I Let My Daughter Spend the Weekend at a Friend’s Lake House. When She Returned, I Knew Something Went Terribly Wrong.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 12-year-old daughter “Jenny” has been friends with her classmate “Caroline” since the 1st grade. We’ve had countless play dates and sleepovers through the years, and my husband and I have always been friendly with Caroline’s parents, “Amy” and “David.” This past weekend, while Amy was out of town, David invited Jenny to come with him, Caroline, and his other two children (ages 9 and 6) for an overnight at their lake house, about 90 minutes from the city where we live.

Communication with David was frustrating while they were gone; he didn’t let us know when they had arrived, then when prompted (“Checking you guys made it safely”) sent us some kind of irrelevant videos of his other children playing (but I could see Jenny in the background). It was clear they made it, and I didn’t worry. The next morning, David called to ask if Jenny could come home later than planned, which we agreed to, then he didn’t communicate about their journey home, didn’t respond to texts when we asked about timing, and arrived a couple of hours after he had targeted. All of this could be chalked up to a harried parent taking four kids to the lake solo. Even then, I wasn’t especially concerned.

But when he finally dropped Jenny off that night, things were obviously off. David acted oddly and Caroline got out of the car but then wouldn’t look at us or say goodbye to Jenny. David hovered near our front door for too long. The vibe was strange. After we came inside my husband whispered, “Was he…on something?” In the debrief, Jenny reported two troubling incidents. The first was that at 1 a.m., all the kids were still awake but David had been asleep on the sofa for hours. The older kids woke him up to tell him that the 6-year-old was still awake, and David managed to corral everyone into bed. Then, on the drive back, Jenny described that David had pulled over at a restaurant on the side of the highway and sent the four kids into the restaurant alone while he slept in the car.

The next day, I received a text from Amy, who was back in town, letting me know that David would be seeking inpatient treatment for alcohol abuse, and that this was a relapse after six years sober. Her text was offered in the spirit of helping Jenny support Caroline in the months ahead while her dad is at rehab. Amy did not acknowledge that my daughter had been with David most of the weekend—I don’t even know if Amy is aware of that.

I’m sad for David and Amy and their kids, and I’m glad David is getting treatment. I will do what I can to support Caroline. But I also need to support Jenny, and I really want to know what happened at the lake house. Exactly how was my child put at risk (besides being sent unchaperoned into a restaurant on the side of an interstate)? Was David driving under the influence while my child was in the car? Was he pass-out drunk at 1 a.m. with no other adult supervision? I’m uncertain if it is appropriate for me to ask about those details, or if it would make any difference if I knew them. On the one hand, my child is home safe now and I can move forward knowing what I know. On the other hand, I feel like I need the details so I can support Jenny—I’d like to be specific with her about what’s OK and what isn’t. As it stands, Jenny seems oblivious to what might have been underlying David’s behavior. In a time of crisis for this family, is it crazy for me to seek details?

—Important or Inconsiderate?

Dear Important,

I’m so sorry for everyone in this situation. If you were just being curious, I would waive you off the idea with giant red flags. But in your case, your child was potentially in a dangerous situation, and even though it worked out OK, I think you have a right to know more about what happened. Yes, there is a possibility that asking about it will be hard on Amy; she is probably juggling a lot, emotionally and logistically. But she’s gone through this once before, and she’s probably on her own fact-finding mission, asking David the same questions you’d be asking her. Both of those circumstances suggest that your conversation wouldn’t necessarily be catastrophic. You also mention that you’re unsure if Amy knows that David took the kids on a weekend trip. I hope she does, but if not, she needs to. Addiction thrives in secrecy, so you aren’t doing anyone any favors by keeping that to yourself.

