Help! I Reconnected With My Estranged Daughter—Only to Realize She’s Too Damn Sensitive.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

I need advice on how to reconnect with my formerly estranged daughter. The two of us fell out badly in 2016, when I could no longer bear watching her disastrous life choices play out and she could no longer stand hearing my views on those choices. I made a lot of bad choices myself when I was younger (resulting in me being a single mother with two jobs and debt), and it was awful watching her throw away opportunities I’d worked like a dog to get for her. (For example, she turned down a scholarship to study computer science to pursue an expensive digital art qualification instead, then racked up debt moving away instead of staying home to study, work, and save.) Our biggest fallout came when she announced her engagement to “Nick,” a man with no job prospects and no ambition, who expressed that he would be content being a househusband and stay-at-home dad while my daughter essentially fully supported him.

When my daughter told me she was marrying this man with no degree but plenty of debt, I flat-out told her I would not pay for the wedding and did not approve. She screamed at me, and we did not talk again until this year, when she made contact over email to tell me she was pregnant and asked about reconnecting. I was excited about the idea and was cautiously happy about her pregnancy news since it seemed planned and she was not in the dire financial straits I had feared. When we met, however, things didn’t go well. I was shocked when I saw her: She had put on weight (far more than pregnancy weight at this stage), got a bizarre and unflattering haircut that I cannot believe her job allows, and was covered in tattoos. I said something about her looking very different, and she immediately snapped at me that if I had nothing nice to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all. I said I didn’t appreciate her speaking to me as if I was a child. She stood up and left the cafe without touching her drink, barely two minutes after we’d sat down.

Now I am left wondering if it is worth taking another shot at reconnecting at all, since apparently, she will disappear at a hair-trigger of tension. I want to send her an email asking about what happened but have no idea what to say. I suspect she will want a groveling apology (she has demanded these in the past), which I have no intention of writing, but I do wish to speak with her and, obviously, meet my grandchild at some point! Do I owe her an apology for the surprised reaction to her appearance? If I send an email, how do I strike the balance of a placating tone, reaching out, and not over-apologizing for something extremely minor? I miss her badly, despite our difficulties.

—Brief Reconnection

Dear Brief Reconnection,

I’ve composed a text message to your daughter for you: “I want to apologize for my comments about your appearance when we met for coffee. I realize that my tendency to be critical of you is a large part of why our relationship fell apart in the first place. It’s a bad habit of mine, but I know you’re an adult now and don’t need my feedback—especially not when it can feel insulting. I miss you and really want to spend more time with you and be in my grandchild’s life, but I know that won’t work if I’m making you feel attacked. I’m committed to changing my behavior and want to ask you for another chance.”

Only you can decide whether you want to send that. If it feels like a “groveling apology” or “over apology” and if there is no part of you that actually agrees with what I’ve written, don’t. If the only relationship you’re going to enjoy with your daughter is one in which you don’t withhold any thoughts about her choices, her weight, or her approach to parenting and get to say whatever comes to your mind, you have the right to choose no relationship at all.

I hope that even if the idea of saying you’re sorry makes you roll your eyes, you decide to fake it until you make it. Send the text. The next time you see your daughter, whether she’s made a confusing change to her appearance or is doing something you think is irresponsible, don’t say anything. Bite your tongue when you feel moved to offer unsolicited observations or negative reactions, if only because you know your typical comments will lead her to get up and walk out again. Then spend regular time in therapy until you can authentically accept her for who she is, even when she does things that you don’t understand or agree with.

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!

Dear Prudence,

Let me first start by saying my husband and I have a very solid relationship and I feel very fortunate to have a loving and supportive partner. Where we struggle is with my in-laws. My husband and I were both raised in households where family time was a big priority. However, the way in which our families differ is how they go about wanting to spend time with us. My in-laws forcefully insist on spending time with us and struggle with the boundaries we have put in place over the years. I often am made to feel bad if I can’t attend a family event (sometimes there are multiple a week).

The latest is a debacle over Easter. After changing plans to better accommodate their schedules, we agreed on celebrating my brother-in-law’s birthday Friday night with my husband’s family, then celebrating my nephew’s birthday with my family on Saturday, followed by Easter on Sunday including both families. After lunch, my husband and I planned to go home so I can prepare for an international trip that I leave for on Tuesday. However, my father-in-law is insistent that we go to their house after to spend more time with them. I nicely but firmly stated that I really needed the afternoon to get my work and affairs in order for my trip, to which he responded that we “should come for an hour.” I feel like no matter what I say or do my boundaries are not respected. When incidents like this happen my husband will have a conversation with his parents but things never seem to improve. I genuinely do not know what to do anymore, the only strain in our relationship involves his family and I am tired of things not getting better.

