The Neighborhood Girls Are Shunning My Kid for “Leaving a Mess.” Huh?

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter has a friend a few doors down whom she rides the bus with. She will sometimes go to her house and play. One house further, there are two little girls who are friends with my daughter’s friend. At one point, they all went into that family’s house to play as a group. Afterward, however, my daughter was unable to rejoin their group to play outside, and has rarely had chances to play with her friend because the two little girls—we’ll call them Sally and Susie—are usually around. Now, when she gets off of her bus, my daughter’s friend joins Sally and Susie to play, while my daughter walks home dejected.

I asked her about it one day, and apparently, she was told by Sally and Susie that she’s not allowed to come over because she “left a mess” that one single time she was at their house. My daughter’s answer was “if I had known I’d made a mess, I would’ve cleaned it” and she seemed genuine in that. First of all, I tend to doubt that out of a group of four girls, my daughter was the only one to leave a mess. This leads me to believe they pinned a mess on her, possibly as a copout for just generally disapproving of her. (My impression of the family is that they are very private and stuck up.) Regardless, it’s indisputable that daughter was unaware she’d left a mess and was not given the opportunity to cure it—it’s not outside of the realm of normal for children to be messy, and as her mother, I would’ve gladly sent her back over to clean if this were the real issue.

I’m now left fuming on my daughter’s behalf and tempted to confront a neighbor, although I realize this will do no good. I don’t particularly care that she’s not friends with Sally and Susie, but it seems she is now being pushed away from her actual friend, because she’s no longer welcome in the group. I’m angry that a child was given absolutely no grace to be a child. Still, we know better than to go where we aren’t welcome and if the best-case scenario is her being begrudgingly allowed back in, we wouldn’t want that anyway. Is there anything to be done here, or do we let this go?

—Fuming Mother

Dear Fuming Mother,

First, make sure your child has your support and encouragement in expressing whatever she’s feeling about all of this. Whatever has happened, she is missing her friend and feeling left out, and that can feel like the end of the world when you’re young. It’s totally okay to be angry on her behalf, but make sure that when you listen and talk with her about it, you keep the focus on her emotions and not yours. And maybe ask her if there’s anything she would like you to try to do about this, because that might be clarifying for you.

I’m not sure what happened at the two girls’ house, and you can’t really be sure, either, because you’re getting vague information thirdhand. “A mess” can mean different things to different people, and your child isn’t even sure what “mess” others were referring to. The only way you’ll really know what happened is to ask the parents of the two girls, which I think you have every right to do if you want to. It doesn’t have to turn into a big confrontation with your neighbor(s) if you don’t want that. You can start the conversation as more of a fact-finding mission: “I noticed that my daughter doesn’t come over to play with your daughters and their other friend anymore, and she really misses hanging out with them. My daughter said something about a mess—can you tell me what happened last time she came over?”

It’s possible (if not likely, I’ll grant you) that this was just some sort of misunderstanding between the kids. It could be that the little girls don’t want your daughter around because they want to monopolize her friend’s attention, so they pinned the mess on her or made up a story about their parents being upset about it. Or it could be that the other parent(s) really are stuck-up people who don’t love having your child around. They aren’t going to put it in exactly those terms, probably, but in any case, you should have a better sense of what happened—at least from their perspective—after you talk with them. Then you can decide what you want to do based on that information. If they’re terrible snobs, sure, write them off. If there is some other explanation for your child being left out, though, it could be worth trying to smooth things over purely for the sake of your child, who is missing her friends.

Another option is just to arrange playdates with your daughter and her friend, either at your house or theirs. There’s no reason the only hangouts have to be at Sally and Susie’s house, nor do all four girls have to hang out or be close friends. Assuming that your daughter and her friend are still close, you can encourage their 1:1 friendship and provide opportunities for them to see each other outside of school.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My friend just had a destination wedding in a tropical location last weekend, and I was a bridesmaid. My husband, our kids (22 months and 6 months), and I flew in the Monday before the wedding to have a couple days of vacation before the Saturday events, then flew back home Sunday evening. We all went to the more casual pre-wedding activities the couple had, as appropriate, but it was a childfree ceremony/reception, so my husband stayed with the kids in our room while I went. When my friend (and nearly anyone else at/in the wedding) found out my husband was “there” but not at the wedding with me, they were all very surprised and asked why we didn’t use the childcare services set up by the couple and provided by the resort. I told them we were more comfortable with having someone our kids know well with them and also thought being in our own room versus a random room they would need to be moved out of at the end of the night made more sense. Multiple people told me not to be so uptight and that my kids would’ve been fine. People I hardly knew or didn’t know were actively seeking me out to talk to me about it, so I guess I was a topic of discussion.

