Help! I Nursed My Girlfriend Back to Health. Now I Want to Leave Her.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

After three years, my girlfriend is finally getting over her clinical depression. She is taking her meds, talking to a therapist, and recently got a job. Everything should be sunshine and roses. I want to leave. My girlfriend was a foster kid. She spent her early 20s on the streets or in bad relationships to have somewhere to sleep. I thought she was so strong and brave for getting to the position where we met. She had a great job and an apartment, and was just filled with life. When her depression hit, she quit going to work, lost her apartment, and had to move in with me.

I had to drag her into the shower, force her to brush her teeth, and beg her to get help. She maxed out my emergency credit card in her shopping sprees and would break down in sobbing fits when I got upset. I was working 50 to 60 hours a week to keep us afloat and would come back to my girlfriend crying over not putting away the clean dishes as I asked. Our sex life was/is nonexistent.  I felt more like a single parent than a partner. I knew my girlfriend didn’t have anyone but me.

She is better now, but her behavior—and it was a mental illness—meant I was working sick or sleepless because if I broke down everything else would, too. I honestly don’t feel anything toward her anymore but a dull obligation. My brother has been trying to get me to move and help him at his company. I want to take it and create a fresh start. I am afraid that breaking up with my girlfriend will cause her to crash and burn again. I feel guilty and then I feel angry. And the cycle starts again. What should I do?

—Fresh Start

Dear Fresh Start,

Letters from people who are wondering whether they should leave a partner who is right in the middle of a mental health crisis and may not be able to manage life alone are difficult to weigh in on. But yours isn’t! Your girlfriend is doing well and working. You helped her through a rough time. And you don’t want to be together anymore. Now is a perfectly reasonable time to part ways. I understand the concern about how a breakup may impact her, but the rule simply can’t be that you have to stay in a relationship with her forever. Plus, she’s taking her medication now, which should do a lot to help her remain stable. Break up as kindly and gently as possible, and if it helps, remind yourself that, whatever her mental state may be, she really does deserve a partner who sees her as more than an obligation. And that’s not you.

Sometimes even Prudence needs a little help. This week’s tricky situation is below. Submit your comments about how to approach the situation here to Jenée, and then look back for the final answer here on Friday.

Dear Prudence,

I have been in my stepkids’ lives for a decade. They are currently 19 and 17. I am tired of being screamed at for overstepping, only to be screamed at for not stepping up enough. I am the one pulling the mental load for the entire family, including their mother. Doctor appointments, dental appointments, teacher meetings—I was the one with the notebook and the calendar, reminding everyone to get their butts in gear.

I reached my breaking point when my stepdaughter and her mother both blamed me for not reminding them (again) about the due date for an internship she wanted. My stepdaughter is academically brilliant but completely scatterbrained, just like her mother. I can’t tell you how many times her mother has forgotten her rent was due and gotten late fees. My stepdaughter is a legal adult. She is in college. Her brother is set to graduate this spring. I told my husband to stick a fork in me, I was done. I will be pleasant to my stepkids when I see them and give them a gift card on holidays. I will worry about the child we have together and that is it. Problems with schoolwork? Ask your father. Trouble with college applications? Ask their mother. Need a ride/a meal/someone to fix the shower? You have a phone, Google it yourself (neither of my stepkids drives or wants to use the bus system).

My husband is upset with me and says it will get better. It has been a decade. Nothing has changed. I don’t need my stepkids to love me like a mother, but a little gratitude would be nice. I have been civil, but only courteous to my stepkids. They seem confused about why I am telling them to help themselves to the kitchen instead of asking what they want for dinner or I don’t immediately jump up when they ask me for something. I told them both that the internship incident showed me I needed to respect their boundaries. Here is me respecting their boundaries. It is honestly a weight off my shoulders. I have started going to the gym again and going out with friends. My neighbor and I switch over afternoon childcare so I actually have free time now. This is causing me friction in my marriage. I am just tired. Please help!

