Avoid these words when you talk to your kids

Words matter, especially when it comes to talking to children. A parent’s word choice can be powerful in shaping a child’s view of themselves, fostering their self-esteem and helping them relate to their surroundings. A recent study that examined the impact of parental language practices offers insight into how language may be influencing children and suggests how parents and other adults could improve in their conversations with kids.

The study, conducted by online language learning marketplace Preply, surveyed more than 1,400 parents across the U.S.

In the study, parents admitted to using these negative words when talking to their children: naughty, spoiled, lazy, selfish, bad, liar and stupid.

Many parents acknowledge room for improvement when it comes to talking to children: About 20% of parents admitted that they regret using this kind of negative language with their children. And 43% are aware of using “gender-stereotyped” language with their children, according to the Preply report. For instance, parents are conscious of being careful when using terms like “pretty” and “beautiful” with daughters, in order to not overemphasize physical appearance; similarly, they are conscious of using words like “brave” and “strong” with boys.

About 40% of parents admitted to changing their language when they talk to children who are not their own and more than 80% of parents said they use threats to discipline their kids, according to the study. Looking back on their own experiences, about 60% of Americans wish their parents spoke differently to them.

“The words we use on a daily basis influence the way we perceive ourselves, others and the world around us. When directed towards others, negative language can harm relationships, lower self-esteem and lead to a dispirited perspective toward life,” Sylvia Johnson, a language expert, told Preply. She urged adults “to be conscious about the language we use, especially when dealing with sensitive beings like children.”

When it comes to offering criticisms, Johnson recommends “gently given correctives or words of encouragement,” which can increase the child’s self-confidence, “promote healthy self-esteem, spark curiosity, and foster resilience. By contrast, harsh words, criticisms or constantly highlighting their mistakes can induce fear of failure, cultivate self-doubt, or stagnate their creativity and eagerness to learn,” according to Preply.

Using language that’s filled with empathy and explanations about the reasons behind our rules and expectations, Johnson explained, will help the child feel understood and respected.

Positive language allows children to feel safe, while frequent scolding can have a detrimental effect on children as they get older, said Darcia Narvaez, a professor of psychology emerita at the University of Notre Dame. “Research indicates that criticism and scolding are forms of emotional abuse, causing social stress which are more negatively impactful on child wellbeing in the long term than physical abuse,” Narvaez told Preply.

Parenting communication styles tend to reflect changes in society, Johnson told Scary Mommy. “As a linguist and a parent to three girls, I see that younger generations have been brought up communicating in an environment that values emotional intelligence, empathy, and mutual respect,” she told a writer for the popular blog. “As parents, and I speak for myself here, we should strive for a style that is responsive, warm, understanding, yet also firm, consistent, and fair. I suggest aiming to create an environment where open communication thrives which leads to strong parent-child relationships and promotes a child’s emotional, social and cognitive development.”