The Spiritual Meaning of Dreaming About Your Ex, According to a Dream Analyst

Beth Ann Mayer
·7 min read
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Woman dreaming about her ex

Breaking up is hard to do, even in the best of circumstances. However, say you did the work. You lit the candle, took the bubble bath, journaled and went to therapy. Maybe you even found someone new—someone who is a dream come true.

And yet, despite your best efforts, your ex recently reappeared in an actual dream.

"In my experience, most clients tell me, 'I am so over this relationship. I don't understand why they keep showing up in my dreams,'" says Lauri Quinn Loewenberg, a professional dream analyst.

What a nightmare, right? Maybe not. 

Loewenberg says there is likely a spiritual meaning behind the unwelcome ex-related dream, discussing the misnomers and meanings behind dreaming about your ex. She also gives tips on what to do next (and what you probably should not do).

Related: 57 Common Dreams and Their Hidden Meanings

The No. 1 Biggest Myth About Dreaming About an Ex

The biggest myth? You should get back in touch (or together) with the former flame you once told you were never getting back together with (like, ever). "This is rarely the case," Loewenberg says. "First of all, you have to remember that this person is an ex for a reason."

Does Dreaming About Your Ex Mean They Miss You?

Probably not (sorry). 

"Your dreams are all about you," Loewenberg says. "Your dreams are your creation, and everything in the dream is some aspect of you or something that directly affects you. So, if you wake up with any sort of longing or nostalgia from dreaming about your ex, those are your feelings, not the ex's." 

Related: 11 Small Things That Happy, Healthy Couples Always Do, According to a Therapist

OK, So What Does a Dream About an Ex Mean Spiritually?

1. You're ready to grow

Your soul may be cluing you into your readiness to grow and heal from whatever harm the ex caused. It may seem ironic the toxic ex is the messenger, but it's expected.

"The subconscious will borrow elements of our past and present them to us in a dream because something is going on in our current life that feels similar to back then or we need a reality check," Loewenberg says.

Consider it a compare-and-contrast moment—a reminder that you can do hard things. Recently, Loewenberg appeared on a podcast, and the host mentioned that she was having dreams about a toxic ex.

"In the dreams, he tells her, 'It's always been you. You are the one I have always loved,'" Loewenberg says. "Her brain created this dream, so it is not him sending telepathic messages to her but rather her own soul telling her, 'You are the one I have always loved.'"

The toxic relationship had broken her down so much that she had forgotten how to love herself. 

"The ex is the one that taught her to stop loving herself, so the only way she was going to get the message was to be told, in...the voice of the ex, that it's time to love herself again,"  Loewenberg explains.

2. It's time to break up with something

Loewenberg says exes can be spiritual messengers that we need to break up with something else—literally or figuratively.

"What is it you need to break up with—a behavior? A mindset? Maybe even a friend?" she suggests asking yourself. "The way to figure that out is to ask yourself what stands out the most about that ex you're dreaming about. Is there anything or anyone in your life that feels similar?"

The answer is what it's time to break up with.

3. Recognize positivity within

Not all exes are toxic. One who made a positive impact may also return in dream form to deliver a message.

"If the ex you are dreaming about left a positive impact on you, then your subconscious, your soul, wants you to recognize positivity within yourself right now at this time in your life," Loewenberg says.

It may be time to shift your inner voice's narrative to something more positive, like your ability to bring together people of different backgrounds toward a common cause.

4. What to look for in a soulmate

A dream about an ex may be an even more effective way to find your real soulmate than a Date Me Doc.

"Dating and being in relationships is like shopping in that we all want to find that perfect fit, and along the way, we often have to return items we thought would work for us,"  Loewenberg says

For example, Loewenberg says you may learn orange isn't your new black.

"If you suddenly find yourself dreaming of an ex, it might be that your subconscious is trying to remind you that you've once again bought an orange blouse, and it is not going to work for you," Loewenberg says. "The same is true on the positive side...You may dream of an ex that really made you laugh, but it didn't work out because he was a mama's boy. It may be that your subconscious, your soul, wants you to have someone in your life who makes you laugh the same way that particular ex did."

5. You're at peace

Surprise—the seemingly random dream about an old flame may indicate you're over them.

"Dreaming that you are back together and happy with a toxic or abusive ex often holds a very powerful spiritual message," Loewenberg says. "Most often, this dream is letting you know that you have come to terms and are at peace with that part of your past."

Loewenberg says dreams about these harmful exes can be the soul's way of pointing out that you no longer consider that part of your life as something to be ashamed of.

"Instead, you're using it as a building block in your pillar of strength, a lesson learned, an invaluable pearl of wisdom," Loewenberg says.

Related: The Beautiful Symbolism of Butterfly Tattoos, Revealed—Plus, 11 Inspiring Butterfly Tattoo Ideas

What Should You Do if You Dream About Your Ex?

Take a deep breath.

"Keep in mind that there is always a helpful reason as to why you are dreaming about an ex," Loewenberg says.

Keep in mind that there is always a helpful reason as to why you are dreaming about an ex. To figure out what the reason and meaning of it is, ask yourself these questions:

  • What three things stand out the most to me when I think about this particular ex

  • Is there anything or anyone in my life right now that feels/seems similar to any of those three descriptors? If so, is that a good or bad thing for me?

  • What was I like when that particular ex was in my life?

  • Have I grown since then, or is part of me still stuck?

  • What was said between us in the dream? ("Whatever was said will very likely apply to you and your life right now," Loewenberg says.)

  • What is the big lesson I learned from being with that ex?

  • How can I apply that lesson now?

Should You Reach Out to Your Ex if You Dreamt of Them?

Probably not. "It's rarely a good idea," Loewenberg says. "The main reason we dream about an ex is because there is a lesson from back then that applies to your life now."

There's one exception to this rule.

"There were circumstances beyond the control of both of you that ended the relationship, and you are certain there are still feelings on both ends," Loewenberg says.

Otherwise, focus on the present and future, not the former flame.

Next: If You See a Blue Jay, Here's the True, Unexpected Significance of Them Appearing in Your Life