10 possible reasons why women's clothing still lacks proper pockets
If you give a woman a pocket she's gonna ask for a divorce
For too long, women have struggled to find garments with decent pockets. Sometimes, they think they've struck the jackpot only to discover that the pockets were purely decorative rather than functional. I have always wondered why equal pocket access remained a dream. After much contemplation, I think I have uncovered ten possible reasons why pockets remain elusive in women's clothing.
1. Deep pockets would allow women to see how little they make in traditionally underpaid industries. This would lead to them demanding more pay, and we can't have that. Think of the economy!
2. When those in charge of pocket-making decisions were children, they read the book If You Give a Woman Pockets. The general plot reveals that should you budge an inch, a woman will make increasingly ludicrous demands. One memorable stanza goes, "If you give a woman pockets, she's going to ask for the vote. If you give her the vote, she's going to vote with her emotions." It's really in society's best interest that pockets and women don't mix.
3. A woman might use pockets to hide the fact that she's crossing her fingers. Think of what she might be lying about! Like when she says, "I love you," or, "I'm on birth control." It is best to keep the lying to a minimum by maintaining the pocket status quo.
4. All women are witches when given the right tools. One of which is pockets. By some strange alchemy, pockets allow women to open an alternate dimension where no one is arguing about the most basic reproductive rights or if the main character in a popular franchise should be female.
5. Big Bag is paying lobbyists to stop pocket equality. If women have pockets, they might stop carrying large bags. This will cause the profits of Big Bag to decrease significantly.
6. The fashion regulators in Washington are older gentlemen who, for some reason, believe that babies are attached to their mothers by purses rather than umbilical cords. A woman who is demanding pockets is, therefore, fighting against her biological destiny.
7. Men fear women will no longer hold their clammy hands in public once they discover pockets' comforting, dry warmth. Plus, men can't be sure if other men who cross their path will know the woman with hands in her pockets is taken. How else will it be known that she is claimed? Pockets are only for women who are looking to cheat.
8. Pockets are the gateway fashion trend that leads to wearing pants. Once she wears a garment that accentuates her butt, men will think about her butt. Then she will think about her butt. The fashion overlords are simply guarding her purity when they deny ladies the roomy pockets that men have as a rule.
9. Women will have easier access to pepper spray, making them harder to stalk. If you can't stalk them, how will they know you want to date them? Men will be afraid to ask a woman walking alone at night if she would like to go on a date because of pepper spray or other weapons. Which means they will never get married. Which means they will never have children. The population will decrease. Humans will go extinct—all this chaos because a few uppity women wanted real pockets.
10. Companies that have mass-produced clothing for the past 100 years don't realize how much women want pockets because they take their own for granted. Plus, they didn't know that pockets were very much in style for everyone until the 1920s. Oh no! Do they know? They are punishing us because of the vote, aren't they?