—Mental Load

Dear Mental Load,

I can absolutely see why you got frustrated and needed to make a change to your family dynamic, but it feels to me like you may have overcorrected a bit. You’ve been a parental figure to these kids for over 10 years. I would think that despite navigating ungrateful adolescent behavior and unfair expectations, you would want to work to heal and improve your relationship with them rather than shutting down emotionally and giving them the cold shoulder.

There’s a difference between the passive-aggressive, “After caring for you for your entire childhood, I’ll suddenly just be saying hi and bye and throwing a gift card at you over the holiday. What? Why are you upset? I’m being perfectly cordial!” and telling them the truth, which would sound more like: “It was really upsetting to me when I got yelled at about the internship deadline, and that incident made me realize it hurts my feelings when you take for granted that I will help with the administrative side of your lives and don’t express any gratitude to me. It also highlighted for me that now that you two are older, it makes sense for me to step back from some of the responsibilities that should really be yours. Let’s sit down with your dad and talk about the tasks that will be totally your responsibility, the things he’s willing to help with, and the things I can give advice on if you ask. I know this will represent a change because you are used to relying on me a lot, but I’d like to transition to an adult relationship that’s based on enjoying each other’s company while we all manage our own personal business.”

Your husband’s passive attitude and lack of concern for how you’re treated in your own home is another issue entirely. But my hope is that if you’re not complicating things by icing out his kids, you’ll have a better chance of having a clear conversation about what you need from him, after the college and internship applications are filled out and sent.

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!

Dear Prudence,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about a year. He is kind, sweet, understanding, and my best friend. We are both very serious about each other and have discussed potentially getting married in the future. (We are both 29.) However, I have not told him that I am undocumented, or more specifically DACAmented. We share our ethnic heritage however, he is second generation and comes from a solidly middle class family. Both of his parents are educated and one of them even has a master’s degree from Stanford. I, on the other hand, come from a working class family, neither one of my parents finished high school, and we are of mixed status. Although we have met each other’s family, our families have not met yet. I guess my question is twofold: How do I come out to my partner? And how do I get over my fear of rejection?

—Anxious

Dear Anxious,

I don’t think you can expect to get over your fear of rejection. That’s part of being human! But you can shift your focus away from it and concentrate instead on how great it will feel to have what you want: A relationship where you feel completely accepted and don’t have any secrets. It’s worth pushing through this hard conversation to get there. Will that relationship be with your current boyfriend or someone else whom you meet after you break up? I can’t say.

But you can prepare yourself for how he’ll react to your announcement by really paying attention to what you already know about him. After all, you’ve been together for a year and I’m sure you’ve had wide-ranging discussions and have observed his reactions to many different situations. Is he judgmental? Compassionate? Does he look down on people with more difficult life circumstances or does he express empathy for them? Is he overly concerned about pedigrees and appearances? Are his parents? Based on what you’ve written about his personality, I’m hopeful that the news about your status won’t represent the end of your relationship. If it does, it will be of course be painful, but it’ll give you the chance to stop wasting your time and find someone who actually accepts you.

Dear Prudence,

My sister has been with “Danny” for about three years. He has a 10-year-old daughter “Valeria,” who is incredibly snotty and spoiled. She will insult someone because the gift they gave her wasn’t up to her standards. Her birthday was in March and she told my mother that she was “cheap” for giving her a $10 gift card and that it should have been more. This child had three separate birthday parties! As ever, Danny did nothing to correct his daughter and later just passed the blame on how “difficult” it was to be a child of divorce and being in two different households. I told my sister I was sick of this. Our mother is disabled and on a fixed income, she doesn’t need to be insulted to her face by a spoiled brat who apparently had the words “thank you” deleted from her vocabulary. My sister asked me why I thought she had any control here. I told her she kept bringing Danny and Valeria to our family get-togethers. We tend to have pretty elaborate parties with themed games, usually at my house. I told my sister not to bring her boyfriend or his kid to Easter. My sister-in-law was driving in with her three kids and I was planning an egg hunt and custom-made Easter baskets. There wouldn’t be one for Valeria. I am not going to be insulted in my own home that my work was “stupid” or have Valeria throw a fit because she wanted one of the other kids’ candy.

