Etiquette 101: How to Avoid Friends on Vacation

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Planning for vacation this year started, as it always does, with one question: "Where will everyone else be?" The answer to that serves as a guiding North Star; not to outline where we'd be heading, but where we would be avoiding.

Here's the thing: traveling with friends can be fun (unless you go to Miami or Ibiza, where alcohol-soaked adventures test even the strongest of friendships), but seeing acquaintances randomly on a vacation meant to be enjoyed without them is an entirely different story. We're not saying that we don't love our friends. But can remnants of home spoil the magic of a vacation? And, how does one wave hi-and-bye to a friend without being shady?

"Many people embrace the freedom of disengaging from home when they travel. If you unexpectedly run into familiar faces it can to some feel that there is an obligation to interact and engage, which may feel like an encroachment on their space and experience," Alexis Doerfler, the co-founder of the bespoke luxury travel agency The Destination Designer, tells T&C. "Even if they care for that person, it may create, in the moment, anxiety and resentment." According to her, this goes for solo travelers who are perhaps looking to get out of their comfort zone, and those on intimate trips with, say, a partner.

I think of Edith Wharton's Age of Innocence. Newland Archer and his new wife, May, travel around Europe for their honeymoon. May, who is engrained in Old New York sensibilities, refuses to see Newland's European acquaintances, as such practice was considered a sign of decay in status for high-society New Yorkers. Archer, who is continuously seduced by breaking free of Old New York's constricting social expectations, doesn't try to persuade May otherwise because "there is no use in trying to educate a wife who had not the dimmest notion that she was not free."

That last line hits. Even though May doesn't want to see Archer's friends because she's worried about what folks at home are going to think of her. Like May, no matter how liberated one might claim to be, seeing friends or acquaintances from home can summon our inhibitions again and prevent us from letting our hair down or swinging from a chandelier without the fear that word might follow us home.

"Of course, there are people who love the serendipity of running into an old friend, and, for them, the more the merrier," Doerfler says. For her, seeing someone she might know on vacation makes her feel inclined to invite them into their plans. This isn't negative, as she says she's quite social. "My business partner, however, would likely elect to include the person possibly for a cocktail or a cup of coffee and then would politely excuse herself to continue on her travel plans and establish a respectful boundary."

So, when that moment happens—the one where you're relaxing and then see someone you know from home from across the pool—what do you do? There's no need to duck behind a bush. According to William Hanson, the founder of the etiquette school The English Manner, Doefler's business partner has the right idea.

"First of all, enthuse about how exciting it is to see them and how pleased you are, and just take a moment to laugh about the coincidence of bumping into them," Hanson tells T&C. "If you do not wish to spend time with them, you make it quite clear that you have got a schedule, and 'gosh if only we had known in advance.' You could also always tell a slight white lie of 'Well, if our plans change we will let you know and let's meet up for a drink.'"

But, seeing good friends from home abroad can also be fun and Hanson suggests that it might be nice to embrace the serendipity. "I don't think anyone would expect you to change your entire plans, just like you would not expect them to change theirs. But, if you are staying in a vaguely similar area you could suggest meeting up for a drink."

There's a reason (among many) why East Hampton in the summer is always off the list for this editor. And, why Capri is actually a more pleasant visit during the off-season. In my mind, each location is a small village at heart: the same people, the same sensibilities, the same conversations. Vacations are for escaping, and one shouldn't be offended if that includes their company just for a little while. Much like with school chums, you can see them in September.

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