8 Tips for Planning the Perfect Vacation With Your Blended Family

Going away with your blended family can feel overwhelming but one mom shares tips that can help.

Fact checked by Sarah Scott

Having grown up with two stepparents, siblings, and a pair of half siblings, being part of a blended family has been the norm ever since I was in middle school. While my parents have had their fair share of disagreements, they have consistently held one value above all others: a love of family.

Their shared appreciation for family has guided most major decisions and enabled us to celebrate everything from Sunday dinners to Christmas mornings together over the last 30 years. My parents’ sprawling crew of 17 even went on our own blended family vacation last spring, which we affectionately dubbed “family week.”

When I walked down the aisle six years ago, I yearned for the type of blended family to which I was accustomed, but I had my doubts. Would my husband, his ex-wife, my two teen stepchildren, and I ever be comfortable in the same room together? Could we communicate about the kids without letting our personal issues get in the way? Would we learn to appreciate each other’s company?

I’m grateful to say that, today, we can do all these things and more.

We initially bonded over the birth of my own two children. Then over the years, we shared family dinners and game nights, in addition to the occasional holiday and getaway. Most recently, our crew of three adults, two college-aged stepchildren, a kindergartener, and a preschooler, trekked all the way to Europe to cap off my stepdaughter’s semester abroad in Florence, Italy.

Here's what I’ve learned about how to travel together successfully as a blended family.

Start Small and Assess Your Comfort Level

Before diving into a full-fledged vacation, build up to it.

“I suggest doing day trip outings and several local events all together to see how everyone manages before planning an out-of-town trip,” advises Janice Holland, a licensed professional counselor based in Shanghai, China.

Long before we jetted off to Europe for a 10-day vacation, my blended family started out with shared birthday celebrations and holidays before working our way up to overnights. About two years ago, we spent a weekend at a local ski resort. When that went well, we all felt comfortable moving onto longer stretches of time together, like this past Labor Day weekend, when my husband and I hosted his ex at our home in New York.

When you’re spending time together in these prolonged settings, assess your comfort level. Ask yourself whether you can imagine sharing accommodations and meals with each other for multiple days in a row.

“It is all so dependent on both of you being able to maintain a regulated nervous system while together,” says Holland. “The biggest challenge is ensuring that all the adults are going to act like adults before, during, and after the trip. If the breakup is recent and there are still a lot of resentful, painful, or big feelings, then that is your biggest indicator that you aren’t quite ready for a family trip together.”

Plan in Advance

When planning a blended family trip, start your discussions as early as possible. Up to a year or more in advance is a good idea to coordinate work and school schedules. It’s essential to make sure that the timing works for everyone before booking.

“Planning a family vacation is never free of challenges, but when you mix together kids from two different families to create a larger new family, challenges are bound to arise,” says Aurisha Smolarski, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, and author of Cooperative Co-Parenting for Secure Kids: The Attachment Theory Guide to Raising Kids in Two Homes. “It’s best to plan ahead to minimize the conflict and maximize the fun.”

As soon as my stepdaughter was accepted into a study abroad program in Italy, my husband and I began brainstorming potential winter holiday ideas with her, my stepson, and their mother. We each chimed in with thoughts about where we wanted to visit, how we envisioned spending our time, and for how long. These early discussions helped solidify a framework for the vacation well in advance of booking and gave everyone a voice in the process.

Choose a Destination that Works Well for Everyone

When putting together a travel itinerary, solicit input from everyone to ensure that all preferences and opinions are given their due.

“While it is normal for siblings and bonus siblings to have different interests, even if close in age, having a wider range in ages due to the composition of a blended family increases the likelihood of differing interests and opinions,” says Smolarski.

In my blended family, for example, we have four children that range in age from 3 to 22. When we spent three days in Florence, we broke up museum visits and sit-down meals with jaunts to the playground and the Boboli Gardens to allow the younger ones to run around.

While the adults would have loved to spend an evening wine tasting, we opted for a pizza and gelato-making class that would appeal to everyone, including my 3-year-old and 5-year-old. And during the ski portion of our trip, we limited our time on the mountain to three days in order to accommodate competing desires to explore the local village and do other winter activities like snowshoeing.

