Study Reveals the Top Reasons People Aren’t Close to Their Moms—And How To Cope
A new survey suggests feeling like you're not that close with your mom is normal, even though it can feel like you're an outlier. Experts explain why.
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Fact checked by Sarah Scott
Mother’s Day can bring about complicated feelings. While it’s a cherished day for some, it's a dreaded one for others. In fact, nearly half of the over 2,000 respondents to a survey conducted by the photobook company Mixbook reported they wish they were closer to their mothers.
These feelings are not only real but they're also important to acknowledge and validate, especially as we approach Mother’s Day (or any family holiday). It may sound like a cliche, but it's a truth that experts emphasize.
“It's important to hold space for all types of relationships with moms because even those who harbor anger, resentment, or sadness towards their mothers often also yearn for the particular and irreplaceable bond between a mother and child,” says Rachel Goldberg, LMFT, the founder of Rachel Goldberg Therapy.
In an ideal world, often conveyed in the media, that bond is “supposed” to be one full of nurturing and attachment and probably delicious homemade afterschool snacks. There’s a lot to unpack.
“Mom is both a person and a concept,” says Erisa M. Preston, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and regional psychotherapy director in California with Mindpath Health. “When society describes engaging in nurturing behavior or providing tender loving care, it is described as ‘mothering,’ not as ‘fathering.’ This is at least partly because there is a gender-based expectation that being a woman should automatically make someone a comforting, competent, and loving parent.”
The problem? “This type of assumption sets female parents up to be unable to meet unreasonable role expectations, which can be damaging for both the child, whether an adult or a minor, and the parent,” says Dr. Preston.
The new survey points to some gaps between expectations and reality. But, on a positive note, there are some ways to navigate difficult parent-child relationships.
What the Study Says on Mother-Child Relationships
Mixbook surveyed 2,021 American adults ages 18 to 76 across 40 states. Importantly, Mixbook’s survey isn’t peer-reviewed scientific data. But it does start a meaningful conversation about the relationships people have with their mothers and the feelings and reasons behind them.
The Mixbook survey found that:
Nearly half (46%) people see their mom at least once a week
Respondents from Maryland, New Jersey, and Tennessee reported the closest relationships with their moms
Oregon, New Mexico, and Washington reported the least close relationships with their moms
The main reasons people listed for not being close with their mothers were differing personalities, unresolved resentment, and past trauma and abuse
Why People Aren’t Close to Their Moms
Experts dig deeper into some reasons for fractured mother-child relationships based on the data provided by Mixbook.
Differing personalities
“No two people are alike” is a commonly used phrase. That’s true, and it isn’t always bad.
“That diversity makes us stronger as a community, family, and overall society,” says Colleen Marshall, LMFT, the chief clinical officer for Two Chairs.
However, sometimes, it can interfere with parent-child relationships. “Differing personalities mean any diverging traits or temperaments that impact the ability to connect,” Dr. Preston says.
Some examples of differing personalities may include:
Introvert vs. extrovert
Senses of humor
Lack of common interests
Dr. Preston says these differences sometimes help parents and children bring out the best in one another. But they can also hinder the ability to bond.
Unresolved resentment
Many factors can lead to unresolved resentment in parent-child relationships. Goldberg says a few top reasons include:
Past conflicts
Misunderstandings
Unmet expectations
A child becoming more aware of earlier issues as they come to terms with hurt
The latter, explains Goldberg, “can create distance or anger toward their mother, often without the mom realizing the cause for the recent changes."
For example, Marshall says you may have felt like your mother was too critical of your appearance when you were a child. As an adult, you may now have a negative reaction to any comments about how you look.
“When we have a reaction, we are telling ourselves stories or believing this situation is the same and a repeat of the unresolved issue,” Marshall says. “We then believe that we know what the other person is thinking and often are not checking it out with that person. So, it might be that your mother actually thinks you look nice, but her facial expression, your history, and your belief that she is critical of you make you think that she actually thinks you do not look good today.”
Past trauma
Abuse and neglect are two common reasons for past trauma, Dr. Preston says. But there’s a lesser-known one, too: Emotional fit.
“This is more of the ‘trauma with a little t’ variety, though that should not be interpreted as less important or potentially impactful,” Dr. Preston says. “You could be a ‘perfect’ parent, and your child could be a ‘perfect’ child, but if there is not a good fit, there will be at least some degree of the relationship is unsatisfactory.”
Whatever the case, any kind of trauma can be detrimental to a relationship.
“Past trauma can deeply impact the trust and emotional bond between a mother and child, leading to feelings of fear, resentment, avoidance, guilt, or regret, which can make it challenging to establish or maintain a close relationship,” Goldberg says. “Even if the trauma wasn't directly caused by the child's mother, feelings of resentment may arise if the mother didn't protect the child adequately, leading to a perceived lack of safety.”
Navigating Challenging Relationships
It’s possible to navigate fractured parent-child connections, according to experts.
Set boundaries
Boundaries are not unkind. “Set and maintain boundaries with clear communication regarding your needs and limits to your mother,” Goldberg explains.
Goldberg says an example of a boundary-setting statement is: "Mom, I know you feel you are helping by intervening in my relationship, but it leads me to feel incompetent and exacerbates conflicts. Please stop advising us on how to interact."
Find common ground
Feel worlds apart? While working through differences is important, finding similarities can actually help with these efforts.
“Discover topics or activities that both of you enjoy and can discuss without accentuating personality differences,” Goldberg says.
For example, you might watch movies together and have weekly discussions about them or take a pottery class where you are both focused on learning and creating.
Prioritize mental health
This is a biggie.
“Know when distance needs to be made a priority for your well-being, especially during stressful times or with ongoing abuse or manipulation,” Goldberg says.
For instance, if Mom has a substance use disorder, you might say something like, “I know you want to see your grandkids, but until you get sober, I am not open to them being a part of your life.”
Know you are not alone
If you’re not as close to your mother as you’d like to be, experts say it’s important to know you’re not alone—particularly during times of year like Mother’s Day, when images of positive mother-child relationships are seemingly everywhere.
“Not everybody has a close or healthy relationship with their mom or their child, whether because of things beyond their control or because of boundaries they have chosen to make and enforce,” says Dr. Preston. “This can be quite painful for people longing for a closer or more fulfilling relationship.”
Give yourself grace. And if Mother’s Day feels painful for you, Mixbook points out you can spend the day celebrating other important figures in your life, such as aunts, grandmothers, or anyone else who has provided comfort and support.
Also, don't be afraid to seek out help if you feel you need a professional to speak to about your relationship with your mother (or any parent).
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