Your Children Know When You're Not OK, So Stop Faking It
There’s a saying that goes, “out of sight, out of mind,” but when it comes to our kids, it’s not always that simple. As a therapist, I’ve witnessed firsthand the struggles parents face in trying to maintain a brave face while dealing with their own mental health challenges. And as a mom myself, there have been plenty of times when I’ve had to wipe away my own tears in the car before stepping into the house, just so I don’t unload my worries onto my kids.
Yet, despite our best efforts to shield them, children have an uncanny ability to pick up on our emotions, even when we think we’re hiding them well. They can sense when something isn’t quite right, no matter how hard you are trying to put on a smile. So, the idea of “faking it” isn’t just futile; it can actually harm both parent and child in the long run.
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Your kids are like little emotional sponges, soaking up everything you do and say. So, when they see you, their superhero parent, have a mini-meltdown over burning the toast or misplacing the car keys, it’s like a light bulb moment for them. “Wait a minute,” they think, “Mom and Dad aren’t invincible after all?”
But here’s the hilarious part: instead of freaking out, they’re actually relieved. They realize that it’s totally normal to have those “argh!” moments and that it’s okay to feel all the feels. They start copying your moves, “deep breath and count to ten” routine and all.
Parents serve as emotional guides for their children, teaching them by example how to recognize, understand, and express their feelings in constructive ways. By modeling authenticity, vulnerability, and emotional intelligence, parents empower their children to develop healthy coping mechanisms and build strong, resilient foundations for life.
Like many other aspects of parenting, discussing mental health challenges with your children requires a delicate touch. Finding the right balance between openness and discretion is key. While honesty is important, it’s equally crucial to consider your child’s age and maturity level before sharing personal struggles. Here are some guides that could help navigate this tricky terrain:
Age-Appropriate Transparency: Younger children may not grasp the complexities of mental health issues. For them, simple and reassuring explanations can be enough, such as, “Mommy isn’t feeling well today, but I’m taking care of myself.” They don’t necessarily need to hear about diagnosis or specific symptoms when they are younger. As they grow older, they can handle more nuanced conversations, provided they are approached with sensitivity and age-appropriate language.
Establishing Boundaries: While honesty is valued, parents must avoid burdening their children with their emotional baggage. Sharing too much information or leaning on children for emotional support can place unnecessary pressure on them, potentially leading to feelings of guilt or anxiety. It’s especially crucial to remember that children should never (EVER!) be put in the middle of issues between their parents. They are not your therapist or best friend; they are your spouse’s children as well. It’s not their responsibility to provide you with marriage counseling, so be wise and keep marital issues between you and your partner.
Modeling Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Parents can use their experiences with mental health struggles as opportunities to model healthy coping mechanisms for their children. This might involve demonstrating self-care practices, seeking professional help when needed, and communicating openly about emotions in a constructive manner.
Use of Resources: Introduce children to age-appropriate books, songs, stories, or cartoons that help explain how mommy or daddy may be feeling. These resources can serve as valuable tools for initiating conversations about parental mental health and normalizing the expression of feelings. By exploring characters or situations that reflect their parents’ experiences, children can gain a deeper understanding of emotions and learn healthy ways to support their parents.
Language Matters: Avoid using derogatory or stigmatizing language like “mommy is crazy” or “daddy is cuckoo” to refer to mental health illnesses. By choosing our words carefully, we can help reduce the stigma surrounding mental health and create an environment where it’s okay to talk openly about how we feel. This teaches children that mental health is a normal part of life and that seeking help when needed is both brave and important.
What About Medication? Just as we reach for medicine when we have a headache or a tummy ache, sometimes mom or dad needs to take medication to help them feel better. The same way a bandage helps a cut heal or glasses help us see better, medication can be a tool to support our mental health. It’s important for children to understand that taking medication, when prescribed by a professional, can be a normal part of managing certain conditions, and it doesn’t change who their parent is. How we frame this information will help foster acceptance and understanding and strengthen the relationship.
Don’t hesitate to seek support if you feel you need guidance on how to approach your mental health with your children from external sources, such as therapists, support groups, or trusted friends and family members. Having a strong emotional support network can provide parents with a safe space to express themselves openly while finding the right balance between vulnerability and boundaries. Remember, it’s okay not to be okay, but it’s also essential to navigate these challenges with sensibility and care for the well-being of the whole family.
Welcome to Family Reset, a monthly column and must-go destination for all parents seeking guidance (and grasping for some sanity) in the wild adventure of raising children. Behind this compelling and candid read is New York psychotherapist, writer, editor, and “mommyyy” Zuania Capó, (or just call her Z), a compassionate, multicultural, and integrative therapist passionate about supporting families to thrive and connect. Armed with a touch of wisdom, insightful tips, a witty spirit, tons of honesty, and a sprinkle of humor, she is here to help you navigate the complexities of parenthood while prioritizing your well-being.
Family Reset is not just a source of advice; it’s a vibrant community where parents can find inspiration, share their stories, and realize they are not alone in the exhilarating roller coaster ride of parenting. Have questions? Want answers? Get ready to hit that reset button and connect with Z at zcmentalhealth@zuaniacapo.com.
Before you go, check out our favorite affordable mental health apps:
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