety equipment. Keep life jackets by the back door or another easy landmark and make it a rule that they are always worn around the water. Empower the older brother to be a bit of a whistleblower if he knows the younger one is breaking the rules—you can even keep a literal whistle by the property’s edge for any emergency where you need to get the attention of folks inside the house. Windsocks or other flags can demarcate a line beyond which the kids can’t go without an adult.

I’m sure you and the kids’ parents can come up with other ideas when you have the conversation. Even these measures might not be enough, though, if you have a strong-willed kid who isn’t willing or able to comply with safety rules. At that point, you might have to make some hard decisions about whether they visit, or how those visits are structured around the kids.

Finally, although this is less about your grandkid, it bears noting that water can be dangerous for anyone. It would probably be a good idea for you and your spouse, and any frequently visiting family members, to get trained in CPR. Hopefully, it will never be necessary.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a wonderful almost four-year-old son. He’s one of those kids who was walking, talking, reading, and writing very early. He’s a sponge and absorbs everything, but he’s also intensely stubborn. Once he’s decided something, (i.e. salamanders only live in hot water, not cold) nothing, and I mean nothing will change his mind. Arguing with a kid his age is usually fruitless anyway but I’d also like him going out into the world with correct information. He is very well-spoken for his age and can carry on long in-depth conversations with adults.

—Losing Battle?

Dear Battle,

I really don’t think you have anything to worry about. People are going to appreciate his precociousness and not automatically assume all his facts are going to be (or should be) correct. And really, is there anything cuter and more magical than seeing the world through a toddler’s eyes? The things they misunderstand, the narratives they create, the words they invent—these are the things you’ll remember with joy as they age. There is plenty of time for realism. Consider that you are going to be a parent for 50 or so years; reality will rule the day for 40-47 of them. Savor the precious few years where facts are secondary to wonder, and let your child develop his sense of self-confidence and mastery without you correcting his knowledge. I promise that letting him believe he is smart and capable of knowing things is a much more important gift than information. I’ll quote my favorite TV mom, Chili from Bluey: “Work on the heads later. For now, just hearts.”

—Allison

My husband and I have a 2-year-old boy, Harry, who has his terrible-two moments, but is generally good-natured. He is also very active (maybe a bit hyper), very clever, and very determined. We are both involved parents, my husband even more so now that he is working from home. I’m pretty even tempered with him, but my partner is not, and I’m not sure how to deal with it.