Watch Out: Your Innkeeper is Spying on You and Other Confessions of a B&B Owner

Plenty of people dream about quitting their day job, buying that fixer-upper farmhouse, and opening a bed-and-breakfast. Those B&B owners seem so happy. Well, everything isn’t quite as idyllic as it seems. We got one set of innkeepers — “Bob and Emily” — to anonymously spill the beans on what really happens behind those perfectly painted shutters.

This week. Bob and Emliy reveal the sordid side of running an inn. Here are some things you probably don’t want to know the next time you check into that seemingly quaint country B&B.

Want to know what it’s really like at a B&B? We’ve got the scoop. (Photo: Thinkstock)

1. Those old walls aren’t good at blocking sound. We hear the long and short of things on a nightly basis. Insider tip: shower walls are acoustic amplifiers, too. Watch out not to wake the whole house. Speaking of showers, funny how the row of shower tiles at waist height are always the ones that come loose — we’re just sayin’ …

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2. A huge part of our operational budget is spent on cleaning supplies. Our guests enjoy outdoor activities, which means we shampoo muddy carpets a lot, but it’s the activity that takes place behind closed doors (usually) that requires buckets of sanitizing solution. And don’t get us started on laundry issues. Let’s just say that there’s hydrogen peroxide involved. Trust us when we tell you that some people are overachievers.

Yeah, right you’re married (Photo: Thinkstock)

3. We know what you’re up to. If you tell us that you will not actually be staying the night but need an early check-in, it’s pretty obvious what’s going on. That was the case of a state official, who showed up with a companion one morning in business attire and left well before quitting time. We filed his name under, “in case we need help with THAT permit.”

4. Men aren’t the only ones sneaking around. But women seem a little smarter about it. We get calls from women asking questions about our privacy policies. Do we give out any information about guests (past, present, or current) if someone calls? Does the room share a wall with another room? Are there parking spaces that aren’t visible from the entrance road?

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5. Staying in a B&B is apparently a spiritual thing. We once had a self-proclaimed spiritual advisor from our small town check into the Jacuzzi suite alone. Nothing unusual about that, except that during her four-night stay, three different men came and went. Wonder what kind of advice they got. Another couple met here, each arriving at different times, each in a rental car. He mentioned having written a book, so we looked him up. (Yes, we do that.) Turns out that they, too, were spiritual advisors. His website had a photo of his lovely wife, whom we did not recognize, and a testimonial from his colleague, whom we did. Pretty sure they were collaborating on a new project. And then there was the preacher and the church secretary. They also stayed in our Jacuzzi suite. Maybe there was a baptism involved.

Lesson learned: keep an extra key (Photo: Thinkstock)

6. Things attached to the headboard can be problematic. We have a headboard in storage with one metal handcuff tightly encompassing the left-hand post. Begs the question, “What happened to the other half?” There was no easy way to cut it off without damaging the headboard so we took it out of service. Bob even asked a deputy sheriff if handcuff keys were standardized in some way. We no longer make eye contact when we run into that deputy in town.

7. We keep a file on you. A repeat guest who brings his wife and kids hesitantly pulled Bob aside once to report some late-night action he had witnessed on a picnic table. Not sure what he thought we’d do with the knowledge. It’s kind of an awkward conversation starter so we didn’t say anything to the guests he reported, but we did flag their file, “loves midnight picnics.”

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8. We quit being surprised by people’s escapades years ago. They do it inside, outside, in the lake, and even on our rental boats. We carry hand sanitizer with us when we gather sheets because we never know what we will find in, around, and under the beds. Interestingly, battery-powered devices come in various shapes and sizes. These are quite imaginative in design. We have special tongs for handling these.

Did you forget something? (Photo: Thinkstock)

9. Some of the top things left behind in the room include: Men’s undies between the sheets at the foot of the bed. (Boxers outnumber briefs two to one, in case you wondered.) We also find panties of all shapes, sizes, and colors. There seems to be a correlation between size and the distance they are found from the bed. Large sizes are usually in the bed; tiny ones get flung across the room, landing behind TV’s and fridges. Frilly bras are rarely found in the bed, but hanging on the bedposts is quite common. Dangling from the ceiling fan is the second most common place.

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