As a former travel advisor, I am the de facto vacation planner in my blended family. I had to remind myself to actively seek out feedback from my husband’s ex and my stepchildren during the planning phase of our Europe trip—and to follow up, even if I didn’t initially hear back.

“Schedule regular times to talk with every member of the family about what kind of trip they want to have and what they definitely do or do not want to do,” says Holland. 

Set Guidelines and Respect Boundaries

Traveling with kids is stressful even under the best of circumstances. Throw in your ex-spouse or your spouse’s ex and it could be a recipe for disaster. Setting shared guidelines and staying flexible during planning, and while on vacation, is essential.

“Co-parents and bonus parents should plan ahead to prepare for the inevitable conflicts or differences of opinion,” says Smolarski. “Set your family guidelines and expectations, including limits and boundaries, before your trip and discuss these with the kids. Make sure these guidelines are age-appropriate and equitable for all kids. Discuss the value of generosity, sharing, and flexibility, while also being respectful of each other’s privacy and personal belongings.”

In my blended family, we try to compromise and don’t take it personally when people opt out. During our recent ski trip, for example, there were times when the older children wanted to keep skiing, but the adults and younger ones were ready to head home. Or my little kids wanted to play games when the older ones wanted to decompress alone in their rooms. Rather than forcing everyone to participate in every single activity, we respected each other’s boundaries and tolerance for togetherness.

Make Time for Yourself

The old adage “take care of yourself before you take care of others,” is especially true on family vacation. “Solo time is essential to have the head space and energy to be present, fun, engaged, and enjoy time together as a family,” says Holland. All the more so when you’re navigating travel with your ex and/or stepchildren.

Similar to how we manage weekends at home in New York, my husband and I worked together in Europe to build in time alone. We’d take turns waking up early for a solo cup of coffee, booked at-home massages, and gave each other moments of reprieve from our active preschoolers. Carving out that time for ourselves was essential to preserving our sanity and building up our caretaking reserves.

Be Open to Connection

My husband’s ex lives across the country and my two stepchildren are away at college, so our recent vacation provided a rare opportunity to spend time together and strengthen our connection.

“Traveling together can be a great time for blended families to get to know each other more intimately, to bond, and to create new memories and traditions,” says Smolarski. “This opportunity is accentuated on a trip because the usual distractions of daily life aren’t present, so it is easier to spend the time and have the discussions needed to deepen your relationships with each other.”

I’ll never forget the joy on everyone’s faces as my stepdaughter and stepson helped my two younger ones ski down the bunny slope. Or the times when my 3-year-old and 5-year-old insisted that my husband’s ex join in whatever puzzle or card game they were playing.

Perhaps most of all, I miss our family dinners that my husband, his ex, and I enjoyed with the two older kids after putting the younger ones to bed. We’d linger over our meal and a bottle of wine, catching up about the day, sharing memories of times past, and ideating the future—all of which brought us closer.

Brainstorm Your Next Trip Together

If you find yourself enjoying your blended family vacation, consider yourself lucky. Keep the positive vibes going by discussing a future experience you’d all like to have together.

“Divorced parents who travel together give their children such a gift in feeling the comfort of having the people they love and trust the most all together,” says Holland. “They are also modeling for them how to adult. They may eventually be in a relationship that ends, and they are demonstrating how to navigate the pain and heartache and move on.”

My own blended family is already thinking about a trip down to New Orleans this spring for Jazz Fest as well as a visit out west to go wine tasting with the big kids in California, where my husband’s ex lives.

Be Patient

It may take a while for your blended family to be able to get to a place where you can plan a trip together. In my case, it took nearly six years and several major life events that brought our combined unit closer.

“If you aren’t in a place where you can compromise or get too triggered when your ex ‘gets his way,’” says Holland, “then you probably aren’t ready for a blended family trip.”

And that’s OK. But if you’re eager to eventually go on a vacation with your blended family, keep assessing your own comfort level and collaborate to create an itinerary that works well for everyone involved.

For more Parents news, make sure to sign up for our newsletter!

Read the original article on Parents.