Help! I Figured Out a Workaround for the Housing Crisis. My Boomer In-Laws Do Not Approve.

It’s Advice Week! In On Second Thought, we’ll revisit questions from the archives and dig into how much has changed since Slate began giving advice in 1997—and how much hasn’t. Read all stories here.

For this special edition, we asked former Prudie, Margo Howard, to weigh in on housing hacks, broken engagements, and father-in-law confrontations:

Dear Prudence,

​​Like almost everyone our age, my husband and I couldn’t afford a “starter home” to raise our kids in, even though we don’t live in Seattle or NYC , and we both work full-time. So, we got creative: We bought a small fixer-upper, and over two years, I DIYed almost all of it with the help of friends and my family, while also working full-time. The sweat equity was so intense that it even featured in our prenup. My husband has many great qualities but construction work isn’t one of them, so he held things down at our rental and learned to run the household so I could get this done. In the end, we were able to refinance it to a traditional mortgage, and we’ve now been living there for about six months. It’s definitely not perfect but it is clean, safe and to code. We’ll continue to work on cosmetic issues as money allows.

I’m finally pregnant and we’re both thrilled to raise a child here together. The issue is my in-laws. They live a couple of states away, and our relationship has always been ok, but the house project made no sense to them. They acted like we were doing a weird indulgent project when they visited for our housewarming, and picked at all the less-than-perfect things I’d worked on. My husband shrugged it off since it wasn’t his work and they don’t visit much. But when we announced the pregnancy, they gave us a weird lecture about how it’s time to “buy a real house” and “get something nice for the baby.” They fundamentally didn’t believe that this is what we can afford and that houses don’t cost what they did in 1980! They have a very very nice home they bought on one income, but that’s just not possible in the 21st century. I’m so angry about this, and they just keep picking at it, while my husband keeps ignoring it. What do I do?

—Hardworking Homeowner

Dear Homeowner,

Guess what? Your house project doesn’t have to make sense to them. To respond to your efforts by landing on the ones where they could find fault makes them sound like terrible people. I suspect your husband ignores their unattractive qualities because he’s used to them. (The only good news here is that they live a few states away. This precludes “dropping in.”)

I do not know your tolerance for being direct, but if you’re up for it, I would say to the next in-law who has “suggestions” that you do not recall asking for advice, and furthermore, you find it inappropriate. I wouldn’t be at all shy about freezing them out, but that’s me. If you’re not up for speaking plainly, the only other option is not to respond, ignore them, and perhaps share with your spouse that you find their gratuitous remarks unfriendly, and ask if they were they always this negative. From where I sit, your efforts are laudable. Enjoy them … and Happy Baby!

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.)

Dear Prudence,

I (21F) have been friends with a guy (22M) for almost four years. We’re in the same circle of friends, and we also happen to volunteer at the same place. I wouldn’t call us super close, but I think he considers us closer. We text occasionally, and I’ve asked him to be a reference on job applications that relate to our volunteering, but we’ve never hung out outside of large gatherings of friends. Then out of the blue, in the middle of volunteering, he told me he’d like to take me out to dinner sometime (we were surrounded by a bunch of people too!). I had no idea what to say. I enjoy being friends with this guy, but he’s always asking questions about my life and never talks much about his, which can make our conversations tedious, so I panicked and ended up stammering that I didn’t know and I was really too busy. I thought he would get the hint, but apparently not, because now every time I see him he asks when I’m not going to be busy. I’ve basically told him I’m never not going to be busy, but he keeps asking anyway. Now he’s texting me to ask too. To be honest, I don’t have a lot of relationship experience, and I don’t know how to get it through to this guy’s head that I’m not interested in going out with him without ruining our friendship.

—Don’t Know How to Say No

Dear Don’t,

You cannot let people push you into corners or relationships. He sounds rather dim by not picking up on hearing you are very busy. When hints aren’t doing the trick, then it’s time to talk turkey. Say nicely, of course, that you see the two of you as friends. Just friends. People cannot let themselves be manipulated to spare someone’s feelings or life will begin to suck. There’s a long-ago book called Looking Out For #1, I suggest you internalize the title. Life is too short— unless you’re Mother Teresa. May I also recommend that you work on your “saying no” skills? If not granting his wish to date blows up the friendship, well … life is choices.

Dear Prudence,

I’m traveling with my husband and our 4-month-old baby to see his parents later this month. The last time I saw my father-in-law in November, I saw him texting inappropriate texts to a woman who was not his wife. I’m trying to decide if I can bring this up with him tactfully. I haven’t told my husband as I don’t want him to lose respect for his father and it feels like it’s not my news to share, but I hate that I’m keeping a secret from my husband! This has kept me up at night, and I want to confront my FIL when I see him— something along the lines of, “I hope that what I saw in November is over now.” Letting him know that I know without pushing for any details. Is that selfish though? Should I just sit in this secret, slowly losing respect for my FIL?

—Ignorance Was Bliss

Dear Ig,

It is not your business, or your place, to tell your father-in-law that you caught him sexting and to cut it out. And the word “tactfully” does not figure into this conversation. Because this matter is of concern to you—though I’m not sure it should be—you might tell your husband. As for “slowly” losing respect for this man, I believe that has already happened. I’m sorry this flaw has been revealed to you, but do know that the old goat is in a rather large percentage of men (and women) for whom the word “fidelity” has little meaning.

Dear Prudence,

I (32F) broke off my engagement with my long-term (and long-distance) boyfriend, “Ben,” last year because it was clear our goals were different and I was tired of being his only form of comfort. I couldn’t be the only lifeline for his loneliness. I wanted him with me, and it never happened. I finally said, “I don’t think we’re getting married a year from now, are we?” and ended it. I think I did the right thing—he’s in therapy and getting out more now, doing all the things I begged him to do for years. But it broke my heart, and I’m still not over it 10 months later. I miss him so, so much.

Everyone—advice columnists, mutual friends, my boss, my therapist—agreed that the relationship was only hurting me. But it feels like I’ve just traded one kind of miserable for another. And now I’m resentful and angry with all my mutual friends who still get to have him in their lives. Irrationally, I blame them even though they were only helping us both. Do you have any tips for getting through this while I wait for time to do what it does? Or at least, tips for handling the jealousy that everyone else got to keep him in their lives and I didn’t?

—Broke My Own Heart

Dear Broke,

Shattered friendships, let alone broken engagements, are painful. You say you miss him greatly, but you called it a day, remember, because you no longer wanted to be “his lifeline from loneliness and his only form of comfort.” I think you acted correctly (and in time) because a partner should not be a crutch. Regarding your jealous feelings toward the friends who are still in touch with him, you seem to be forgetting that those are platonic relationships, and yours was romantic—and on the way to being permanent. You seem to have crossed wires here. Your statement about “time doing what it does” is a wise one. Just remind yourself, whenever the friends and “Old Needy” cross your mind, that you broke the engagement for a reason. Such personality glitches rarely get better, they get worse.

Meet new people, look for a new love, and give your friends a pass. Should this man be therapized into something approaching normal in his relationship to romantic partners, I think you still dodged a bullet.

—Margo

My in-laws spent eight years steadfastly refusing to acknowledge my existence (they didn’t approve of me for myriad reasons: religious, social, economic differences, etc.) but maintained phone contact with my partner, which has varied over the years between warm and strained. They have warmed to me considerably since he announced our pregnancy to them…