'The Bachelor' Recap: 'I Don't Think He's Really Following Any Rules'

Warning: This recap of episode 5 of The Bachelor contains spoilers.

Welcome to Old Mexico, rose lovers!

#NeverForget.

But tonight is about Ben’s “journey,” which begins in Mexico City, where Ben becomes the second person in the last 90 seconds to raise his arms in triumph and yell, “Viva la Mexico!” (Do people really say that? And if they do, are all those people annoying Americans? Discuss.) “I feel really lucky to be here,” says Ben, who can barely believe that we’re “halfway” through “this process.” Only halfway? Ay, Dios mio.

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelor’ Episode 5

The “ladies” arrive at the Four Seasons, where they dutifully gush over the suite (it has a bidet, people!) until it’s time to read the date card. Even though Olivia has a premonition that the card will bear her name — “There’s no doubt in my mind that I love Ben,” she says. “I think our love language is reserved for us” — it in fact goes to… Amanda!

“I’m surprised Amanda’s name is on that card, just because she does have children,” fumes Olivia. “I just have to work harder to get time with him this week.”

Related: The Top 20 ‘Bachelor’ Moments

At 4:19 the next morning, Ben comes sneaking into the women’s hotel suite — where one of the “ladies” is snoring like a truck driver (or Team Bachelor is being a bit heavy-handed with the sound effects) — to “see these girls in their element.” Actually, it’s not as pervy as it sounds; turns out he’s just taking Amanda for a hot air balloon ride and they need to leave early for their date. But first, Ben decides to traumatize Leah and Lauren by waking them up with a flashlight to the face. “I sleep with a retainer too,” Ben tells Lauren H. between fits of giggles. “It’s not a big deal.” Always cheerful Lauren, however, does her best to laugh it off.

As for the woman of the hour, Amanda clearly had an inkling that a camera crew might rouse her out of her slumber, because…

Girl, please. Don’t you know how bad that is for your skin? Let those pores breathe, honey! Anyhow, she spackles on a fresh coat of face and off they go to get an aerial view of the ancient city of Teotihuacan. They admire the pyramids in-between smooches, and when it’s time for a picnic back on the ground, their conversation goes something like this:

Things get a little deeper over dinner. Amanda tells Ben about how her ex-husband, the father of her daughters, had an “addictive personality” and “wasn’t always the nicest person.” Eventually, after she was pregnant with her second daughter, Amanda discovered her husband was cheating — a lot — and her marriage fell apart, which left her feeling both sad and ashamed. “I was embarrassed, because I felt like such a failure,” she tells Ben. “It’s hard for me to talk about, because I did try so hard.”

The Bachelor — who at this point seems to fall in love with whichever woman is in front of him at any given moment — responds to Amanda’s story with an outpouring of earnest affirmations. “I admire you,” he gushes. “It doesn’t quite make sense that somebody like you would be interested in somebody like me, but I like it.” And after making Amanda a solemn promise — “I’m not running. We’re gonna talk this through together” — he hands her the date rose. Won’t Olivia be pleased!

Related: Watch Chris Harrison Read a Sexy Passage From ‘The Perfect Letter’

Indeed, Miss Thing is already irked that she didn’t get the other one-on-one date this week (it went to Lauren H.), but she manages to hide her annoyance when arriving for the group date with Jubilee, Becca, JoJo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B., Jennifer, and Leah.

Good thing her mouth has done its warm-up exercises, because for today’s date Ben has something very romantic planned: Spanish class! Of course, what Team Bachelor really wants is a lesson in awkward tension, so they instruct the teacher to teach Ben and the “ladies” phrases like “me estoy enamorando de ti” (“I’m falling in love with you”) and “te quiero besar” (“I want to kiss you”). Everyone gets that it’s all in fun, just a silly, lighthearted way to pass a few hours in the afternoon — but for Jubilee, it’s a personal affront. “You just spend so much time being jealous,” she moans. “Fighting for a glance from him with nine other girls.” So when it’s time for her to join Ben at the front of the class for a little one-on-one practice, Jubilee brings along a bad attitude and a bitch, please expression.

“You said that to the last four girls,” she snipes. Yes, honey, he did. Because he’s on a group date. On a reality dating show. One that’s been around for 14 years and is widely understood to feature one man dating a large group of women at once. One that you signed up for, presumably voluntarily. Get it together, toots. ABC has pretty much promised that the next Bachelorette will be “diverse,” but if you keep acting like such a pill, they may be forced to give the job to Amber. Amber. For the love of God, woman, do you want that on your conscience?

Moving on to the second part of the date: A trip to Restaurante Carbon for a cook-off! Chef Nico and Chef Lula ask the group to pair off into teams of two — things almost get derailed when both Jubilee and Olivia insist on being paired with Ben, but Big Mouth prevails — and then sends them to the market downstairs to shop for their ingredients. While the women wander from shop to shop, struggling to procure the right ingredients for their recipe, Olivia and Ben take their time, stopping to snack on fried crickets and do a few shots. The other “ladies,” meanwhile, are not pleased.

