Help! I Rescued a Man Who Fell Off a Cliff. I Never Imagined It Would Change My Life In This Way.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

While trail running in a remote part of a national park a few years ago, I came across a man who fell off a cliff and sustained multiple serious injuries. I ended up coordinating a helicopter rescue and took care of him all day, while he was in incredible distress until he was airlifted out. He survived but does not have the life he once had. I worked with my therapist and have found healing. I resumed my outdoor activities, the sound of a helicopter doesn’t send me into a panic attack anymore, and life is great. My husband has been very supportive throughout the journey. (I am a woman in my 30s, if this helps with the picture.)

BUT, one thing that changed completely for me since the accident is my taste in TV shows and movies. My husband and I used to love watching shows like The Walking Dead, Dexter, Game of Thrones, etc. We also watched adventure movies, comic book movies, and thrillers. But now, I cannot watch anything that even has a bit of blood, gore, violence, or suffering. I even have a hard time watching animal shows if it involves animals hunting other animals. The Joker? Forget it! Something really flipped for me in which I can’t tolerate that sort of thing for entertainment anymore. I tried for a while, and it’s not like I have a panic attack or anything, but it’s definitely a hard no. To be clear, I can handle blood or emergency situations just fine in real life. For example, I helped my parents through major surgeries and could look at incision sights without issue. I had to get stitches after falling, and I handled it well.

My husband is supportive of my narrowed genres. We have a profile on Netflix of just standup comedy, dramas, documentaries, and comedies from which we choose when we watch together. But he does mention that he has to watch shows by himself to get his “fix.” He sometimes carves out time during the weekend or when I am working to watch his shows. We both joke that I am now a “baby” when it comes to couch and Netflix time. I do sense his frustration when we are trying to find something to watch together, even though he is really sweet about it. I truly don’t feel like I am missing out, but should I try to work on exposure therapy to enjoy this type of entertainment again? Am I doing my husband a disservice by ending our pastime of watching these shows and movies together? It feels silly to ask because it is just Netflix, and we only watch movies and shows a few days a week. But, to be honest, I can’t help but feel guilty.

—Netflix for Babies

Dear Netflix for Babies,

Whew, what a relief. When I started reading this letter, I definitely thought you were going to tell me you were in love with the man whose life you saved. By comparison, having less than complete Netflix queue compatibility is a non-issue. The trail-running incident is clouding some much-needed perspective. Your situation mirrors that of many couples who have no history of trauma. One partner might love a classic horror movie marathon while the other simply can’t watch. Similar mismatches in taste have yielded many battles over TV remotes.

The good news: It sounds like you have plenty of stuff to watch together. It’s fine for your husband to watch some of the more violent content when you’re not around and there’s no need to force yourself to enjoy shows that upset you. That said, your ongoing discomfort with certain content could be an indication that you aren’t quite as healed as you think you are, so stick with therapy.

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I have been together for almost 17 years, we met and started dating in high school. He took a promotion earlier this year that came with a lot more responsibility, more than he was anticipating I think. About eight weeks ago, I noticed he was a little more withdrawn, more tired, etc. As someone who battled postpartum, and runs on a higher anxiety frequency than most, I wondered about depression. About five weeks ago, we hit a boiling point, communication stopped almost completely, and intimacy stopped (we have ALWAYS been intimate four to six times per week). It felt like whiplash and so sudden. I asked him point blank if he was having an affair. He denied it, but mentioned how he felt empty about everything right now. I suggested a doctor’s visit, but he didn’t want to do that.

I just found out last week that around that same time, he began engaging in inappropriate communication with a lady at work, including several kisses. Obviously, my world ended when I found out. Neither of us slept that night, and not much sleep since to be honest. He told me he wants to stay and work on our marriage, and I believe him. But he also told me he still doesn’t feel anything. I’m in no way making excuses for poor choices, but I do think he is dealing with some untreated depression and that may have been a catalyst for something so incredibly out of character. He still isn’t interested in therapy or talking to anyone—myself, friends, or a doctor. I LOVE this man. We have the family we’ve been dreaming and praying for. I want to give this a fair shot, but I feel like we can’t do that until he’s able to shake whatever is going on with him. Is there a way I can gently encourage him to see a doctor or to enter therapy? I can’t imagine my life without him, and at the end of the day, I just want him to be happy. He deserves that, as appalling as it sounds he is a GOOD man. I feel like I’m living in some crazy alternative universe right now. The man I built my life with would NEVER do something like this, but I don’t know how to help him fight back.

