I’ve Noticed That People Who Write “Parenting Doesn’t Matter” Articles Have One Thing in Common

This essay was adapted from Melinda Wenner Moyer’s newsletter, Is My Kid the Asshole? Subscribe here.

The other day, a friend pointed me to Arthur C. Brooks’ new essay in the Atlantic, “The One Big Thing You Can Do for Your Kids.” Brooks is a Harvard social scientist, an Atlantic columnist, a former president of the American Enterprise Institute, and the author of 13 books, including one he co-wrote with Oprah Winfrey.

Brooks makes a lot of points in his essay that I support. Like the assertion that “the parenting technique that truly matters is warmth and affection” and the argument that “you will make a lot of mistakes, but mostly they won’t matter.”

In other words, Brooks says, we don’t have to be perfect parents. Our kids will be OK.

I totally agree, but I’m not at all convinced by the premise for his argument. Brooks argues that it’s OK for us to make mistakes as parents because how we parent doesn’t matter—our children’s characteristics are shaped far more by nature (genes) than nurture (environment). “A huge amount of personality is biological and inherited,” Brooks writes, citing a couple of studies.

I think he’s overreaching here—and also overlooking other important considerations.

First, Brooks cites a study suggesting that genes play a large role in shaping personality. He writes:

Yet, when I think about who I want my kids to become, I’m not focused on broad personality traits like these. I mean, yes—I hope that my kids don’t end up neurotic, and I hope that they grow up to be conscientious, agreeable, and open to new experiences. (I couldn’t care less about extroversion.) But what I care about far more are their values and choices. Will my son treat girls and women with the respect they deserve? Will my kids be anti-racist? Will they stand up for—or at least show support and compassion for—peers who are being bullied?

These questions aren’t answered by that study. But they are addressed by others, which suggest that what we do as parents absolutely shapes kids’ values and behavior toward others. We know that the conversations parents have with kids about racism, sexism, sex, consent, and bullying make a difference in terms of what values kids hold and how they behave toward others; I cite plenty of this research in my first book. Other studies have found that broad parenting practices shape kids’ values and moral development. Some studies even suggest that the quality of the parent-child relationship affects how strongly various traits are shaped by genes vs. the environment—suggesting that how we raise our kids doesn’t merely affect how our kids turn out; it also affects just how much of an influence we have.

I want to spend a second reflecting on the numbers in that personality trait study too. The study finds that “41 percent of neuroticism may be inherited, as well as 53 percent of extroversion, 61 percent of openness to experience, 41 percent of agreeableness, and 44 percent of conscientiousness.”

If 41 percent or 53 percent or 61 percent of a trait is inherited, that means that the rest—a substantial portion!—is not inherited. This again suggests that the environment in which kids are raised does matter.

A few years ago, for this newsletter, I interviewed Danielle Dick, a psychologist at Virginia Commonwealth University who specifically studies genetic and environmental influences on human behavior. Dick explained to me that, yes, our kids’ genes absolutely shape who they will become. “The research unambiguously shows that our children’s genes play a large role in their behavior,” she told me.

But then she added: “I’m absolutely not saying that parents don’t matter.”

I was interviewing Dick because she wrote a (wonderful!) parenting book called The Child Code: Understanding Your Child’s Unique Nature for Happier, More Effective Parenting—and if genes were the only thing that mattered, I daresay she would not have penned a book full of parenting advice. In The Child Code, Dick argues that when making parenting choices, parents should consider how their kids are wired, because aligning parenting strategies with kids’ temperaments can make them more effective.

Back to Brooks’ essay. To support his argument that parents don’t matter, Brooks also mentions a 2021 study that investigated the link between specific parenting behaviors and personality. Brooks described this study as showing that “in most aspects, parenting mattered about as much as birth order—which is to say, its effect was little to none.”

Yet, in the very next paragraph, Brooks highlights two important exceptions: The personality traits of conscientiousness and agreeableness were shaped by parenting. Conscientiousness was found to be shaped by parent involvement in kids’ lives and how much cultural stimulation parents provided, and agreeableness was shaped by how much structure the parents provided—did they make their kids do their homework, etc.?—and parents’ goals.

Conscientiousness and agreeableness are among the personality traits I care about most because they most closely align with being a good human being—and this study, which Brooks cites as evidence that parenting doesn’t matter, suggests to me that parenting does matter for these traits. Other studies have reported that the environment plays an important role in shaping social values too.

It’s also worth highlighting that this 2021 study looked only at how personality traits were shaped by four specific parenting factors: parental goals, parental involvement in their kids’ school, parental structure, and parental cultural stimulation. The study didn’t investigate the impact of so many other things we as parents do, such as the conversations we have with our kids and how we engage with their emotions (which, research suggests, do matter when it comes to the development of children’s moral values).

So, even if the study had found no relationship between those four parenting dimensions and child personality traits, it would still be inaccurate and misleading to conclude that parenting doesn’t matter. The study looked at just a very small slice of what parents do.

As an aside, I find it interesting that most of the recent essays I’ve come across that argue that parents don’t matter have been written by men, who are often less involved in parenting. Maybe there’s a bit of rationalization going on? It’s fine that I’m not doing much at home—parenting doesn’t matter! Or maybe it makes sense: If men aren’t all that involved in child-rearing, then of course they will not have that much of an influence on their children. Research does suggest that kids learn more values from their mothers and grandmothers than from their fathers and grandfathers.

Still, these essays rub me the wrong way, and not just because they overgeneralize and cherry-pick the science. They feel like yet another way to undermine the hard, important work that women typically do. (Brooks also wrote an essay on marriage last year that argued that couples shouldn’t attempt to split domestic duties equally because doing so “militates against one of the most important elements of love: generosity—a willingness to give more than your share in a spirit of abundance, because giving to someone you care for is pleasurable in itself.” OK, dude.) I can’t help but point out that the “Nature matters more than nurture” argument has long been used to support racism too.

Let me circle back to Brooks’ overarching point. Brooks argues that it’s OK for us to make mistakes as parents because what we do doesn’t make much of a difference. I disagree: I think it’s OK for us to make mistakes because parenting does matter. Mistakes are opportunities for growth and education. When we screw up, we teach our kids many important things. We teach them that all humans are works in progress and that we should strive to learn and grow throughout our lives. We model for them how to apologize, be humble, and take responsibility for our actions. We teach them that life is often more complex and messy and beautiful than we expect it to be—and that, I believe, is a good thing.