The Bachelor remains blissfully unaware of this tension; he’s having too much fun carrying around meat on a giant metal skewer in the restaurant’s cramped kitchen.

He does notice, however, that Jubilee seems to be “holding back on the fun,” which is his nice way of saying “being a sulky brat.” She does muster up enough feigned spunk to declare that she and Lauren B. “are very hopeful that our dish will win Ben’s heart.” When it comes time for Nico and Lula to judge the food, they give high marks to Caila and Leah’s stuffed pepper, while Ben and Olivia’s duck sandwich gets a harsh-but-brilliant slam via subtitles.

And indeed it’s Jubilee and Lauren’s fish dish that takes the W. As for this…

…let us never speak of it again.

At the post-date cocktail party, Ben is literally still in the middle of saying “I look forward to talking to each of you tonight” when Olivia jumps in with “Ben, can I talk to you first, I guess?” Of course Ben knows that he should start with someone else, given that he spent most of the group date with Olivia, but our Bachelor is at best a people-pleaser and at worst a wuss, so he caves with a simple, “Sure.” This does not sit well with any of the “ladies,” especially Jubilee.

And in keeping with Jubilee’s M.O. this episode, she continues to pout about it all night rather than taking the initiative to get some time with Ben — as, for example, Emily does. Instead Jubilee waits in the holding pen area, getting angrier and angrier as the Bachelor comes to fetch other women before her. “It’s definitely hard seeing him reach for a different hand, and every time it’s not mine,” she sighs. Things only get worse when Ben takes Lauren B. out for a romantic stroll-n-smooch through the streets of Mexico sitting, leaving the rest of the women to sip their cervezas in gloomy silence. “Now I’m just really disappointed and pissed off,” grumbles Jubilee.

So pissed, in fact, that she refuses to take Ben’s hand when he finally comes for her.

“That’s so awkward,” moans JoJo to the other women after they’re gone. “She was like, ‘Let’s not hold hands.’”

Jubilee wastes no time telling Ben that she doesn’t like group dates because she feels “overshadowed” by the “Lauren B’s and the Beccas and the JoJos” (a.k.a. “the white girls”). “It’s like, do you notice me?” she continues. “Sometimes I just want to be like, 'Do you remember our time? Do you remember little ol’ me?’” The Bachelor assures her that he does remember their one-on-one date, but admits that he’s no longer “confident” about their connection because of much she’s “pulled back” since then. "I just want to grab your hand, Jubilee, and walk you upstairs, and you’re like, 'No no no.’ And you pulled away from me,“ says Ben, sounding as close to actually annoyed as he gets. "How is that supposed to make me feel?”

Sensing she’s in danger, Jubilee assures Ben that she only said no to holding his hand because she is oversensitive about hurting the girls’ feelings after the “does anyone else want to go on my date?” disaster. “I don’t want you to give up on me,” she says quietly. “Please don’t.” That said, Ben, please do give up on those boots, buddy. Unless you’re an actual cowboy, just no.

Twenty-five minutes later, they’re still talking. Or at least, trying to. “Do you feel like at this, like, point in time there, like, could still be something between us?” falters Ben. Uh-oh, girl — he’s asking that because he thinks the answer is no, and he’s hoping you’ll say it first. But Jubilee doesn’t, so Ben is forced to spell it out. “As incredible as, like, the moments have been with you, it would be unfair to you right now to say, like, that with what’s happened… it would be unfair of me to tell you that I thought that something could exist.”

Wait, what? Ben, just answer this: Do you want Jubilee to stay? “I do not.” Well, why didn’t you just say so? Sorry, Jubilee, but this is where your “journey” ends… for now. Even with her attitude issues, I still think Jubilee has a decent shot at being the Bachelorette — and I’m all for it.

When Ben returns to the party, JoJo is all too happy to comfort him in his time of loss. “You handle situations like that with such respect and grace,” she tells him. Ben must feel a little better, because he makes a joke: “I’m done breaking up with people after this.” Now that would make for an interesting finale, amirite?

But just when you thought this night was going to have a happy ending, Ben gives the date rose to Oliva, because he feels they “reconnected.” Cue the reaction shots! Go JoJo!

Now you, Becca:

Emily, any thoughts?

Don’t (re)sharpen your knife just yet, honey, because we’ve still got one more date to go. Other Lauren, you’re up! Put on your Daisy Dukes and meet Ben downtown. He takes her to Pineda Covalin, a “high-end fashion house” that sells some sweet ponchos.

What Other Lauren doesn’t know is that it’s Mexico Fashion Week, and a nice Mexican designer at the store is about to invite them to watch a show. Oh, did I say watch? I meant walk in the show, of course! Show us your best Blue Steel, Other Lauren.