Reach out to Amy and acknowledge that she has a lot going on, but mention that in light of this news and what you observed from David, you have some questions about the weekend. Let her know that you are ready to support their whole family (including David) and that this isn’t a “gotcha” situation; you just want to know more about what Jenny experienced for your own peace of mind and to think about how you help her and Caroline. As you alluded, it’s also helpful to know how public Amy and David plan to be about David’s whereabouts and alcoholism, so that you (and Jenny) don’t say something out-of-bounds.

Give Amy grace though; she may not have all the answers right now, and the answers may change as she and David go through his treatment. Figure out what you most need to know and let the rest come at Amy’s pace.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife is very worried about our daughter starting kindergarten next year. She will be 6, starting a year late because of medical issues and frequent hospitalizations that occurred over the summer, autumn, and winter (the school thought it best that she experience kindergarten properly). Our daughter is very shy and takes a while to warm up to new people, but once she does she gets very attached to them. She is still in touch with the friends she made at preschool, at least one of whom will be at school with her (albeit in the grade above her). My wife was similarly worried about our daughter starting preschool because she was the smallest kid in school and she was the only one who wore glasses. But still, how can we help our daughter? I’m finding myself having to balance my wife’s anxieties with the very real fear that she may not fit in at school.

—Kindergarten Concerns

Dear Concerns,

Kindergarten is a really new experience for a lot of kiddos. Many will enter the school year only knowing a handful or fewer kids. Some will end the year with a bestie or two, and some will have ping-ponged around socially, not getting fully attached to anyone. Both options, and anything in between, is to be expected.

I can think of two ideas for how you can help your daughter. One is to talk to the teacher about your daughter’s shyness. If your school has an orientation, that is a great time for that conversation. Otherwise, you can request a meeting in the first month or so of the school year. The teacher can be on the lookout to make sure your daughter is properly socializing and getting to know the kids (that may already be on their agenda, anyway).

The second idea is to make it your mission to get to know some of the other parents. This could look a few different ways—joining the PTO, chatting up parents at drop off if you’re a walking school, or organizing group meet-ups at a park once you get the school directory. At my kid’s school, a parent took it upon themselves to organize a weekly playground meet-up for the weeks before school started so that the parents and kids could start getting familiar with each other (I think she put a call out on the neighborhood Facebook group to generate the initial list of parents). These are great opportunities to get a feel for both the kids and the parents, which could come in handy if you need to do more direct match-making for your daughter later on.

No matter what you do, remind your wife that we all make friends at different paces in different ways. The more she can keep her concerns at bay, the less pressure will drift onto your daughter. More than likely, your daughter will find her groove, even if it takes a moment.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband’s family has a text group that they insist everyone must be a part of and the messages are incessant. It’s mostly the older generation (my husband’s retired parents, aunt, two uncles, all their spouses) who text constantly and less so us (my husband, me, and his two cousins and their spouses), who mostly just react to messages. I once felt this was generally harmless because the texts are mostly holiday greetings, birthday messages, vacation photos, etc. but I’ve recently come to realize how irritating and fake the group chat is. There is constant pressure to respond, whether with comments, gifs, or emojis every day. It doesn’t feel like genuine interaction and feels very forced. I participate once every couple of weeks so that I don’t seem anti-social but I’m honestly just sick of it. The messages feel superficial and forced and often I feel like they are just one-upping each other and saying one thing in the group chat but then saying something else behind each other’s backs. I have already muted this chat on my phone but I feel anxious every time I look and see 20 to 40 missed messages a day. I mostly ignore it but it causes me stress because I know my lack of response is being perceived as a lack of interest in the family.

The problem is the last time one of the cousins opted out, he was chastised as an uncaring family member and guilted into returning to the chat. It feels like no one can be free from this chat! My mother-in-law is particularly judgmental and thinks participating in a group chat is the bar from which to measure your family loyalty and engagement. It’s absurd, in my opinion, but I don’t want to draw her ire. If I leave, I think she will make unwanted comments to my husband and campaign to force me to rejoin. He doesn’t enjoy the group chat either but he is resigned to it. He will defend my decision but I feel bad about making it more difficult for him since it’s his family and his mother, in particular, who is difficult and needy. How can I exit this group chat permanently without upsetting everyone?

