Unpacking the "Pick Me Girl" and Why Giving Someone That Label is Complicated

On "cool girls" who crave validation

Reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

She doesn’t eat salads, wear a lot of make-up or do girl drama. She eats burgers, drinks beer, loves sports, and always goes with the flow. She's not like other girls. Yeah, right! She’s just pretending to be “one of the guys” for attention, she's such a “pick me girl”.

You've probably encountered this term before, and maybe even know a few women who fit the bill, but does slapping this label on women do more harm than good in a world that strives for gender equality?

Related: What Is the Male Gaze?

Where Did the “Pick Me Girl” Originate?

In the early 2000s, there were a slew of movies and television shows where the main female characters were portrayed as “cool girls” who didn’t fit the female stereotype. Millennials who were teens at the time were heavily influenced by this representation.

For instance, there is a scene in A Cinderella Story where Austin asks Sam whether she prefers eating a rice cake or a hamburger. Sam responds with the latter and Austin is pleasantly surprised. Choosing the burger fits the “guys’ girl” category because it means she’s not obsessed with dieting like most girls.

Another example is Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me.” The lyrics describe how she wears sneakers and sits on the bleachers; however, her crush’s girlfriend wears high heels and is the cheer captain. And those differences are why she's more laidback and relatable and why he belongs with her.

Jump forward to recent years, Gen Z popularizes #PickMeGirl as an insult. It originates from the phrase “I’m not like other girls”. Labeling a woman as a “pick me girl” means she is being mocked for altering herself to win the approval of men. She’s desperate and willing to do anything to convince men that she is the better choice compared to other women.

Characteristics of a “Pick Me Girl”

The “pick me girl” is a topic that conceptualizes women whose behavior reflects their intense desire for male approval.

Marvy Beckman LICSW, Co-Chief Executive Officer of Sunstar Virtual Behavioral Solutions shared that a “pick me girl” will find ways to enhance her speech, appearance, and/or personality that favor those she seeks connection with. She spends her time around certain crowds or seeks to elevate different areas of her life that may be uncomfortable to meet this need.

Takeaway

• Prides herself as different from other women

• Not overly needy or feminine

• Constantly seeks validation from others, particularly men

• Wants to be known as a cool girl who can hang with the guys

• Low-maintenance, easy-going or chill

• Downplays her achievements and interests

Negative Associations With Being a “Pick Me Girl”

Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, clinical psychologist, professor, and writer in New York City shared that there are negative associations with being labeled a “pick me girl” because this girl tends to relinquish her power and predicates her value on being validated by a man.

A “pick me girl” finds their identity and worth by being chosen. She often jumps through hoops and changes her values, who she is, and her personality in hopes of being picked. The problem with this is that their need to be picked or validated is more about their lack of self-worth, so the perspective of the person labeling them may be skewed. The pick me girl may come off as annoying to other women, but she deserves to be cut a little slack—she just needs to work on her self-esteem.

“When women view relationships as an opportunity to be picked — which for many is reinforced as the highest goal a woman can achieve in society (followed by marriage and babies) they miss out on valuable information about the other person — and often end up with partners who are not well suited to them in the long run,” explained Dr. Romanoff.

Related: 'I Need Attention:' What This Means and How to Stop Needing It

Are There Any Positive Aspects of “Pick Me Girls”?

Before the label became popular, it was socially acceptable and even encouraged through the media for a woman to change who they were to appease the desires of men. The label helps to identify these behaviors as detrimental and recognizes the negative cultural influences that shape how a woman views herself in society.

Tatiana Rivera Cruz MSW, LCSW shared that there are a couple of positive aspects that came out from the “pick me girl” label.

“Positive aspects that we can analyze from the “pick me girl” label is the initiative to being exposed to others and confronting others' opinions about the self,” explained Cruz.

Are There “Pick Me Boys”?

Yes, there is such a label as “pick me boys”. Beckman explained that a “pick me boy” seeks connection in whatever way seems viable. Everyone has a different comfort level when expressing their needs to others. A “pick me boy” may change his appearance, education, and/or personality to get the connection he desires.

Cruz explained that a “pick me boy” may use emotional manipulation by faking self-esteem and using self-pity and self-deprecation to seek approval and their desire to fulfill their needs. For instance, a “pick me boy” will give compliments to others not because they genuinely want to praise someone but as a way to receive them.

How To Avoid Being a “Pick Me Girl”

There are ways for women to avoid being labeled a “pick me girl". This isn’t only about how to prevent being name-called. Dr. Romanoff shared that women can be more true to themselves and stop behaving with the primary goal of winning male approval. By de-centering men and instead centering themselves in the relationship process, women can work to reprogram this intense pressure and thrill of being picked.

“Instead of feeling inferior because the guy isn’t texting back or flaked on your date because you don’t feel good enough — ask yourself how his actions make you feel. Is this feeling something you want to experience from your partner?,” advised Dr. Romanoff.

When women are more sure of themselves and what they bring to the table, they can become less reliant on external validation. Always try to ground yourself in how the other person’s actions made you feel — instead of trying to assume your value based on how they treat you.

Potentially Harmful Impact of the “Pick Me Girl” Label

Gender stereotypes are associated with harassment, violence and sexism in men. In women, they are linked to body shame, eating disorders, reduced career-related ambitions, tolerance of abuse and sexist beliefs.

A “pick me girl” finds their identity and worth by being chosen. She often jumps through hoops and changes her values, who she is, and her personality in hopes of being picked. The problem with this is that their need to be picked or validated is more about their lack of self-worth, so the perspective of the person labeling them may be skewed.

Therefore, some may justify the “pick me girl” label as our society’s way of battling gender stereotypes. However, labeling someone for their behaviors is a form of stereotyping. Labels set harmful expectations for people whether they meet them or not.

For instance, just because a woman enjoys watching sports and hates doing her nails doesn’t mean she’s acting like a “pick me girl”. She may truly enjoy those things and there should be no shame in that. Labels make it difficult for anyone to behave authentically because they create a fear of being put in a box or not fitting in one.

In addition, for those who are intentionally acting like a “pick me girl”, it often stems from a lack of self-confidence, limited sense of identity, immaturity, the media and the cultural pressures to appeal to men and gain their validation. Therefore, instead of hating on someone for being a “pick me girl”, it’s more productive to put our efforts towards dismantling labels and supporting one another instead of pitting women against each other.

“Modern society has heavily influenced the ubiquitous experience of the desire to be picked. Many women can relate to this experience and we can help others break out of it by reminding them of their own value outside of the men they attach to. Women have equal power to be pickers — and it is important to empower the women in your orbit to make use of this skill,” advised Dr. Romanoff.

Read Next: Self-Objectification in Women

Read the original article on Verywell Mind.