Well, Danny decided to drop in with Valeria and it went about as well as expected. Valeria threw a fit and stomped on one of the baskets. My sister tried to make excuses, but my husband basically had to frog-march Danny and his daughter out. Now my sister is blaming me. I am just done trying. My family has tried to be welcoming to Danny and his daughter for years. I understand she is the result of poor parenting, but that doesn’t mean she needs to be inflicted on our family. How do I get through to my sister here?

—Bad Easter

Dear Bad Easter,

It sounds like your sister, Danny, and Valeria are a package deal. She may not be married, but after three years, she sees them as her family. If you can’t tolerate Valeria’s presence—which is a totally fair way to feel—simply don’t invite any of them.

On the other hand, if it’s important to you to have your sister around, you have to be as accommodating and patient with Valeria as you would with a biologically related child who was behaving this way. I’m not saying that will be easy, or that you’ll accept her antics completely, but you might find some empathy for the obvious emotional issues she’s struggling with. You can try focusing less on correcting her and more on connecting with her (including outside of family holiday celebrations) and hold off on kicking her off the premises the minute she messes up. Behind the “ungrateful” kid is an unhappy kid—and being rejected again and again isn’t going to help her feel or behave any better.

Dear Prudence,

I obviously want to go to college (I think) and want to obtain a career that will keep me stable in the future. But still, the little girl in me always wanted to pursue my real passion, which is music! But because of how hit or miss it is and the possibility of flopping, I feel the need to keep it locked away. Should I go for my real passion? Or should I go for something at least close to it, but more stable? I mean, some celebrities make it from so little! But most are nepo babies, which I have been finding out about in the last year (which is cool, like I would go ham if I were one too). But I need some help!

—The Indecisive Thinker

Dear Indecisive,

I love that you’re focused on this so early in life. And I think you can have the best of both worlds. I do encourage you to at least start by choosing a college major that will set you on a path to being able to support yourself. Maybe I’m being too cautious or old-fashioned here, but I just can’t see you enjoying creative endeavors as a young adult while being unable to pay rent or having to crowdfund for medical expenses. My theory is that stability and having your basic needs met can free you up to focus on what you enjoy. So yes, select a path that will lead to being self-sufficient and comfortable. But that doesn’t mean giving up on or not pursuing your passion. Not at all. The great thing about college is that you have more time to pursue things that interest you than you’ll ever have again in your life. So you can take your business or computer science or whatever courses, but every other part of your life—from your electives to your clubs to the way you spend your evenings and weekends—can be dedicated to music. In the meantime, remain open-minded and flexible. Obviously, if Taylor Swift hears you singing at open mic night at the local coffee shop and asks to feature you on a song, you can withdraw from your accounting course and see where that takes you.

Dear Prudence,

I am on maternity leave. I am not a stay-at-home spouse. I am getting paid in full right now and I make more than my husband. This is not to justify anything but to provide context. My husband is refusing to help postpartum. He works 40 hours a week, but he won’t help with the baby even on the weekends. I think I should leave. Clearly, he does not respect me as a person or care that I am suffering. I don’t think the Fair Play book will help because he knows how much I am doing and knows he is contributing nothing. My family says I should go to counseling with him, but I think he’s just showing his true colors and I don’t want to set a bad example of acting as a doormat for my child and get stuck for years in a bad marriage. Counseling won’t change anything. How could it when he clearly doesn’t see me as an equal? I don’t think he will improve. It is not like I had some innate sense of being able to take care of a child. I stepped up and he did not. I am tired of this. Should I get out earlier than later? I don’t want to be a bangmaid.

—How Was I So Blind?

Dear How Was I So Blind,

I don’t know what a bangmaid is, but I know I just read the words of someone who is 100 percent done with her relationship, for very good reasons. You’re very clear on what you need to do and why, and no one is more of an expert on your life than you are. Leave.

I have fibromyalgia, a chronic and unpredictable illness that causes severe pain and fatigue. I’m doing my best to manage it but have had to give up a lot, including my job. Using a wheelchair on days when I need to travel long distances and be out of the house would really improve my quality of life. I haven’t been able to broach the topic of getting a wheelchair with my parents because they are quite ableist.