Divorcing a Narcissist: How to Survive the Legal and Emotional Challenges
You can beat them at their own game
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Reviewed by Ivy Kwong, LMFTReviewed by Ivy Kwong, LMFT
Divorce is an emotionally traumatizing experience for anyone. But it may be more emotionally taxing if your partner is a narcissist.
Typically, the word "narcissist" is used colloquially to describe someone selfish or self-centered, but it can also refer to somebody with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), a mental health condition characterized by self-importance and grandiosity. Not every narcissist has NPD but every person with NPD is a narcissist.
Narcissists—diagnosed with or without NPD—desire both praise and applause and struggle with criticism. Their need to defend their sense of self can make conflict resolution difficult and even lead to something called narcissistic injury. “They feel abandoned and go into revenge mode,” says Karyl McBride, PhD, LMFT, an author and clinical professional who's specialized in narcissism for over 30 years.
"The narcissist will use control, manipulation, gaslighting, lying, and whatever form of coercion they can muster to get their way and win."
Karyl McBride, PhD, LMFT
“If that happens, they can unilaterally create havoc with the divorce process and all the professionals including the ex-partner and children," she says. “They will want to win at all costs and not be able to show empathy, even to their own children.”
Narcissistic rage may also manifest during divorce proceedings. This can look like explosive anger as well as verbal and emotional abuse. Some narcissists are good at masking their rage and instead of yelling or becoming physically violent, they'll channel their anger into manipulation and gaslighting.
Divorcing a narcissist is not an easy process, but there are ways to prepare and available resources to use—and this article has them all for you.
Related: Signs of Narcissistic Collapse and What to Do Next
Preparing for Divorce with a Narcissist
If your spouse is a narcissist, it’s important to gather as much evidence and documentation as you can before proceedings begin. Financial documents from tax returns to credit card statements should be collected, as well as text messages, emails, and any on-paper communication. Being open and transparent in court will give the judge a positive impression, which will help your case.
Eamonn McKay, MS, a mental health professional who treats clients with psychological disorders like NPD, also recommends couples therapy before a divorce officially starts. But only if it's physically safe to do so. “Working with a therapist trained in pathological love relationships is critical at all stages, including immediately after discard, while in recovery, and preparing for court," he says.
Legal Considerations and Strategies
Consider an attorney who understands the dynamics of narcissism, says Dr. McBride. She also advises hiring a mental health professional who specializes in narcissism, if you're doing a custody evaluation.
While it’s important to find a divorce attorney who's well-versed with narcissistic spouses, it’s also a good idea for you to brush up on the legal process of divorce. This will prepare you for any potential challenges you might face and give you an idea of how a narcissist might try to make the legal system more challenging.
"Narcissistic and abusive individuals will seek ways to manipulate the survivor, co-parent, or child."
Eamonn McKay, MS LMFT
Narcissists desire control and are willing to do whatever to maintain it during divorce proceedings. This can look like offering false platitudes to the judge or delaying court to increase your legal fees (a win in their eyes). To avoid falling into this cycle, McKay recommends limiting what you say, particularly before any court appearances, as narcissists will often try to use your words against you. “The golden rule in all circumstances when interacting with a narcissist is 'Silence cannot be misquoted,'" he says.
Coping with Emotional Challenges
Going through a divorce can be challenging for anyone, whether you’re divorcing a narcissist or not. For this reason, Dr. McBride recommends finding a good therapist for support and maintaining clear boundaries for both the narcissistic spouse and divorce lawyer.
“The narcissist will use control, manipulation, gaslighting, lying, and whatever form of coercion they can muster to get their way and win," she explains. "Be aware and take any threats of violence seriously. Always report them. Keep telling and talking until someone listens.”
It can be difficult to identify a narcissist's manipulation tactics, particularly if you’ve been with one for many years, but third parties—be it friends, colleagues, or your therapist—can help you.
“Once you become aware of any attempts at manipulation—such as historic revisionism, gaslighting, lying, or the frontloading of narratives—you must rigidly adhere to your perception of events, and refuse to permit the abusive party any influence," McKay says. "You can be blunt here, and simply state, ‘I know the facts as I see them, and I will not permit you to alter these.’”
Protect your boundaries by being firm and decisive. You could also use the grey rock technique, which involves acting as unresponsive as you can when interacting with a narcissist. The idea is to make them bored, so they’ll stop bothering you.
And, don’t forget to practice self-care. Give yourself grace for not "seeing through" your spouse earlier. Try to do activities that make you feel happy. If you have young children, try leaving them a trusted friend or relative or—if you like—bring them along with you.
Protecting Children in a Divorce with a Narcissist
Divorcing a narcissist requires careful planning and consideration, especially when children are involved. A narcissist may try to use the children as leverage and turn them against you to gain sole custody.
It's important to stay calm and neutral during this process. Try not to bad mouth or criticize the other parent openly. And if your children have questions, respond as neutral and objective to the best of your ability. While a narcissistic parent certainly has negative impacts on their children like an increase in anxiety and depression, the child may still love and respect the parent in question.
Furthermore, try not to overhaul the children's routines. Children and adolescents are experiencing a sense of loss and emotional turmoil from the divorce, which can impact their well-being as adults. Maintaining your children’s usual routines—the boundaries and rules they’re used to—helps lessen the emotional effects of the divorce.
Takeaway
A divorce is a significant event in a child's life and can impact their emotional and psychological health. It's important to check in with your child and support them through this process by maintaining their normal routines and being cordial with your co-parent.
Co-parenting with a narcissist can bring with it its own unique set of challenges too including alienation. “Narcissistic and abusive individuals will seek ways to manipulate the surviving co-parent and child," McKay says. "For instance, they can seek to turn the child against the survivor parent, a process termed 'Narcissistic Parent Alienation Syndrome.' This is accomplished by portraying the other parent as less caring or being the abusive party, and how it was their bad attitudes that brought the family down.”
He adds that working with a therapist can help prevent NAPD if you suspect your partner attempting to manipulate or alienate your child. And, while it can difficult to prove, you may be able to get the court or Child Protective Services involved, if there is evidence.
Therapy can be helpful both during and post-divorce, as you maneuver a new lifestyle and the stresses of co-parenting, A mental health professional can help you avoid leaning on your children for support too much and help your children cope with these changes.
Related: How to Deal With a Narcissistic Parent
Post-Divorce Recovery and Healing
“In so-called ‘normal’ divorces, people usually take about three years to cool their jets, get over the anger, and adjust to the divorce," Dr. McBride explains. "When divorcing a narcissist, the narcissist never gets over it, so the battle continues for years. We see multiple filings of motions to the courts.”
Thus, moving forward is difficult. However, therapy and support groups for people in similar situations will help push this healing process along. So will journaling and affirmations. Write down things that make you happy and things you’re good at—speak it out loud too!
The period of post-divorce is also a great time to rediscover your freedom and sense of self. Phase out old routines and experiment, whether that's starting a new class, learning a new language, or going on a solo vacation.
Related: 9 Ways to Move On After Divorce
Resources and Support for Divorcing a Narcissist
The following organizations are great resources for victims of narcissistic abuse.
Keep in Mind
Divorcing a narcissist is not an easy process. However, it is often a better option than remaining in your marriage, especially since there are a lot of support and resources should you choose divorce. With these tools at your disposal, you'll be better prepared for the journey at hand.
Read the original article on Verywell Mind.
