Another Dad Just Accused My Son of Being a Violent Bully. What?

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My kids and I recently were at a playground, where we ran into a school friend of my 5-year-old’s and his family. The two kids happily played together and the parents spoke to me amicably for a few minutes. After a while, I was playing with my 2-year-old when I heard the dad of the family shouting at my 5-year-old. I went over, and he shouted at me that my son had hit his son, and that he was sick of it as it happened “every day” at school also. I was shocked at the yelling but stayed calm, asked his son if he was ok (he seemed fine, thankfully), and responded that I would talk to my son. I did, and my son said they’d been playing a chasing game and he’d hit “by accident” and had apologized. I reprimanded him and asked him to apologize again, so we walked over and he did so, after which the dad yelled at us again. The mom was there also and didn’t say anything.

I am genuinely confused. I see this family quite regularly at school pick up and class parties/events, and the mom has my phone number—they haven’t mentioned this as an issue before and have always been friendly. I also haven’t been informed by school that any such incidents have happened there. At home, my son has never hit in a deliberate way, though he does like pretending to be a Jedi / ninja / superhero, which can require reminders not to be rough. He is resolute that he has never hit or hurt this kid on purpose. He was a bit less sure that he hasn’t accidentally hurt him in play, though could not recall any specific incidents, e.g. where the kid was upset.

I have reminded my son about appropriate behavior and about the consequences if he hits. We have also talked about how accidents/pretend games that go too far can still hurt others and the need to be careful. Other than this I’m a bit at a loss. If my son is picking on another kid, I want to do something about it, but I don’t want him unjustly blamed or scapegoated for typical 5/6-year-old play/accidents. And regardless of which it is, I don’t want him yelled at, or to be yelled at myself, especially as their first recourse. I don’t know if I should have stood up for us more, but I didn’t want to escalate the situation and it was difficult when I did not see exactly what happened.

Should I speak to school and ask them to monitor them more closely? Do I try to talk to the mom? Distance ourselves from this family in general? How do I balance appropriately disciplining my son with protecting him?

—Fight or Flight

Dear Flight,

FIGHT! Just kidding—it absolutely sucks that someone would raise their voice against a kid who isn’t theirs. Given that you haven’t heard reports of this behavior from the school or anyone else, I think we can safely assume that your kid is not a bully. You could certainly call the school or your son’s teachers to check in, but I’m pretty sure you would have gotten word if he was attacking his classmates “every day.” It’s good that you reminded your son about roughness, careful play, etc.—keep sending that message and monitor the situation, but I think you’re safe for now to assume that if anything is going down on the playground, it’s just some typical 5-year-old Jedi enthusiasm.

Now, as for the other dad: Who knows why he popped off like this? It sounds like you did everything you could to reassure him. If that sort of situation happens again, there’s a few things you need to do.. The first and most important thing is to put yourself in between your son and the other father, and reassure your son that you have his back. Ignore the other father and the other kid entirely until you make sure your kid is calm and knows that he is safe. Next, while still keeping yourself physically between the other father and your kid, make sure the other kid is okay, and knows that your son didn’t mean it and is sorry that anything happened. When the kids feel safe and okay, only then do you turn to the other father. You can try telling him to look and see that both kids are alright. And if he continues to be belligerent, ask him to have a word away from the kids, because ultimately it isn’t about you or the other dad, it’s about the kids, and you need to make sure they feel safe.

When it’s just you and the other father, you need to put your foot down. Make it clear that you found his yelling unacceptable, and want to move on amicably. You need to make sure he understands that while the kids may have crossed a line and you are bothered by their behavior, all they need to do is reassure you that it won’t happen again and everyone can go back to having fun. And once that happens, it’s over. If the other father seems like he wants to continue getting loud, you let him take it out on you away from the kids—that’s your job as your son’s protector.

