Humor: What I really want from the stork
Because we don't all want a baby
There are many who would be overjoyed to have the stork arrive on their doorstep with a baby. It sounds nice. But to be honest, I'm not always in the mood for a baby. There are so many other things a stork could deliver that would make me happy that doesn't involve an infant.
A proper cappuccino
I love my instant coffee machine, but sometimes I want a decadent cup of foam with enough espresso to make me feel French. However, I don't want to spend a lot of money. Thus, a surprise delivery of a cappuccino rather than a baby would be perfect for those days.
Another beautiful notebook that will go unused
Will I use it? No, I'm a coward who fears ruining lovely leather-bound pages with my ramblings. But I will cherish it and occasionally rub its thick paper greedily to appreciate the quality.
Money
Money can't buy happiness. Except it kind of can? Plus, if that stork ever hopes to drop a baby on my doorstep, the money would help me build a nest egg because have you seen the price of formula?
A tiny human (not a baby, think Thumbelina)
I want a tiny human who will punch me in the knee whenever I get distracted from work, which is often. In exchange, I'll protect her from lecherous moles and toads.
My friends who live too far from my home
American cities tragically underfund their public transportation systems. A good stork would save my friends the awfulness of a two-hour commute or an Uber fee by delivering them to my door. Then, the stork can take them straight home before nine because I want to get into soft pants at some point and watch my murder shows in peace.
Toilet paper when I run out at an inopportune moment
I don't have to explain this. You know everyone would kill for this service.
Alcohol
Wine for a party, a movie night, a night where nothing is needed but a bottle of red to flavor a pasta sauce. Or, maybe some of us need a little mental lubricant to comb through our bills and rehash our past mistakes. I don't ask the stork why he has a supply of liquor so he doesn't get to judge me.
Podcast or video recommendations
The stork knows my likes because of magic, not because it has tracked all my online data, which makes the situation less creepy. Hopefully, this will also keep my feed free of flat-Earther channels. You watch ONE conspiracy video, and the algorithm thinks it knows you.
A calming influence on anxious nights
Put down that baby and tell me what I need to hear to go to sleep, stork!
The head of my greatest enemy
Sometimes, you wake up and choose violence. Or you can wake up and demand your stork does the violence for you.
Writing dumb things to make you laugh