I’m Tired of My Nice Neighborhood Being Abused on Halloween. But I Have a Plan.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My cul-de-sac is in one of the “good” Halloween neighborhoods and usually goes all-out every year, but during the pandemic a lot of my closest neighbors were hit hard—medically or financially or emotionally—so many now choose not to personally hand out candy, but leave bowls out with a “take a few” sign. This past year, several greedy brats decided to empty all the bowls and later trick-or-treaters tossed garbage bins in the streets, smashed pumpkins, tore down decorations, and smashed the window of a car. There was Ring footage, but the cops told us not to hold our breath about finding the perpetrators. I posted on our local social media that we should stop having Halloween and instead move our local celebration to a different day so the families that actually live here can celebrate in peace—either a trunk-or-treat at the local park or a Halloween block party. I got a lot of positive feedback and several naysayers accusing me of being a classist bigot (which is hilarious since my wife and I are not white). My wife thinks I should back off from the idea, but I would rather spearhead it. The neighbor who had her car window broken is a widow on an oxygen tank. She was left in tears after seeing the destruction. I am tired of this shit. Thoughts?

—Halloween Hell

Dear Halloween Hell,

Sorry, but I don’t think you’re going to succeed in getting your whole neighborhood to observe Halloween on a different day. I’d expect many people, especially kids, to want to celebrate when their friends and families do. Anyway, what are you going to do? You haven’t been able to convince everyone yet, and you can’t force them to go along. If it’s really important to you, start with a trunk-or-treat or block party on a different day and see who shows up; maybe you can start a new tradition—but let everyone else go trick-or-treating on Actual Halloween. (That’s what people who want to will do anyway.)

I hear that you don’t want your neighborhood torn up on Halloween. Unfortunately, some people are jackasses—your neighborhood isn’t alone in having smashed pumpkins or overturned bins. If you know for sure who was responsible, a group of neighbors could try talking to their parents. You also could have helped your neighbor whose car window was smashed in, or offered to assist other neighbors in cleaning up smashed pumpkins. I think those are probably better and more effective ways to help your neighbors than trying to move an entire holiday.

Submit your questions to Care and Feeding here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)

Dear Care Feeding,

My son is in 8th grade, and he’s failing. The school tells me he’s unlikely to graduate and I should expect him to repeat 8th grade.

My husband—my son’s dad—was very sick for years and died at home two years ago. My son has always been an anxious person and a person of few words, but after his dad died, he began to struggle in other ways, including fear of losing me, inability to express emotions, and serious decline in academic performance. He was recently evaluated by a psychologist, who ruled out learning disabilities and neurological issues but diagnosed depression. Not a surprise. I’m trying to get an appointment with a psychiatrist or psychiatric practitioner (it’s really hard—a lot don’t take insurance, and wait lists here are months long) to see whether medication is the right path. And I really hope it is because nearly two years of therapy hasn’t helped.

My poor kid—he can barely get out of bed, much less find the motivation to work hard to improve his grades. He tells me he wants to do better and graduate so he can go into high school with his friends, and I believe him; but he can’t seem to engage with his school work. The school won’t make any accommodations without the proper paperwork, but I’ve learned I can’t get that before the end of the school year. I’ve looked into switching schools in the hope he might be able to pass, but for several reasons, including different curricula and lack of transportation to get to the other school (farther away, no car), I can’t see that working out.

I’ve been trying to help my son get his work done each day—not perfection, not even close, but enough to pass. But I’m doing a really lousy job at that. I work an extremely stressful job and have late hours. I get home late, exhausted, and tense. I try to help my son by checking his work to see if it’s at least mostly complete, but it never is. So I sit with him and try to help him keep focused—but tense, tired mom, depressed kid, a second kid that I can’t totally ignore, dinner to eat and clean up—we’re going at the schoolwork til midnight, and it’s a cycle of ever worsening exhaustion and despair. He’s home for nearly five hours before I get home from work, so he has time for his school work; but because he doesn’t do it but rather sleeps for five hours (which I understand, I’d pay all the money I have for some sleep), he’s just starting his school work after 9:30 p.m. And I try, I try so hard to be loving and patient but I fail a lot; there’s a lot of swearing (to blow off steam, not at my kid) and rushing to get everything done.

