Help! My Mother Kept a Haunting Memento From My Childhood.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

When I was in kindergarten, I had a rat tail hairstyle that my mom was very into, but the other kids made fun of me about it, and eventually I decided to get my hair cut. My mom was very sad about it at the time and decided to save the long lock of hair after it was cut. She’s kept it in a chest for about 30 years now, but as she’s planning to move out of her current house, she mailed me three big boxes of photo albums, random school work, etc., and in one of the boxes was my rat tail, sandwiched in a scrapbook! What do I do with a 30-year-old rat tail? I don’t feel right throwing it away, but I’m very creeped out.

—Distressed Former Rat Tail Owner

Dear Former Rat,

I’m guessing this thing is pretty small, right? I would totally support you in throwing it in the trash, but if that truly feels wrong, place it in an envelope, and stick it in the back of your junk drawer or on a shelf in your storage shed or way back in that unreachable place at the top of the linen closet. Now it’s out of your life, you never have to think about it (until you move or something, at which point maybe you’ll be ready to say goodbye) and your problem is solved.

Alternatively, you could have a little ceremony. I’m serious, hear me out: It sounds like the attachment you and your mom share to this little bundle of hair could represent deeper feelings about your childhood, the painful experience of being teased, and maybe the angst associated with asserting your independence from your mom—in terms of your hairstyle and just growing up in general. Perhaps there’s also something there about the loss of your childhood home and your mom moving on to the next stage of her life that’s making all of this feel even more intense. So, lay the rat tail on the table, light a candle, and journal in response to the following prompts: “What does it feel like to think about the year I wore this hairstyle?” “How did I feel when I finally cut it?” “What does it signify to my mom, and what does it signify to me?” “What are my hopes for the way my mom and I relate to each other over the next 30 years?” Sit and look at the hair and reflect. As Marie Kondo would say, thank it for its service. And go toss it into the water at the beach or into the bushes at a nice scenic dog park and move on with your life.

Dear Prudence,

I have been friends with another attorney for several years now. We both graduated law school about the same time and practiced in the same field of law. During and after the immediate aftermath of the pandemic, her employer couldn’t pay a full-time salary and moved her to a part-time position. My friend was increasingly frustrated by this and her unhappiness soon dominated our conversations. Once it became apparent that this was not a temporary problem, I suggested that she change employers. She took my advice but in the year since then, she hasn’t been able to hold down a job. She has a good resume and hasn’t had a problem getting hired at good, well-paying positions in her field, but she seems to self-sabotage at each position. She constantly puts down her own abilities and, according to her, she often refuses to do things her employers ask, claiming that she doesn’t know enough to do them.

I find this distressing because, from my interactions with her, it seems like she does know enough to do these things and has the capacity to pick up new skills with relatively little training, but she seems unwilling to push herself to do so. She also seems to have personal conflicts with people at each of the positions she has worked at, some of which sound justified and some of which do not. Throughout this time. I have tried to be supportive and offer practical advice when asked, but I don’t think I have done much good for her.

Recently, she has become very upset, as some of her relatives who had been providing her housing and covering some of her expenses have told her that they will not be able to continue to do this indefinitely and have advised her to start making arrangements to live on her own. My friend has been worried about her future since and has been catastrophizing. Now, she’s suggesting that she could move in with me. In the past I had told her that she was always welcome to stay on my couch if she needed to, but this was always meant as a short-term solution to help get over a crisis for like a month or so. I really don’t want to have to take care of a 35-year-old woman indefinitely.

There will be a position opening up at my office soon, and I’m pretty sure I can get her hired if I recommend her. However, it is very similar to one of the positions she was recently fired from. I personally think that she has the capacity to do it and feel like if I just assisted her in finding her feet with it that it could work out. I asked her if she wanted me to put her name forward and she was non-committal and said that she didn’t think she could last at it and wouldn’t want to embarrass me I feel guilty that things have worked out so poorly for her after following my advice, and I feel the job could be a good opportunity for her, but I also don’t want to set her up for failure by pushing her into taking a position that she lacks the confidence to do. I also really don’t want a roommate at my age. Any ideas on how to resolve this?