—At a Loss

Dear At a Loss,

I hope you stood your ground on Easter! Sadly, people who require you to do a lot of work to create boundaries are the exact same people who absolutely refuse to respect boundaries. So we shouldn’t expect them to. With that in mind, you really don’t have to do anything differently in the future except to try to find a way to be OK with your in-laws being pushy and dissatisfied. The response to, “Just come for an hour!” is “I wish we could, but I need the entire afternoon at home.” They might be upset and I completely understand that that is unpleasant (and probably makes you feel like all the time you DID put in was unappreciated and maybe even wasted) but you and your husband have to agree that you’re going to choose this discomfort over the discomfort of spending every waking weekend minute with them.

Some thoughts you could try to focus on when you’ve put your foot down and are struggling with the response are:

—It’s great that our family loves us so much and can’t get enough of us. We can say no and still appreciate that there is a lot of love behind their unreasonable demands.
—My in-laws have each other and their other son. They are not at risk of being lonely, and they will be OK if we limit the time we spend together.
—The truth is, no amount of time we spend with them will ever be enough, so it makes sense to choose the amount that works for us.
—They aren’t afraid to push for exactly what they want out of a weekend. We can take an example from that and do the same.
—If we don’t prioritize our happiness, our time together as a couple, our need for rest, and our careers, we will have little to offer to them in the future when they are older and need more from us.
—They are disappointed right now, but that doesn’t mean we weren’t kind, clear, and reasonable.
—They are unlikely to change their ways, no matter how many times my husband talks to them. We don’t have to wait for them to change to feel confident about our decisions.

Dear Prudence, 

My oldest niece has been going to school in New York, and will be starting her second semester this spring. Since my husband and I have never been to New York, we decided to schedule a visit to see the city and visit with her. My husband decided to invite my parents since we do a lot of traveling together and thought they’d want to visit with her as well. My dilemma is that my sister-in-law is currently having a hard time with my parents (her in-laws), and is trying to set boundaries with them as well as boundaries for the teenage kids still at home.

My oldest niece is 18 and didn’t seem to have an issue with us all visiting, and is looking forward to us going out there. I have to let my sister-in-law know that my parents will be coming along on this trip, but the decision to invite them was after she had mentioned that she was setting new boundaries. I’m afraid this will complicate their situation and create more tension since they are visiting her eldest. My parents are not aware of the issues she’s trying to work out so I’m not sure how they would feel about going if they knew. How should I tell her? I feel like I’m disrespecting her decision on boundaries, and it’s eating me up.

—Anxious Aunt

Dear Anxious Aunt,

Tell her the truth, which might sound something like this: “I wanted to talk to you about something. Mike just let me know that he invited my parents on the New York trip. It’s not a choice I would have made, knowing that you’re having a hard time with them right now, but he did it without consulting me and now they’re coming. I’m feeling worried that this is going to make your life harder. So without getting in the middle of your relationship with them, I just wanted to give you a heads up so if there’s a conversation you need to have about the boundaries, you can do that.”

Dear Prudence,

I am on maternity leave. I am not a stay-at-home spouse. I am getting paid in full right now and I make more than my husband. This is not to justify anything but to provide context. My husband is refusing to help postpartum. He works 40 hours a week, but he won’t help with the baby even on the weekends. I think I should leave. Clearly, he does not respect me as a person or care that I am suffering. I don’t think the Fair Play book will help because he knows how much I am doing and knows he is contributing nothing. My family says I should go to counseling with him, but I think he’s just showing his true colors and I don’t want to set a bad doormat example for my child and get stuck in a bad marriage for years. Counseling won’t change anything. How can it when he clearly doesn’t see me as an equal? I don’t think he will improve. It is not like I had some innate sense of being able to take care of a child. I stepped up and he did not. I am tired of this. Should I get out earlier than later? I don’t want to be a bangmaid.

—How Was I So Blind?

Dear How Was I So Blind,

I don’t know what a bangmaid is, but I know I just read the words of someone who is 100 percent done with her relationship, for very good reasons. You’re very clear on what you need to do and why, and no one is more of an expert on your life than you are. Leave.

Six years ago, I had a brief fling with “Jane” the summer after I finished college. She ended things by moving away without telling me. Last month, Jane called me up and dropped a bombshell: She had been pregnant when she left. I have a daughter I have never met.