Confessions of a B&B Owner: We Give You Nicknames Because We Think You're Crazy
(Illustration: Ryan McCullah)
If you have been reading this column you already know that we sometimes deal with strange people doing very strange things. There are days when it seems as if we operate a psych ward — not a bed and breakfast. Here is our list of the most memorable lunatics. And yes, we actually call our guests these names behind their backs.
The Brain Surgeons
Dr. McHiccup! (Photo: Thinkstock)
When we rent our boats to people who are nervous about getting lost on the water, we tell them that it will be okay, because it’s not brain surgery. What we don’t tell them is that even “brain surgeons” sometimes fail to find their way back. We once rented a boat to a group of men who claimed to be neurosurgeons on holiday from a town about two hours from us. They returned it three hours late to the wrong dock, and quite obviously drunk. Note to self: try to avoid head trauma in their city.
The Brain Surgeon’s Wife
In another instance, a woman we called “Brain Surgeon’s Wife” proved that it isn’t easy being married to a neurological genius. It apparently comes with its own form of lunacy. We are not sure why she even chose to stay with us, because nothing we did made her happy. It was impossible not to laugh at her, though.
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As she was screaming her irrational demands at us in the office, her husband — the brain surgeon? — arrived in a beat up, 30-year old Chevy pickup truck, towing a boat that looked like it wouldn’t float in a puddle. Even the trailer’s license plate hung half off the frame, causing it to drag the ground on one corner. “But my husband is a brain surgeon,” she shouted when we told her for the fifth time that she could not have 12 extra visitors for lunch.
The really crazy part? On our sign-in form, we ask people how they found us. Seems that she and hubby participate in the same barter group that we do. Seriously? People get brain surgery on a barter plan?
Parrot Man
Polly Wants Room Service (Photo: Getty Images)
We nicknamed one guest “Parrot Man” because he was nicer to his pet parrot than to his family. It was almost as if he was treating the bird to a vacation, not his wife and kids. Some of the guests thought we had hired Parrot Man to sit by the pool talking to the bird. The downside for us was a room that reeked of bird poo when he left. At least he was entertaining for our other guests.
Dancing Russian
You got your party on where? (Photo: Thinkstock)
The “Dancing Russian” put on a nightly show for the entire property. Unfortunately, the only radio he could find that was loud enough for him was on his boat, so each night he stood in the boat (which was on a trailer in the parking lot) and sang in his native language.
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The really odd part about the story was that three doors down from him was “Russian Mail-Order Bride” and her husband. They all claimed not to know each other, but we suspect that there was much more to the Russian saga than we were privy to.
Boozie Babe
Bottoms up (Photo: Getty Images)
Plenty of people drink alcohol on our property. Some of them attempt to hide it from the people they came with. Few of them work as hard at deception as “Boozie Babe” did. This woman would sneak away from her family, duck into our gift shop, and pay cash for two of those individual-sized wine bottles. She then stashed them in her ample bosom until she could walk through the lobby to the ladies room where she apparently consumed them sitting on the toilet, leaving the empty bottles behind in the trash. It got more fun for us every time she bought another round. Her family? Not so much.
Mr. Drunk Cowboy and Mrs. Thoroughbred
Yaa-haw (Photo: Getty Images)
“Drunk Cowboy” and “The Thoroughbred” provided similar entertainment. “Thoroughbred” was not just the name we gave this poor guy’s companion. The woman actually brought an enormous horse with her.
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“Drunk Cowboy” tried his best to ride that thing. Every time he hit the dirt, he would dust himself off, chug down another beer, and start again. We eventually had to put a stop to the rodeo for the safety of everyone involved, including our other guests.
Government Agent Man
I know someone is trying to get me. (Photo: Thinkstock)
Some of our guests probably just need a tweak in their meds, but on a couple of occasions, we have hosted people that were genuinely certifiable. There was “Government Agent Man,” who carried his briefcase around with him — even to the pool. Never opened it, just carried it.
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“Government Agent Man” would have gotten along really well with “Conspiracy Couple.” They admitted to us that they chose our place because it was not beneath any major flight path. We were previously oblivious to the fact that the airlines spray us all with mind-control drugs that the government provides to them. Bet you didn’t know that’s what those white streaks are trailing behind jets in the sky either.
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