Your kid looks up to you. As long as everyone involved is safe, it doesn’t really matter what else they are doing in the park. Kids this age play a little bit rough. They aren’t fully in control of their still-growing bodies, and they’re bound to stumble, fall, and crash. It sounds like this other dad is overly protective and is allowing his tempter to spill. If you sense that this will be a recurring issue, it’s probably best to keep contact between your boys to a minimum.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

Our 2.5-year-old is moving into a casual hitting phase. He doesn’t do it to hurt; he’ll just hit with his hands and keep hitting, and look at Mom or Dad to watch our eyes carefully while he’s doing it. What’s the best thing you’ve read/heard/tried around hitting at age 2?

—Ouch

Dear Ouch,

First, I understand why you’re concerned, but I personally wouldn’t read into it too much. He’s only 2.5. Everything he’s doing at this age is an experiment. He’s testing his limits both physically and what he can get away with around mom and dad.

I went through a similar phase with my son, who is around the same age as yours. What I did was do everything I could to get his energy out. I’d chase him around the house, set up obstacles for him to climb and jump off of, and lots of dance parties in the kitchen. And when that didn’t work, I act like his punching really hurt me. I made a whining sound and tightly held whatever he punched and pulled away, gently showed him my “boo boo,” and I asked him to kiss it to make it feel better and to promise to not give me or anyone else any boo boos. That helped to stop him from swinging at me in that moment, maybe because we shifted his focus away from punching to taking care of the boo. He still occasionally will get into a mood where he wants to swing wildly at me, but I’ve learned that telling him to stop doing anything at this age will make him want to do it even more. So I’ve gotten him to shift his focus by encouraging him to do things differently.

For example, I ask him to “show me gentle,” and give him something to be gentle with instead of swinging at it. I’ve heard that sometimes it could be productive to give your kids something to get physical with, like a pillow or a drum, but I haven’t tried that because redirecting has worked so well for me. My advice is to encourage him to get his energy out in productive ways, redirect him, and try and teach him to be gentle by making it seem like a challenging thing to do. And trust that this boundary testing phase won’t last forever.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

We have found it to be impossible to find a regular sitter for our toddler. We live too far away from family, so that’s not an option. Every sitter we find ends up just seeming too busy to be reliable. We have tended to use local teens recommended by friends and other parents. Most times, when we’re looking, we text with our three go-to sitters and inevitably (after taking a couple days to respond) they tell us they have other obligations (i.e. sports, after school activities, family plans, etc). Or worse, they’ll initially say yes and then a few days later apologetically reach out saying they’ve realized there’s a conflict. By the time we’ve reached out to everyone and heard no, a full week may have gone by and it’s too late to find someone in time for our plans. Last time this happened, we reached out to people a month in advance and everyone STILL already had stuff on their calendar. Honestly, I just find the whole experience so exhausting that I’d almost rather not bother. Help!

—Help Wanted

Dear Help Wanted,

This does sound exhausting. I’m sorry that you feel like you’re having an impossible time finding someone reliable. It’s tough to be so far away from family. Props to you for being able to pull it off so far! You should feel really great about being able to do all that you have without that kind of regular support. I assume you’re reaching out to local teens because the care professionals on care.com or other babysitter websites are too expensive? But it sounds like teens are just being teens by prioritizing their lives over your needs, even if they’ve agreed to it in advance.

I recommend doing what I do, and that is asking other parents in the area to agree to doing a mutual babysitting pact. I’m in a group chat with four other sets of parents who all have kids around the same age. We generally use it to schedule times to get together, especially on days when schools or daycare is closed. But we also do little bits of babysitting for each other; mostly when the kids go to sleep, someone will drop by and hold down the fort so the parents can go out.

I would try and build a similar network of other parents in your area. I know this could be easier said than done, but I urge you to be up front with other parents about your needs, and I promise you more often than not they will say they are in the same boat and will be happy to set up a mutual assistance thing. Even just one other family to trade care with could go a long way in terms of getting a little time from the kiddos.

—Aymann

My husband and I are expecting our first child, and we’re stuck on one specific debate: We can’t decide on an appropriate schedule for who should get up in the middle of the night with the newborn! I’m worried if we say we’ll trade off, I’ll end up taking on the lion’s share. What should we do?