Help! My Relatives Always Ask When We’ll Start “Popping Out Babies.” My Boyfriend’s Reply Is Too Much.

It’s Advice Week! In On Second Thought, we’ll revisit questions from the archives and dig into how much has changed since Slate began giving advice in 1997—and how much hasn’t. Read all stories here.

Today’s columnist is author Heather Havrilesky, well known for her popular advice column Ask Polly. She created the column for The Awl in 2012, later taking it to New York magazine’s The Cut in 2014. These days you can find Ask Polly over on Substack alongside her second column, Ask Molly. Havrilesky is also the author of four books including a collection of Ask Polly columns, How to Be a Person in the World, and her latest, Foreverland.

We asked Havrilesky to weigh in on snarky remarks, excluding mom friends, and a friendly affair:

Dear Prudence,

My boyfriend and I are very much in agreement that we have no interest in getting married or having children. Many of our relatives, including my parents, seem to have a problem with this and there is always a running commentary at family events like Christmas. The problem arises when my boyfriend, a sweet but blunt man, shoots people down in no uncertain terms. For instance, when sweet Aunt Petunia asks, “When are you two going to stop this nonsense, get hitched, and start popping out babies?”, he is likely to reply, “Nine months and a day after you learn not to ask impertinent questions you already know the answer to, give or take a lifetime.” He says the questions are the problem, I say he needs to dial back the snap. Who’s right?

—Stop It

Dear Stop It,

When I was 32, I made t-shirts that said “Childless Whore” on them and I sold them on the internet. Considering this fact, you might not be surprised to learn that I love your boyfriend’s blunt talk, and I think Aunt Petunia needs to hear it.

I mean what’s the harm of being direct, even if it’s a tiny bit more aggressive than one might prefer? Is Aunt Petunia really that fragile? These relatives are talking about your lives. Why should they suffer under the illusion that it’s absolutely normal to pressure other people to live the way that they live?

And look, I’m not saying I don’t empathize with Aunt Petunia. I seriously love having kids and I absolutely understand why people are so passionate about childbearing as a lifestyle. I would even go so far as to say there is a pure and loving energy behind these types of questions that can be hard to detect when you aren’t actively missing the feeling of having tiny children running around underfoot. (Yes, even when it’s prefaced with, “When are you going to stop this nonsense?” lol. I mean THAT is rude!)

Some people just don’t know how to act. The clearer your boyfriend is with your relatives, the less often you’ll be subjected to their annoying comments. If this were about your boyfriend saying blunt things about Aunt Petunia’s lifestyle of choice, it would be a whole different ball game. But it was Petunia who busted into your personal business, so Petunia is going to get told.

Just one more thing. Consider setting up a secret camera to get some footage of your boyfriend administering verbal smackdowns, because you’re sitting on a goldmine of quality content here.

Dear Prudence,

I have a question that is the same issue in two situations: How do you (or can you) do things with just the people you want when you want to do them?

Example one: I am blessed with a big group of moms in my daughter’s grade who want to do things socially, but some of these moms are people I enjoy spending more time with than others. I’ll add for emphasis that a very small minority really stress me out and sometimes, no matter what, you end up seated next to the one(s) you had hoped to avoid on your precious night out. I feel bad even complaining. I used to wish for mom friends. But now it feels like a movie where I made a wish for mom friends and they just keep coming. Every time we try and plan something it gets so big. If we try and plan something small for just a few, it gets overwhelming because no one wants to hurt anyone’s feelings and we often say forget it and give up.

Example two: My in-laws live in town and my husband’s brother and family live four hours away. My mother-in-law seems very jealous if my sister-in-law and I ever interact directly without her being included going all the way back to the very beginning (I could provide over a decade of evidence) so we have always had to pretend like we barely talk to keep her happy, but we actually talk pretty often. We would love to meet halfway with the kids sometimes for a day without having to always (or if I’m being brutally honest—EVER) include her but we worry she’ll find out we made plans without her so we just don’t. Once we made separate vacation plans in the same area about halfway and pretended it was a coincidence and then met up. Ridiculous, I know.

So the question is, can this be done? Is it OK to leave people out? Can I say so sad, too bad? I feel like as kids we are always being told not to leave anyone out—or to do so discreetly like you can’t pass out birthday invites at school if you aren’t inviting everyone—but what are the rules for adults? Am I being overly considerate and I should just get over it? Am I ungrateful for what I have? Should I just sit by the annoying mom and make small talk?  Am I downright petty? Don’t people have a right to spend time with just the people they enjoy? Life is only getting shorter, right?

—Invite Only

Dear Invite Only,

I guess technically life gets shorter and shorter, but it’s best not to think of it that way if you don’t want to feel increasingly panicked until you’re dead. Likewise, it’s best not to believe that the more people you meet, the more people you’re obligated to include, please, placate, and lie to around the clock.

That said, the only thing trickier than mother-in-laws is mom friends. So congratulations, you’ve discovered the most taxing and impossible corners of the social universe!