What should I do? I might be able to help him squeak by to graduate if I ratchet up the evening school work even more—and he wants so badly to go to high school with his friends. But there’s no guarantee he’ll pass. And the stress and misery of trying to get the work done every night can’t possibly be good for him! Do I just let him fail? I don’t think we’ll be able to get an appointment and (hopefully) start medication until the school year’s over, so I can’t count on that. What would you do? Try harder or let it go? I want to do the least possible harm, but I don’t know how.

—I Don’t Know What to Do

Dear What to Do,

This is all so much, and I know you’re doing your best. It’s true that it might not be enough to help your son avoid being held back. But you aren’t failing and you aren’t letting him fail; you are both doing what you can.

I’m sorry two years of therapy hasn’t helped. It’s often hard to find the right therapist for an adolescent. Maybe it’s worth thinking about whether another therapist would be a better fit? As far as medication goes, I am not a doctor, but pediatricians can and often do prescribe medication to teens for anxiety and/or depression. Medication will not be a magic solution, but if you feel it’s important to try it and you don’t want to wait, you can have a conversation with your pediatrician while still keeping your spot on the waitlist for the pediatric psychiatrist.

As for the school: Even without an Individualized Education Plan or 504 in place, you have a psychologist’s diagnosis of depression that is impacting your son’s ability to learn. His psychologist can write a letter to his school, if they haven’t already, detailing how your son’s diagnosis affects him there. While you wait for the formal evaluation, consider whether reaching out to your son’s teachers to explain his diagnosis and challenges could lead to some collaboration and problem-solving in the meantime—individual teachers might be willing to work with him, as they should work with and support any student who is struggling. For example, some of them might offer flexibility, occasional extensions, etc. They should already be available to him at school if he needs help understanding something. You can get the school counselor involved if you think it might help. While I know it may be cost-prohibitive, you may also want to think about talking with an educational consultant or lawyer so you’re clear on your son’s rights and what the school system needs to do in order to support him.

The most important thing is that your son is safe and as okay as he can be. This is far more important than his grades. But at his age, how he feels about himself is connected to his relationships with peers, and both could take a hit if he’s held back and separated from them. He’s also told you he really wants to graduate on time and move onto high school with his friends. At his age, he has a right to be involved in his own educational advocacy, hear all the facts about his school situation, and express what he wants. From what the school has told you, it might not be possible for him to graduate this year. But if the school lays out what he would need to do to graduate and it does seem possible, then I think the next step could be discussing that with your son in more detail. He needs to know exactly what would be required of him in order to decide whether he wants to try. I’m not suggesting you surrender the entire decision to him; if you really fear that pushing to graduate on time would put his life or health in jeopardy, for example, don’t do it. His safety is non-negotiable. But on everything else, I think you can try to meet him where he is.

If it’s possible for him to squeak through and graduate, and he’s sure that he wants to make that a priority, then it would be fair for both of you to work toward that goal—at least on a trial basis. You could talk very frankly with him about how hard it’s going to be and what he would need to do, like start schoolwork before you get home from work, at least some of the time. It might mean asking a family member or friend to step in and help after school some days, or getting him a tutor. Maybe staying after school a couple days a week to work with teachers could help. I don’t know what’s possible, but if he understands all that he would need to do and still wants to try to graduate, get as much support in place as you can and see how he does with the workload for a month or so. Again, if you ever feel that it’s putting him in danger, you can stop and reevaluate.

You know your son better than anyone else. You know his strengths as well as his struggles, the whole person he is. Tell him that you love him and know how hard he’s trying. Praise him when he completes a tough project or improves one of his grades. Thank him for doing his work (sounds silly, but it might actually matter). Affirm him and build him up as much as you can. Make sure he knows you believe in and support him. It won’t feel like enough, but it really is important.