—Bad Advice Giver

Dear Bad Advice,

I love that you want to help your friend out. But you should do it from a distance. Meaning, I don’t want her in your home or in your workplace. This kind of short-term assistance—offering her your couch or helping her get a job that she might not be able to handle—will make you feel better temporarily, but they’ll ultimately make both of you feel worse. Having a roommate when you know you don’t want one is a recipe for having a friend who you absolutely hate (and, in the worst-case scenario, have to take to eviction court). Just imagine receiving a text from her that says she can’t pay her rent this month because she lost her job, and she lost her job because she announced to the office that she had never written a motion before and couldn’t be expected to try. You’d be outraged! Let’s avoid that.

The conversation in which you tell her she won’t be moving in is going to be a very, very hard one, but please remember that it will be easier than coming home to your friend’s tales of self-sabotage every night when you just want to enjoy your alone time. It could go something like this: “Hey, so I know you mentioned the possibility of moving in, and I have to tell you that after thinking about it, I don’t think it’s a good idea. I am just not up for having a roommate, and I wouldn’t be a good one to you. I care about our friendship and don’t want to put either of us in a stressful living situation. But if you ever have a real emergency or need to crash somewhere for a few nights in between leases, of course I would be happy to have you. And I still want to be as helpful as I can with your job search.”

If, and only if, you are the kind of lawyer who makes more money than you know what to do with (and if this would feel good to you), you could offer her help with a security deposit or first and last month’s rent for a new place. As always: Only give what you can comfortably afford to lose, and frame it as a gift.

Continue to send her leads (NOT the one involving your firm), help her with mock interviews, encourage her, etc. And if at some point she specifically asks you, “Why do you think I can’t keep a job?” that will be your moment to mention the personal conflicts and the whole refusal to do work thing. You could also bring up the fact that lawyering is notoriously stressful and many attorneys benefit from seeing a therapist to manage that. Also, pass on this recommendation to her: The podcast “UnF*ck Your Brain: Feminist Self Help For Everyone,” which was originally titled “The Lawyer Stress Solution.” Have her go back to the first 23 episodes, which are full of really helpful and practical advice for women attorneys. There’s a lot of content on how to overcome procrastination and avoidance by addressing the fears that underlie these things. She might hear something that will click and help her change her current patterns.

“Your advice would have been fine if she would have, for example, not refused to do work assigned to her!”

Jenée Desmond-Harris and Joel Anderson discuss a letter in this week’s Dear Prudence Uncensored—only for Slate Plus members.

Dear Prudence,

My wife and I are both high-income earners (top 1 percent in the U.S.) and we are both almost-millionaires. I recently quit my job to recover from burnout and to work on a solo project. My wife agreed to this plan because the project has the potential to free us from corporate life by generating a significant amount of passive income. I’ve set a deadline for myself to go back to a corporate job by the end of the year if the project is not successful. Since the project timeline is relatively long, I want to work sustainably to avoid burnout. After prioritizing sleep, exercise, nutrition, and mental health, I end up working around five hours a day on this project (including weekends when we have no plans).

My wife has told me that she is not satisfied with the number of hours I am working. This disagreement has led to a couple of bad fights. Her “ideal husband” “works hard.” She is afraid I won’t be able to deal with the chaos of kids in the future. Granted, I am working less than the standard 40 hours per week. But it’s not like I’m doing nothing; I have a deadline and I make consistent progress every week. I will also note that I still pay my share of all expenses and we still maintain a similar lifestyle as before. To use a Reddit-ism, am I the asshole?

—Lazy Husband

Dear Lazy,

You’re not the asshole. But being a non-asshole does nothing to guarantee you a happy marriage, so you’re asking the wrong question. Your wife clearly has some pretty intense fears about whether you two have what it takes to tackle the next stage of life together—and I bet there’s much more to them than the difference between 25 and 40 hours a week at a desk. Are those fears reasonable? Are they based totally in her anxiety, or in a pattern of behavior she’s noticed, or some offhand comment you made about how you’ll never put anything before your eight hours of sleep and daily workouts? I have no idea. But you’ve got to get to the root of what she’s worried about, decide if that worry is reasonable, and if it is, start thinking about how you can reassure her. One thing that’s definitely not going to work is repeatedly reciting all the numbers of hours and dollars that prove that your current schedule “objectively” makes sense.

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!

Dear Prudence,

Ten months ago, my first love and I started talking on the phone. We had not seen one another in 40 years. This has led to infrequent in-person visits. I have been married for 30+ years but my marriage is like living with a nice brother. The man I have been meeting has been seeing a woman every couple of months for 14 years. Long distances are involved, so travel is necessary. We love one another, I have been to his home, and have met his son. He has been open about the other woman. I originally thought that I would be okay with this, but I find that I am not. As the time approaches when he will see the other woman, I get anxious, worried, and jealous. I do not want to give him up, and he won’t give her up. How can I accept this and be content that he is back in my life?

—Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

I have to be honest, when I think of the kind of situation that might make a person feel “content,” having a long-distance affair with someone who is in another relationship that inspires anxiety and jealousy isn’t one of the first things that comes to mind. It’s not even on the list of top 100 things that comes to mind. In fact, I think you’ve set yourself up to be anxious and angsty, and that won’t change until your relationships change. Tip for the future: If you’re going to cheat—a decision that comes with its own bad vibes and stress and guilt and potentially painful consequences—it should be with someone who brings you nothing but peace and joy.

Being content requires being satisfied with what you have (even if that means making changes to what you have) and developing the habit of walking away from things that put your stomach in knots rather than willing yourself to have different feelings. It’s time to close the door on your relationship with your first love, reflect on what this situation has revealed to you about yourself, and think about how to make some changes in your life to get closer to feeling the way you want to feel. It’s clear there’s something missing in your marriage, but I actually see a lot of potential and hope in “living with a nice brother.” You don’t hate or resent each other. There’s been no huge catastrophe. You have mutual respect and affection to work with. Be open to the possibility that it would be more efficient to turn this relationship into one that gives you what you need than it would be to chase men—and feelings—from your past.

Dear Prudence,

How do I tell my lovely boss she stinks? She’s a smoker and while, of course, she doesn’t smoke inside the building, she does outside during work hours. Sometimes she comes in to talk to me right after she’s had a cigarette and smells just awful. And the awful smell lingers.
I guess smokers don’t realize how they smell right after they’ve had a cigarette. She’s a great boss and a wonderful person. Is there a way I can politely ask her not to come see me until it’s been at least 10 minutes after she’s had a cigarette?

—Hates Cigarette Smoke

Dear Cigarette Smoke,

Sadly, I don’t think a 10-minute air-out period is going to solve this for you. Cigarette smoke tends to stick around. But if you really believe that would help, I give you permission to fake an allergy. Just a little something more than “I don’t like the smell” Try: “I’ve realized I have a sensitivity to cigarette smoke—it really makes my eyes itch and gives me a headache. I don’t want to inconvenience you, but do you think we could have our chats before you go out to smoke instead of when you get back?

Dear Prudence,

My adult sister has been dating a man for about three years. I’ve met him twice, largely because I moved out of state a little after they started dating. I moved back in September. I got her boyfriend a gift certificate for Christmas and she responded that it was inappropriate to buy a gift for him and that I was further wrong for “crossing boundaries”. She’s never informed me of this “boundary, ”and when I brought this up she mentioned that it was “common practice” and known to be poor taste (to give a gift to your sister’s significant other). What does etiquette have to say about this situation?

—Befuddled Gift Giver

Dear Gift Giver,

Your sister won’t have any luck pointing to a rule of etiquette that supports her position. So in that sense, you win! But obviously this isn’t about what’s in poor taste or what’s appropriate. As is often the case with bizarre conflicts like this, something else is going on.
It could be that she’s extremely jealous and possessive and thinks a present from you could make her boyfriend fall in love with you and leave her. Less likely but still possible: He hates the gifts you’ve been giving him or feels pressured to reciprocate and she’s trying to protect him. Either way, don’t bother fighting her. It’s a waste of energy to try to convince someone committed to seeing you as being unreasonable that you’re not. But you can use this moment to get some information that will help you avoid future ridiculous conflicts. Say: “I hear you and I won’t get him any more gifts. But since we clearly aren’t on the same page about what’s in poor taste, please let me know if there is anything else I should avoid when it comes to interacting with him. I don’t want to inadvertently offend either of you.”

I’ve had the same cleaning lady, “Billie,” for a few years now. She’s always done a great job, and we’ve never had any problems before. Over the years a lot of my friends have also hired her, some on my recommendation. Yesterday, my good friend “Karla” told me that some of her codeine pills went missing after Billie came to clean. Karla had a prescription for them after some minor dental surgery two weeks ago, and she had 25 pills in the bottle. Karla always makes a big deal about being hardcore when it comes to pain, so she hadn’t even taken any of the pills yet, just Tylenol, but she says she did count them when she first got the bottle. On Friday morning, Karla was going through her prescriptions and she noticed the bottle was almost empty. There were only 10 pills left.