—Miserable in the Multiverse

Dear Miserable in the Multiverse,

I’m so sorry you’re in this position, but wow, I hate it when the person who’s been cheated on somehow becomes the one doing all the thinking and strategizing about how to fix their partner and the relationship. It’s not fair. Also, dragging your husband to get help is unlikely to get you the results you want. I completely understand that you love him and see all his best qualities and don’t want a divorce (who does?) so I won’t push you to leave. My advice is to try your very best to do… nothing.

Don’t try to convince him that he still has feelings for you. Don’t try to make a therapy appointment for him. Don’t beg him to behave like the good man you believe he is. Don’t change your personality, your appearance, or your beliefs about infidelity in an attempt to hold onto him. He said he wants to work on the marriage, so sit back and see what that looks like. You can even give it a year, if you think he needs time to snap out of this state of mind or get a less stressful job. You’re either going to see that he’s a good man who is going through a hard time but has the capacity to be a better husband, or you’re going to see that he’s a good man who is going through a hard time and cannot hold up his end of the deal. If it’s the latter, it’s going to be painful to accept. But you can take all the energy and enthusiasm you were prepared to use to help him and redirect it to help yourself get through this.

Are you struggling with your sense of worth or self image? Are you—or a loved one—dealing with the fall-out of addiction, or recovery? Have you even realized that YOU are the asshole? Slate is starting a new advice column, called Ask A.J., and we want your questions. Submit them here.

Dear Prudence,

My mother recently found a ring in my room that was very sentimental to me. She asked me where it came from. It had been given to me by a “friend” who was actually interested in me romantically. I did not tell her who it was, and will not do so here. I was going to wear the ring today, and started looking for it. I searched my room and couldn’t find it, which led me to conclude that she might have thrown it out. How should I confront her, or should I just let it slide? (The ring was not at all expensive but was very important to me.)

—Ring Go Brrrr

Dear Ring,

I have so many questions! Why is “friend” in scare quotes? Did you return their interest? If not, why did you accept the ring? Did your mom forbid you from being romantically involved with this person? How old are you? Nonetheless, it sounds like there’s not a lot of trust between the two of you, and you believe she’s capable of some pretty invasive and hurtful behavior. If you don’t think it will set her off in some way that will make living under her roof difficult, say, “Hey Mom, remember the ring we talked about the other day? I can’t find it. Have you seen it?” Unfortunately, I’m pretty certain she’ll say she has absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.

In the future, consider finding a safe place outside the home (like a box under the bed at a good friend’s house) to keep items you’d rather she didn’t know about. And use this incident as motivation to start slowly thinking about when and how you might be able to move out and surround yourself with people with whom you can safely be honest about your friendships/relationships, and everything else going on in your life.

Dear Prudence,

I was having lunch with a gal pal, reminiscing about some old times, when we began to chat about a friend group we’d both lost touch with over the pandemic. The disconnect was deliberate for me: They felt like it was a great time to score some low-cost vacations and no lines at the local restaurants and I…didn’t. This meant turning down multiple invitations over two years until they finally stopped asking. My friend, very seriously, said, “Oh, well you’re better off. The way they talked about you was just awful,” before she clammed up and wouldn’t divulge another word. Part of me says I shouldn’t care, and the other part is just at a loss to think that I’d been wholly unaware! I’ve tried to pry it out of my friend but she’s not budging (I think maybe because she’s still connected to a few of them). Any tips on reframing this for my own peace of mind?

—I’m Better Off

Dear Better Off,

All of us have people who don’t like us. And all of us have been talked about negatively behind our backs. But it’s absolutely unbearable to think about, isn’t it? Just absolute torture. I’m sorry your “friend” (scare quotes because what she did was not at all friendly) shared this totally unnecessary information with you.

I suppose the way to reframe it is to remember that you did indeed have a pretty big disagreement with these people about how to behave during the pandemic— one that reflected deeper values and priorities. And while you probably found their “gotta get back to normal life” choices upsetting, my guess is that they felt judged and even attacked by your more cautious approach. It’s a fair guess that their remarks about you probably originated with their own defensiveness. Maybe they called you paranoid, scared, neurotic, or a bore. But are those the worst things to be called by people who you thought were irresponsible and selfish? Putting aside the debate about proper pandemic protocols, it’s worth considering that people who turned out to be so different from you are not people whose approval you need or want. As uncomfortable as it was to learn that they were disparaging you, maybe the pandemic—and your “friend”—did you a favor by clarifying an incompatibility that could have otherwise gone unnoticed.

My mother married and had me while she was in high school. She is the bravest woman I know, and she raised my brother and me by herself, put herself through college, and has finally married the love of her life after divorcing my alcoholic father and waste-of-space stepfather. Recently, she discovered she was pregnant again at 41. I am 23 and three months pregnant with my first child.