· Missed earlier columns this week? Read them here.
· Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group!

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’ve recently experienced symptoms of “Baby Fever”: My SIL had a beautiful baby last fall, and my husband (32 M) and I (29F) have been lucky enough to spend time with him, which has caused me to experience a lot of new emotions and feelings toward starting a family of our own. Many friends and coworkers have also had babies, which has planted the seed of “this could be us…” in my own mind.

I’ve largely been a proponent of waiting and have been pretty vocal about not rushing into things (we’ve been married for a year but together for six). But now I find myself thinking about pregnancy and having children quite often. Because my husband is a couple years older, he’s voiced not wanting to wait too long, but is otherwise OK with the pace of things, and any discussions we’ve had circle back to the following (biological urges aside): My husband and I are both in critical stages for our careers and want to do some traveling together and enjoy our “married” life, plus we are still finishing some minor renovations to our home. I would also like to have more money saved before we have kids.

So, how do I quell these urges until the right time comes about? I know that no one’s fertility is guaranteed, so I don’t want to put too much emphasis on this aspect of our lives if our path to parenthood turns out differently than expected. How do I plan for this big life decision while making space for other important milestones in our lives? I know time passes quickly, so what can I do to prepare over the next couple years without quietly obsessing? I want to live in the moment without feeling impatient for things to come, and I don’t want to wish this special time in my life away.

—Baby Fever

Dear Baby Fever,

I don’t think that you wanting to have a baby—and feeling very conscious of that wish right now, before you’d planned to start a family—is a bad thing, nor does it mean you aren’t enjoying this kid-free period with your husband or your travels together. If you’re happy with your husband and your life together, and you think you’ll be happy becoming a parent at some future time, those are two good things. Wanting one thing and enjoying another thing are not inherently oppositional ideas; you aren’t “wishing away” what you have right now.

It sounds like you and your husband have some fine reasons to wait. I don’t think going ahead if you wanted to have a baby sooner would be wrong; you’re allowed to change your mind and change your plans, and there is of course no foolproof plan or perfect time to have a kid (though I grant you there are plenty of times that may be worse). If you want to wait for all those practical reasons you mentioned but still feel a touch of baby fever now and then, try not to waste your energy fighting it—you don’t need to make those feelings or urges disappear. There’s nothing wrong with wanting something and knowing that you want it, and it would probably be more complicated down the line if you didn’t actively want kids all along.

You could perhaps take the longing you feel right now as a kind of affirmation: this is something you’re fairly sure about. And you are enjoying this time, right now, with your husband, without the pressures of responsibilities of parenthood. These aren’t contradictory truths—so let yourself feel both ways, know both things, at the same time.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 2-year-old is still happily in his crib at home, but is on the verge of growing out of his pack ’n play. We have some travel coming up and I am at a loss about what to do sleep arrangement-wise. I really don’t think he will be comfortable in the pack ’n play, but want him to feel safe like he does at home. What’s typical in this in-between phase?

—Unsure

Dear Unsure,

If you really want him to sleep in a real crib, ask the hotel or rental—sometimes they do have a real crib with bars (as opposed to a pack ’n play) available. I remember we actually rented a crib for vacation lodgings once or twice. Your son is pretty big for a crib, so I imagine he’ll soon be transitioning to a toddler bed or twin bed anyway. Once he’s used to sleeping free-range, you’ll have the option of having him sleep in either a bed or rollaway cot when you go on vacation.

—Nicole

I am a first-time mom. I have had boundary issues in the past with my parents, mainly my mom, and I’m finding I need to deal with them now in a new way now that I have children.
The day before Mother’s Day, my parents gave me some flowers and a card, but instead of signing the card themselves, they signed it from my daughter. I let it slide, miffed that they had, in my mind, stolen what was to me my husband’s job of giving me my first card from my daughter. But it happened again for Father’s Day. Two days before Father’s Day, they left my husband a card in our mailbox, that was signed by them as if it was from our daughter.