Our Son’s Random Violent Outbursts at School Are Getting Out of Control

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

We’re at a wall with our 7-year-old son, who, since Christmas break, has become aggressive at school and unwilling to do classroom work or follow rules. He does show signs of ADHD—one of his older brothers has it but is able to manage it well, and has never been anything but kind and gentle; just has lots of energy. Until recently, his little brother was like that as well. One on one with his father or family, he’s fine, with some redirection at times. He loves creating art and can happily complete a drawing and coloring of it appropriately. He’s very smart and can do grade-level and above work in math and reading, but when asked to work in class refuses or will tear up papers. He’s started hitting other kids when he hasn’t been bullied or been hit first. He punched a kid in the stomach today. He told the principal he was having a hard day. He’s immediately sorry and knows he’s done something wrong.

We are a two-parent home, happy marriage, solidly middle class, both work full-time. He has three brothers (two are adults), goes to his grandparents’ house after school, is kind to animals, and openly gives hugs to family and friends. School just makes him unhappy for some reason. We haven’t had anyone die recently, pets or family. We’re at a loss how to get through that this behavior is unacceptable.
We’ve tried extra chores, rewards for good behavior, time alone with us to go to something fun. It works for a bit, then doesn’t. We have an appointment with a therapist next week who says she might be able to help, but isn’t sure because of his age, and our pediatrician had us and his teachers fill out behavior assessments. What should we be doing to modify behavior at school when there isn’t a valid reason you can find out for outbursts?

—Concerned

Dear Concerned,

Even without a firm diagnosis, the school should want to work with you now to address your son’s behaviors, which are clearly interfering with his learning (and affecting his classmates, too, particularly those he’s hit). I assume the school already has some sort of disciplinary system in place for when students are violent, so I’m going to focus on your son’s classroom struggles. What is happening in school, right before he acts out? If you don’t know, ask the teachers and/or school therapists to pay close attention and maybe keep a record for a few weeks of his meltdowns and what seems to trigger them. Maybe there’s something going on that you can address. If he finds the classroom distracting or overstimulating, maybe there are times when noise-canceling headphones would help. If he is capable of doing the work but struggles to get started and focus on it independently, figuring out how to get him more support might make a difference. I’m not saying either of these things are going on; they’re just examples—my point is that more data about what’s happening, when, and why could really be helpful. If you don’t think the teachers or school therapists will do what you ask, sign a release form to send in a private therapist or someone else to observe and take notes.

In addition to trying to learn his triggers, think about what kinds of things keep him calm or help him redirect when at home—can any of those things be transferred to the classroom? You mentioned that he loves art—could he be allowed breaks for art in class, when needed, in order to settle down and process? Or, if he completes an assignment without tearing it up or acting out, can he earn time to draw or read or write something of his choosing? Are there any other activities that could help him stay calm and deal with any big emotions he’s experiencing at school?

I know it’s frustrating not to have answers or an obvious solution. It’s great that you’ve scheduled an appointment with a therapist and are working with your son’s pediatrician on assessments. He may well have ADHD like his brother, only it manifests differently for him—or there might be something else going on that you haven’t got a name for yet. I hope you and his doctor are able to find some answers eventually.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I have two kids. This letter is about our younger kid, 13-year-old “Kat.” She always worked so hard for mediocre grades and also had trouble with social skills.
We’ve encouraged her hard work and supported her non-academic talents and interests, and signed her up for sports/clubs/music trying to expose her to potential friends. When she was in elementary school, we asked to get her tested for learning differences, but were told she didn’t need it so we dropped the idea.

In February, an unexpected work change forced our family to move to a nearby city and switch schools mid-year. We got lucky with an amazing, experienced teacher for Kat who pushed for testing early on, and Kat was diagnosed with autism in early April. We’re still fine-tuning the support for her at school, but her grades have had a sharp change and she seems to grasp concepts more easily, and she has made some acquaintances even if no friends yet. We’re reading parenting books about autistic girls and trying to figure out how to support her better at home.

There’s a social enrichment group for skills and “buddy” programming at her current school, and while her teachers say it’s going well, Kat is frustrated and embarrassed by it. We’re trying to prepare for high school next year and Kat insists that it’s embarrassing to have an IEP and supports and says she doesn’t want them. She’s pushing really hard to get out of the social enrichment programs when she goes to high school. I think she needs them, and her school team recommended them too! But she is growing into her own teenage person, so I don’t want to ignore her feelings about her own life. How can we help her? Especially with shame and embarrassment, which is normal for teens but seems to be much worse for her?

—Learning Mom

Dear Learning Mom,

I know you’re still learning yourselves, but the first thing I’d want to do in this case is make sure Kat is fully educated about the IEP process. It’s harder for her to advocate for herself if she doesn’t understand the purpose of the IEP, how decisions are made about supports and accommodations, and how all these things are supposed to support her learning. Every single kid at her school, autistic or disabled or not, has a unique set of learning needs. The IEP is about getting Kat what she needs in order to learn as much as she can—that’s not going to look exactly the same as it would for another student, and it’s not supposed to. Her feelings about this do matter, even if you wish she felt differently, so make sure she knows that you hear what she’s saying about feeling embarrassed.