I’m sure the kids would have been fine, and I judge no one that chose to use the provided service, but it doesn’t change the fact that we weren’t comfortable leaving our kids with strangers in a place they’ve never been. At home my MIL occasionally babysits and we also have a trusted local college student, so it’s not like we never leave our kids, although I am currently a SAHM. When I return to work in the fall, they will be attending a local daycare, and we feel perfectly comfortable with that. If the wedding had been a shorter distance from home or a less expensive destination, there’s a good chance we would’ve brought our babysitter with us. Is it really so strange to not want to use complete strangers for childcare, especially for such young children?

—He’s in the Room

Dear He’s in the Room,

Everyone has the right to want a childfree wedding. That said, I think that if someone chooses to have one, they shouldn’t get upset about how guests who are also parents of young children end up fulfilling that requirement? Pestering you for doing your best under conditions you didn’t choose is unnecessary—the sort of thing people do when they assume that all children are exactly the same or exactly like theirs.

Even if most kids would have been fine with that childcare arrangement, that doesn’t mean you had to choose it. And there are any number of reasons why particular children wouldn’t do quite as well with caregivers they don’t know, especially in an unfamiliar environment. You know your children best—you made the choice you thought was best for them. It doesn’t matter what other people think or if they would have made the same decision. I do think it might have been thoughtful to give your friend a heads-up about your plan beforehand, just so she wouldn’t be surprised not to see your husband at the wedding. But you certainly didn’t owe an explanation to any of the other guests.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

Is it a bad thing not to have a TV in the house? I’m about to have a little one, and I’m worried about socialization issues. I have ADHD and hated watching movies in my parents’ home so I just never got one as an adult. My plan was to get toys and tell my kid to entertain themselves. But there’s so much culture around nostalgia for TV.

—Tune Out

Dear Tune Out,

I seriously doubt that your kid’s social life will depend on getting all the TV show references. No one needs a television in the age of streaming and TikTok. (I have a TV my kids almost never watch; lest I sound too self-satisfied, it’s just because they prefer to be on other devices, in their rooms.) Try to be flexible with your kid as well as yourself, and be open to the idea of paying for some streaming services down the line if they really want to watch what their friends are watching. In the meantime, if you can get through their pre-kindergarten years without ever putting a show in front of their eyeballs just so you can get half an hour of work done, you’re more resourceful than I am.

Dear Care and Feeding,

Please tell me I shouldn’t feel guilty about not being able to sign my kids (15, 13, 11) up for activities over the summer because everything that might be interesting to them is scheduled during working hours and I would have no way to get them there. They are probably just going to be at home and bored all summer…again! Sigh. I’m just over here gearing up for another summer of screen time.

—Summertime Sadness

Dear Summertime Sadness,

At your kids’ ages, they probably want to spend most of their leisure time on their devices or with their friends (or both at once). Especially your two older ones—I don’t know many teens clamoring to go to summer camp. Encourage your kids to make plans with their friends whenever you and the other parents can make that work. If they happen to have a fun grandparent or other relative who likes to either visit or host them, summer is the perfect time for that, too.

If your kids really do want to schedule some activities, maybe see if there’s anything offered on the weekends or whatever days you typically have off? I also recommend frequent library trips so they can check out books and audiobooks and movies (some libraries also let you check out board games, puzzles, and video games); that still helps me get through summer with my kids. On days you work, is there a park or pool (with a lifeguard) they can easily walk to? Is there anything else to do in your neighborhood or nearby that you trust them to do without you, assuming they can all stick together and look out for each other?

I realize times have changed a lot (and maybe I was just a weird kid), but I loved free, unstructured summer days, especially after a stressful school year. You definitely shouldn’t feel guilty for not scheduling your kids all summer, even if they do end up with more screen time than you would like. Figuring out what to do over summer vacation is a struggle for so many parents. At least your kids will have each other, and are old enough that you probably won’t have to line up childcare for them.

—Nicole

My son is 6. Among other things, he loves fairies, unicorns, stories about girls, and the color pink. Good for him, right? My son and my daughter have both been brought up to know that everything is for everyone. Only trouble is the other kids haven’t been brought up that way. The other night my son couldn’t sleep because he really wants to read a unicorn book at school but doesn’t want his friends to laugh at him. My question is should I keep asking his teacher to step in and try to teach these kids that your gender doesn’t have to determine what you like? Or would I just be setting my son up to be bullied by causing him to be singled out? When it comes to issues like this, does the teacher have any sway, or are they always fighting a losing battle against parental influence?