—Unsubscribe, Please!

Dear Unsubscribe,

Clearly, you cannot exit the group chat without upsetting folks! That doesn’t mean you have to stay in it, but you have to abandon the hope of skipping out scot-free. As they say, you cannot control how others react, you can only control your actions.

I’m no fan of compulsory family activities that are surface-deep, so I agree that the chat sounds pretty annoying. But is leaving it worth the ire you’ll get to your face and behind your back—not to mention the blow-back that will hit your husband? To me, that seems like the far worse option. Plus, if you and your husband decide to have kids or have other milestones you want to share with the family, it could actually be convenient to have a central place where you can share your own updates rather than remembering to hit up each family member (and braving a different kind of ire if you accidentally leave someone out). If I were in your position, I’d keep the chat muted, check it once a week alongside your favorite comfort food or guilty-pleasure TV show, and let the rest of it go. If anyone asks about your sporadic involvement, just say that the chat is a lot to keep up on so you only check it periodically. No more, no less.

If you decide to leave, you don’t owe anyone any explanation beyond, “I love getting the updates, but the number of messages was super overwhelming to me. David is giving me all the important highlights, though!” You’ll just have to be strong and wait out the months before everyone’s outrage turns to grumbles, and finally to resignation.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I (29F) have two siblings, “Lucas” (31) and “Amy” (15). Lucas and I have the same parents, but we were raised by our stepfather/Amy’s biological father, “David.” David wants grandchildren, specifically from Amy, as she is David’s only biological child. Lucas and I are both straight (he’s married and I’m dating) but the pressure for grandchildren is on Amy. He favors Amy and wants more from her, for obvious reasons. I assume that our mother would be happy to get grandchildren from any of her kids. Ironically, Amy is a lesbian and not planning to have kids (this could change but she’s currently adamant about it).

I’ve discussed this dilemma with Amy previously, and she’s against coming out, as our parents and extended family are homophobic. She wants to wait the issue out and get a fake boyfriend or two in college, but I’m worried for her when the pressure increases. If she does come out, any tips to navigate family relations? What are some ways she can handle this without coming out? (Our parents are terrible at taking no for an answer, which concerns me more.)

—Straight Sister

Dear Sister,

I don’t know that the reasons for favoring Amy (and overvaluing her gametes) are necessarily “obvious,” since it sounds like David raised you all, presumably from a young or young-ish age. It’s also overbearing at best and creepy at worst that Amy is getting this message while she is still just a teenager; adolescence is hard enough without that extra pressure. But I’ll let those points go.

It’s tragic that Amy isn’t able to be herself with her parents and extended family, and I sincerely hope that one day this will change. But I do not see that her sexuality needs to enter this dilemma, at all. She just needs to be adamant that she isn’t interested in being a parent. Period. Yes, she’s going to hear the tired, “When you meet the right man, you may change your mind” or the equally tired, “Just wait until you hit 30, you’ll get baby fever!” But this is obnoxious for any woman, gay or straight. Encourage Amy to stand firm, and tell David to get over it. She doesn’t owe anyone any other explanation, and you and Lucas need to back her up whenever it’s mentioned, whether it’s in her presence or not.

I also just have to get on my soapbox here and say that this kind of conversation and pressure is really unhelpful—even harmful—for all kinds of women. Those who don’t want kids, those who can’t have kids but want them, those for whom the pressure or desire to have kids makes them feel desperate to find partners…the list goes on. Just let women be, and support them in both their choices and their privacy. Feel free to use this rant with your stepdad the next time he starts on his grandkid campaign.

—Allison

My 5-year-old son is a terror at school. Not your run-of-the-mill disruptive, obstinate student but an aggressive, violent, defiant little terror that is currently about to start his third kindergarten class. There is something about a classroom and learning that makes him act like he’s possessed by a demon.