14 simple ways to love yourself a little more, according to therapists
Loving yourself is easier said than done, we know. But not only is the practice important, it's life-changing.
“Self-love is important because it sets the tone for how you show up in all other relationships,” Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, a licensed psychologist in New York City, told TODAY. “You can’t truly love other people until you love yourself. While on the surface you could create the illusion of loving others without loving yourself, but those relationships tend to be full of resentment, lack of depth and disconnection because you typically are giving something out to others that you are withholding from yourself.”
Emily Simonian-Sotiriadis, LMFT, a therapist in private practice, similarly believes that self-love provides a solid foundation for us to thrive in every facet of our lives. “When we have positive feelings about ourselves, we’re better able to accept our own imperfections and give ourselves grace, resulting in a sense of resilience and empowerment,” she says. “Sometimes a lack of self-love occurs because we are trying to improve ourselves, and it may seem counterintuitive, but self-improvement will be easier if you love yourself first.”
Simonian-Sotiriadis also posits that people have been conditioned to believe that they can only love themselves once they’re doing everything “right” (e.g. getting the best grades in school, meeting their goal weight, landing a dream job), but it’s actually the opposite. “Loving yourself can and should happen even when you’re at what you feel is your ‘worst,’” she says. “People are happier and end up being more successful when they hold a core belief that they are lovable just as they are, regardless of their attributes or accolades,” added Simonian-Sotiriadis.
What happens when you don’t practice self-love? Romanoff warns that anything you give to others can feel like you’re pouring from an empty cup and often places a heavy strain on relationships and your ability to connect with others. Thankfully, with some guiding principles and dedication, the path to enhanced self-love is yours for the paving.
Whether you want to be happier on your own, be a better friend or partner, or simply stop being so hard on yourself, here are expert-approved strategies on how to love yourself — for real.
Self-Love Strategies
Quiet your inner critic
Easier said than done, we know. But it’s one of the biggest steps you can take to improve the quality of your life.
“If your inner dialogue is dominated by a loud critical voice then it will be hard to love and accept yourself as fully as you could,” David Klow, LMFT, founder of Skylight Counseling Center in Chicago and author of "Inspiration For The Weary Therapist: A Practical Clinical Companion," told TODAY. “Rather than judging or beating yourself up for being human, if you develop a practice of being gentle with your own thoughts and feelings then you are more capable of being kind and gentle with others.”
If a negative thought about yourself surfaces, try to separate fact from fiction. Start by writing down three things that counteract the critical thought to squash it once and for all.
"When critical voices arise in our heads, we can simply observe them and through mindfulness begin to distinguish and distance ourselves from these thoughts versus trying to push them away," Blessing Uchendu, LCSW, owner of Freshwater Counseling & Consulting, told TODAY.
Take yourself on dates
“We love ourselves by forming a relationship with ourselves,” Uchendu says. When getting to know someone, either romantically or platonically, we take their feelings into account and make sure that “the things that matter to them, matter to us.” We don't, however, extend that same courtesy to ourselves.
Uchendu recommends carving out uninterrupted time to do things that that bring us joy, and protect this time as we would if we were meeting with another person. “For those who did not receive sufficient emotional care when growing up, this process can involve reparenting your inner child,” she says. “This is simply about attending to and honoring the younger, more emotional parts of ourselves that weren’t witnessed when we were young, and now as adults, we have the ability to provide what we didn’t receive.”
Be more intentional about taking care of yourself
“Often physical trainers emphasize the ‘mind body’ connection — which means to think about the muscle group while completing the exercise intended to target it,” offered Romanoff. The psychologist asserts that the same process should be applied to self-care, by actively thinking about taking care of yourself while completing the activity intended to show self-love. For instance, Romanoff suggested that instead of viciously ruminating during your massage worrying about all the things you have to do later that day or week, use the time to show your body love with your thoughts. In general, Romanoff maintains that you should work to associate the actions of self-care (e.g., getting a massage, drinking your favorite tea, lighting your favorite candle) with your appreciation and love for yourself.
Slow down
During this time of growth, set aside time to rest and recharge. Uchendu suggests viewing yourself as "a human being, not simply a ‘human doing.’"
"While being productive is helpful and a necessary part of leading a fulfilling life, pushing oneself constantly to do better and be better is antithetical to loving oneself,” she says. Create designated time for embracing a slower pace by taking lunch breaks, developing hobbies and daydreaming.
Practice gratitude
An attitude of gratitude can do wonders. “Remember to shift attentional resources from all that you lack or are not to all that you are able to do and are skilled at,” Romanoff says. “Fall in love with the life you created for yourself and the person you’ve worked so hard to become.”
Even better, researchers are finding that embracing gratitude can have an impact on your physical health, too. “Clinical trials indicate that the practice of gratitude can have dramatic and lasting effects in a person’s life,” Robert A. Emmons, professor of psychology at UC Davis, previously told TODAY. “It can lower blood pressure, improve immune function and facilitate more efficient sleep.”