With the mom friends, almost everything you do will cause trouble. I say this from experience. You simply cannot keep everyone happy. Mom groups are like dog parks. Throwing a ball for one dog is like declaring war among all dogs. Feeding a treat to one dog is a great way to get your hand chomped off. Here’s why: Being a mom and having small kids and trying to have friends at the same time is extremely challenging. Mom groups form in the wake of the most vulnerable, isolated state of each person’s life. Everyone is exhausted from the shitstorm of early childrearing. Moreover, even the closest, oldest friends in the group have only known each other for a few years. So even though it feels like a miracle that the kids are finally old enough not to accidentally murder themselves when they’re out of sight, you can only socialize without paying a sitter by hanging out with a bunch of relative strangers who are exactly as self-doubting, impatient, and anxious to relax as you are.

Personally, my approach was to throw parties and invite everyone because I didn’t want any kid or any parent to feel left out. I don’t recommend this. You can’t run a dependable, all-inclusive event series just for the sake of being nice. And the truth is, the ones who gripe about not being included are always the ones who never host a thing or include you in any of their social plans. Besides, how well do you know these people? In my group, one mom turned out to be hitting her kid, and another mom had a mean nickname for me behind my back. The latter is hilarious in retrospect, but it wasn’t so funny at the time, when I’d spent the previous five years making snacks for her kids while pouring margaritas down her throat.

So do what you want. I wouldn’t invite a huge group out and exclude a few people, of course. Keep things smallish but set a precedent and don’t explain yourself or overthink it. Most of all, treat yourself to the luxury of disliking people, but try very hard to keep it to yourself. It’s a jittery time for everyone, and parent groups are inherently volatile. The biggest regret I have is not keeping my mouth shut when it didn’t matter and not speaking up when it did. The less you consider yourself responsible for the entire social picture, the more responsive and helpful you’ll be when other difficult challenges arise—and they will!

As for your mother-in-law, she’s also going through a vulnerable time of her life, too, and I think you need to be a little more sympathetic to that, even if she tends to suck the oxygen out of the room occasionally. Shielding her from the fact that you and your sister-in-law are close doesn’t serve any purpose beyond making her feel paranoid and making you two feel guilty. If you’re meeting for a day, it’s pretty normal not to include your mother-in-law. If you’re taking an entire vacation together, though, I think including your mother-in-law is the more generous and loving choice.

I moved back to my hometown to be closer to my family, so I understand how taxing it can be to deal with a big group. But your mother-in-law isn’t just another mom friend you met because your kids were in the same class. She’s part of your family now, and if she isn’t abusive or intolerable to be around, you should include her in bigger gatherings. Time is precious, sure, but being precious about a close family member spoiling your conversation is just a bad habit. I say this as someone who spends her holidays with her sister’s in-laws. Trying to make every family gathering fun for you is wrong-headed. You include everyone because it serves everyone, including the kids and the old people. When you’re old, you’ll expect the same.

Dear Prudence,

I have a long-time, best friend who semi-admitted to what seems like a deal-breaker to our friendship. At a recent lunch with some old friends, it was remarked by Bob (vigorously), that my best friend Ann dated my boyfriend, Shawn. As they shouted back and forth, arguing specifics, I sat stunned.

Apparently, Ann had been sleeping/side-dating my longtime boyfriend at the time. Although not yet engaged, we dated for several years, ring-shopped, met parents, etc. It was a significant, long-term relationship for me. It sounds like the affair between Shawn and Ann only lasted several months but during that time, Ann constantly pressured me to drop him—”You guys don’t seem to be well suited,” “You both have nothing in common,” etc.

To be honest, I am less mad at him, but furious and brokenhearted with my supposed best friend and her behavior. It feels traitorous. After I gently asked her to detail this affair, she
 downplayed the whole thing, tried to gaslight me with things like, “Well you were fooling around with other guys” (which never happened—cheating is her gig, not mine) and won’t apologize, among other things. We haven’t spoken since. This has been incredibly painful. Somehow, I never thought she would harm ME. She was my FRIEND! I loved the guy, and Ann KNEW it! Don’t I deserve an apology, at minimum? Isn’t “don’t fuck your friends over” a pretty low bar for friendships?? Are my friendship expectations out of whack?

—Where Do I Go From Here?

Dear Where Do I Go From Here?

Wow, this is the easiest advice question I’ve ever been asked! Your friend sucks! Why ask for an apology? The fact that she didn’t immediately apologize to you when you found out is absolutely stunning, positively mind-bending, outrageous! If only you had a recording of that conversation, you could create some kind of public memorial in honor of the extreme denial and dysfunction it takes to turn a gigantic betrayal into an indignant war cry!

Someone capable of that kind of self-delusion is unlikely to apologize or openly discuss the facts with you no matter how hard you press the issue. She’s not someone you want to know, now or ever.

You don’t need anything from her, except for her to stay the hell away from you. Also? You should blame your dumb ex just as much as you blame your ex-friend, but I do understand why you don’t: because you trusted Ann more, and maybe even loved her more.

I’m sorry for your heartbreak. Mourn this friendship but only look back to remind yourself what a friend ISN’T. Your suffering over this ends once you face reality and resolve not to put your trust in people who aren’t really there at all. Her suffering will continue as long as she keeps running from reality.

—Polly

Like almost everyone our age, my husband and I couldn’t afford a “starter home” to raise our kids in, even though we don’t live in Seattle or NYC , and we both work full-time. So, we got creative: We bought a small fixer-upper, and over two years, I DIYed almost all of it with the help of friends and my family, while also working full-time.