Unfortunately her walk could use a little work. Stop swinging those arms! Soften those elbows! Achieve maximum thigh gap! Smize, damn you, smize! Sensing that being surrounded by preternaturally beautiful Mexican women might be a tad intimidating for Lauren, Ben gives her a pre-show pep talk: “There’s nobody here that looks as beautiful as you, there’s nobody here that should be as confident as you.” False on both counts, but you’ve gotta give the guy points for trying. Hey look! It’s Mexico’s answer to Janice Dickinson:

Props to Lauren H. for managing to walk the runway without becoming fashion roadkill. Ben’s Blue Steel, meanwhile, could use a little work.

For the Bachelor, dinner that night is all about finding out whether he and Other Lauren have “chemistry,” as their relationship has been a “slow burn” so far. (Remember, he’s practically dry-humped with Lauren B. on the streets of Mexico City, so this Lauren has a lot of catching up to do.) “Tonight I need to see if there’s something more to us than just friends,” explains Ben.

In order for that to happen, though, of course Lauren H. has to “open up” first — which as you know is Bachelor code for “reveal that she was once in a relationship that ended.” And guess what? Lauren H. was in a relationship that ended once! “We lived together, I moved across the country to be with him, and then suddenly, out of the blue, he broke up with me,” recounts Lauren, and Ben listens with interest… or is that a “I’m biting my tongue in a desperate effort to stay awake” face?

Long story a little longer, turns out Lauren H.’s boyfriend was cheating on her “with, like, three different girls, one of the girls was my friend. It was a disaster!” A disaster that pushed Other Lauren to a decision point: “I can either choose to be sad, and choose to, like, be the victim, or I can choose to be happy.” Spoiler alert: She chose the latter. And Ben LOVES it. The smooch, and she gets the date rose.

Cocktail party time! Who wore it best?

JoJo leads Ben away first. “I like you very much,” she confesses. “I want to be kept in the loop… I don’t want to feel blindsided, ever.” Taking a page from the Team America romance playbook, Ben promises JoJo — promises! — that she will not be blindsided. And they seal it with a the second-worst high-five of the season.

Indeed, all of the “ladies” have decided that week five is the time to make sure Ben knows they’re in it to win it, so to speak. “I really, like, like you,” says Lauren H. “Ben, I could see, like, a life with you… Like a life life.” Whoa — save it for the vows, Lauren!

Meanwhile, back in the holding pen, Amanda is chatting with the other “ladies” about her kids, and how her mom was dropping them off with her ex for a night. Over on the far side of the couch, Olivia mutters, “I feel like it’s an episode of Teen Mom that I watch” — a statement she then repeats when Amanda asks her to speak up. Cue the side-eye!

It’s obvious that Olivia meant it as an insult, and I can understand why Amanda took offense — “It’s like, you remind me of, like, Snooki that was on Jersey Shore and she was, like, a hot mess all the time” — but I’d like to take a moment to defend Teen Mom. The show, if you’ve never watched it, is incredibly well done and moving. Plus, 16 and Pregnant, the series that birthed Teen Mom (so to speak), has actually helped lower teen pregnancy rates in this country. It is a force for good. As for you, Olivia, what have you done to make the world a better place lately?

Anyhow, back to the Bach. When forced to answer for her bitchy comment by Amanda — who, to her credit, remains remarkably calm and polite during the whole discussion — Olivia goes to her fallback position: feigned contrition.

Yeaaaah… no one’s buying it, least of all Emily. We all know how this goes, rose lovers: When there’s a mean girl in the house, eventually one of the other “ladies” takes it upon herself to tattle to the Bachelor, and it usually doesn’t end well for her. Will the same fate befall Emily? Let’s find out.

Olivia’s bitchdar is on high alert, though, and she senses that Emily might be using her one-on-one time to talk smack — so naturally she marches over to interrupt their chat. “I seem to know one Olivia, but the girls seem to know a different Olivia,” says our puzzled Bachelor. “I have to figure out what’s going on.” While his fact-finding mission starts off on a mealy-mouthed note with Olivia — “How has it been back at the house?” — by the end of the night Ben has gathered enough intel from the other women that he knows something has to be done. Harrison arrives to begin the rose ceremony, but Ben’s not ready. “Chris, I’m sorry, but — Olivia, can I talk with you?”

OMG you guys! Is he going to send her home? The “ladies” sure hope so, but know it would be an unprecedented move for a Bachelor to de-rose a woman and send her home. “I’ve never seen that happen, but I don’t think he’s really following any rules,” muses Becca wisely. Did you hear that, people? THERE ARE NO RULES! Olivia could be vaya con dios-ing tonight in a Reject Taxi! I can’t wait to find out what’s going to… Oh, crap.

This again? UGH. Of course, judging from the preview for next week it seems as though Olivia is still around, given all the tears and anger and cries of, “He’s making the biggest mistake of his life!” What do you think, rose lovers? Is Olivia a goner or is she going to sweet-talk-crazy-face her way out of the doghouse? Post your thoughts below, and be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog before you go. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to have this framed and mounted on my wall:

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC. Bachelor Live airs Mondays at 10 p.m. on ABC.