Try dialectical thinking
According to Simonian-Sotiriadis, dialectical thinking is “seeing things from multiple perspectives, to improve your sense of psychological balance."
Really, it's all in the words. Use the word “and” to join two opposing thoughts or feelings you have. Some examples: “I don’t always love the way my body looks and I know I can also accept myself as I am” or “my son struggles in school and that doesn’t mean I’m a bad parent."
“This practice will help you move away from the idea that there is only one truth and instead accept that there are many subjective truths," Simonian-Sotiriadis says. Over time, this will create a deep sense of self-acceptance.
Seek out a licensed therapist
While you can always turn to friends and family for guidance, therapists are a neutral, supportive party. “Therapists do not hold the same bias that you bring to your own experiences and perceptions," Romanoff says. You may even hear words from a therapist more clearly given the professional nature of your relationship.
“Folks often do not realize the extent to which they have internalized criticism and how it results in ingrained self-beliefs and automatic thoughts of denigration. Therapists can bring these programmed and often unconscious beliefs to the surface,” she says.
Stop idealizing others
It's time to stop putting other people on a pedestal. An easy solve: Limit or nix social media usage. “Remember that social media is an extreme version of the public persona or mask folks project, but only represents a sliver of the challenges, problems and difficulties that color individuals’ lives," Romanoff says.
In your own life, it’s easy to focus on the bad rather than celebrate the good. As a general rule, Romanoff says you shouldn’t let yourself be defined by your problems. “Rather, it is the evaluations about those problems and how they are dealt with that holds the key to self-love and overall functioning."
Live as if you love yourself every day
Keep this notion from Simonian-Sotiriadis in your back pocket. “If you engage in one act of self-compassion daily, the results will be significant over time," she says. To do this, she recommends asking yourself how you normally show love to others: "Is it through positive words, for example? Then apply that to yourself. Maybe that means writing yourself a brief positive note every day."
While you're at it, Simonian-Sotiriadis recommends focusing on giving what you really want or need “because so often we deprive ourselves of those things out of guilt or because of rigid thinking.” For instance, let yourself enjoy dessert guilt-free or ask others for help without worrying about being a burden.
Create clear boundaries
Establishing boundaries is one of the most valuable acts of self-care, but it varies from individual to individual.
“Boundaries might look like keeping some distance between you and a family member who is toxic and not allowing yourself to be guilt-tripped into spending time with them. Boundaries might also involve being clear with your limitations and not overcommitting as a way of expressing love towards yourself," Uchendu says.
Naturally, people are socialized to believe that their worth is in what they provide to others — even at the expense of themselves. “It is pretty revolutionary then, when as an act of love for themselves, someone might say ‘no’ to a request in order to honor their own need for rest,” she says.
Check in with yourself regularly
Romanoff says you can do this by creating a routine — like sitting with your coffee in the morning and taking inventory on how you are feeling, what you might need and what you could do to give it to yourself. “This is important because it creates the practice of becoming attuned to yourself, and with time you can more automatically consider how you’re feeling and steps you could take to better take care of yourself,” she says.
Own where you are
Remember: There’s only one you, which is why it's important to embrace yourself in your current state and not harp on your shortcomings. “If you are able to love and accept yourself, in all your humanness, inconsistency, and awkwardness, then you are more capable of loving and accepting others. It can be difficult to truly accept others when we judge and criticize ourselves,” Klow says.
Self-love is a subconscious thought before it even becomes a feeling, and feelings drive behavior. For that reason, Simonian-Sotiriadis recommends limiting thoughts that don’t contribute to grace, acceptance, or personal growth. “You first have to become aware of limiting thoughts, which are usually comparative, critical or apathetic toward yourself,” she says. Once you’re aware of these types of thoughts, Simonian-Sotiriadis urges individuals to find evidence that disproves their validity. Some examples of altered language include: “I have received feedback that I’m good at work presentations” versus "I'm not good at work presentations."
Label your emotions
Consider this a corollary to the above rule of thumb. “Acknowledge and validate your emotions, even the inconvenient or troublesome ones,” Romanoff says. “Each of your emotional reactions are valid and hold an important function by alerting you to what is needed."
Mindfulness and self-acceptance go hand in hand, according to Romanoff. It may be helpful to establish a daily meditation practice, even if it’s only for four minutes a day. Try apps like Simple Habit or Headspace, which can help hold you accountable and keep you engaged in making meditation part of your regular routine.
Adopt the motto “everyone deserves self-love”
Simonian-Sotiriadis urges clients to try to detach from the idea that love is transactional. “You don’t deserve to love yourself only when you are at your best. You deserve self-love no matter what, as a fundamental right that is as necessary as physiological needs like air, water, food, shelter, etc.,” she says. In fact, Simonian-Sotiriadis even points to the inclusion of love, belonging, self-esteem and self-actualization on American psychologist Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, a famous pyramid model of human essentials, as “proof that self-love is a basic human necessity!”
This article was originally published on TODAY.com
