Invitations, appropriate gifts and other etiquette advise in time for graduations

Q. A lot of our family lives in other states. I can’t say that we see all the aunts and uncles and cousins on a regular basis, but it does seem that when there is a graduation or a wedding, we get an invitation.

So our daughter is going to be graduating from high school. She made a list of who to invite, but only a few of the out-of-state family is on her list.

When we reminded her we had been invited to a lot of the graduation ceremonies for our out-of-state family, she said since she didn’t know or “remember them,” she didn’t think it was right to invite them to her graduation ceremony.

We are trying to convince her they should be invited because she may not know them or remember them, but we do.

She feels they will think the reason they are being invited is so they can give her something. We, however, know that our brothers and sisters would, on the contrary, enjoy being invited and would probably come, stay in a hotel since it is definitely a reason for coming.

What’s your opinion?

A. It does seem to be a common practice to invite family members who live in, and those who do not live in the graduate’s immediate area, because as you say, it is a way of somehow staying in touch.

It’s the old adage of: invite them, they may not come, but at least they knew they were included.

You will feel good knowing you have invited them and if they choose to come, they come. At least they will know they weren’t excluded.

From an etiquette perspective, there is certainly nothing wrong with inviting extended family who do not live in the graduate’s immediate area.

As to what they might think after receiving the invitation, we cannot control what other people might think and we would be wasting a lot of our brain power trying.

Q. Our high school is not a big one and our graduation ceremony is usually scheduled for inside the gym because the weather has a mind of its own.

Along with that, however, is the fact that seating is limited and graduates cannot invite more than four people to their graduation ceremony.

Herein lies the problem for us since both sets of grandparents are still alive and we have two other teenage children. Is there any kind of protocol rule on who has priority to fill the other two seats?

A. Unfortunately, or fortunately, there is no set protocol rule on who should be invited to fill the other two seats because there are so many different family scenarios.

In your case, your first choice might logically be your other two children, and this is without knowing the health of the grandparents because there are times when that becomes an issue with climbing steps, and possibly sitting in bleachers for a long time.

Furthermore, both sets of grandparents are normally invited to an after-graduation party, whether it is immediately after the ceremony or on another day and no doubt iPhone photos could be shared and graduation programs.

Q. Our son’s high school graduation is going to be in the evening and it will probably be too late to have a graduation party after the ceremony. We naturally are limited to the number of guests we can invite.

So, my question is, we can still invite family like aunts and uncles to a graduation party even though we can’t invite them to the graduation ceremony, correct?

A. Yes, definitely, and believe it or not, most of society understands that a lot of high schools do not have the capacity to allow each graduate to invite as many family and friends as they would like.

Q. Is it proper for a graduate to tell you what he wants for a graduation gift?

A. No, it is not proper. As an invited guest, you could ask him what he might like to have as a graduation gift (watch out for the “New Mercedes convertible” response – just kidding), or you could ask his parents if they know of something he needs.