In your place, I wouldn’t want to drop any recommended academic supports or accommodations that have helped her make so much progress this year (no one else needs to be privy to them except for her educators, which should mitigate the embarrassment factor?). You can be open to fading some academic support over time, of course, but I’d at least want to see how freshman year goes—the high school transition can be rough for any kid. It feels too early to drop the IEP when you’re still working on putting it in place. And turning down support and accommodations that a school is legally required to offer to ensure that every child is getting a free and appropriate public education isn’t always a straightforward process.

For what it’s worth, I do think there may be room to be more flexible when it comes to things like the buddy program or the social skills group, so long as the school is also open to letting Kat decide about those (sometimes they might recommend them to address a specific student behavior that’s somehow interfering with learning). The thing is, if Kat really doesn’t want to participate in some recommended social enrichment programs, resents being forced to go, and subsequently puts no effort into them, how much will they help her? Remember, too, that the IEP process is ongoing; every year, you’ll have a chance to work on a new plan with the school. It can be hard to get some things back once you take them out, but it’s not impossible—if the buddy program could really benefit Kat down the line and she becomes more open to it, you can revisit it with her.

It’s great that you already recognize your daughter’s right to speak up about all this. The IEP is not supposed to just be a thing that happens to her, formed without her input—she and her needs are at the center of it, and her voice really matters. You want her to understand it and feel empowered to ask questions, voice concerns, actively advocate for herself, and be part of the decision-making process now and going forward.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

To be blunt: My family is racist. I try desperately not to be, and them being this way makes me incredibly frustrated, both because the things they say are disgusting, and it makes me worried for my younger brothers thinking this is okay. For example, at last year’s Thanksgiving football game, one of my younger brothers (15 at the time) would point out without prompting every time there was a Black person on screen like it was a running gag. He also makes antisemitic jokes about one of my other brothers (who isn’t actually Jewish but has said he is as a joke for several years, and didn’t know what antisemitic meant until I told him last year). Because most if not all their problematic comments are couched in snide comments or jokes, if I try to explain the problem, I’m then scoffed at as the liberal who can’t have fun. What can I do to make my family realize the problem with mocking everyone different from them?

—Racist Jokes Aren’t Funny

Dear Racist Jokes Aren’t Funny,

I’ve been where you are and hate to break this to you, but if your family members don’t want to acknowledge (or care) that they’re being racist, they won’t—there’s no way for you to “make” them. I’m not saying you shouldn’t speak up or challenge them; I think you should! If you have to hear their offensive remarks, they can hear you saying that it’s not ok. It seems especially worth talking about this with your brothers, given that they’re young and still forming their opinions—if you can influence them to the good, it’s worth trying.

Ultimately, however, you may be forced to accept that no matter what you say or how you say it, your relatives might never change. If that’s the case, you can think about how much of a dealbreaker that is for you, and whether or not you want to limit your contact with some or all of them. Just as you don’t owe them your silence now, you don’t owe them significant amounts of your time or energy if you don’t want to listen to their racist comments.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 7-year-old is an at-home nudist. She isn’t like this in public—e.g., she prefers to use a private stall when changing at the pool—but she has always felt comfortable enough around my husband and me to leave her room naked in the middle of changing her clothes because she needs to ask us something, or find a toy, or whatever. I haven’t cared much about the nudity, but I wonder when and how I should tell her that she needs to stop before she starts puberty. I don’t want her to feel like there’s something wrong with her body, present or future, but I know it will get pretty uncomfortable before long. My husband and I don’t ourselves spend time naked in front of our daughter. How should I/we approach this?

—Jaybird

Dear Jaybird,

I agree it’s important not to shame your daughter or make her feel badly about her body, as though it’s wrong or inherently embarrassing. Sometimes it’s just necessary or expedient to change clothes around others, like a locker room or what have you. But if you’d be more comfortable with your daughter covering up at home in front of you and your husband, I think you can just try to be clear about what’s ok in the privacy of her own room (whatever she wants, so long as she’s safe), in your family home, and in public / when others are around (though it sounds as though she instinctively covers up in those situations). Maybe something like: “Your body is healthy and good, and it’s also personal to you. It’s okay for me or a doctor or nurse to look at your body if there’s a medical reason, but otherwise your body is private to you.”

This behavior of hers might not persist much longer anyway, given her age. But you can make privacy part of the larger, important conversation you have with her about her right to control her body and the importance of respecting it.

—Nicole

Our nanny, “Lucy,” has been taking care of our daughter since she was 4 months old. (She is now nearing 2 years old.) She has worked for us part time, three days a week. I am a teacher and off for the summers, but out of courtesy to her, we kept her on over the summers. We just signed a new contract with her beginning Labor Day to begin full time, five days a week. The issue: While she was away on a weeklong vacation, she texted to inform me that she would be out of town for an additional two weeks to help children at the border.