9 Subtle Signs of Gaslighting That Are Often Easy to Miss, According to Psychologists

Beth Ann Mayer
·7 min read
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Woman observing subtle signs of gaslighting from her coworker

Gaslighting is a popular term these days—hello, it was even Merriam-Webster's 2022 Word of the Year.

"Gaslighting is a pervasive form of manipulation and emotional abuse that frequently generates doubt in the receiver concerning their reality, worth, beliefs and actions," says Dominique Harrison, MPH, LMFT, LPCC, who received her master's in clinical psychology and went on to found The Racial Equity Therapist. "It harshly impairs one’s ability to trust and establish meaningful connections with others."

Yet, even with all the talk of gaslighting, it's inherently challenging to spot because it typically occurs over months or even years.

"It can sneak up on the person on the receiving end before they can really understand what is happening to them," says Dr. Victoria Latifses, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist, founder and CEO of Embodied Psychotherapy.

When people can spot the signs of gaslighting earlier on, it can be validating and healing.

"Clarity about gaslighting behaviors and their emotional and relational effects empowers individuals to protect themselves, access resources and affirm their reality," Harrison says.

Psychologists share easy-to-miss signs of gaslighting. 

Related: 11 Phrases That Emotionally Immature People Often Say, According to Mental Health Experts

9 Subtle Signs of Gaslighting That Are Easy to Miss, According to Psychologists

1. Denying your recollection of events

You distinctly remember saying you wanted burgers for dinner, and your partner comes home with salads instead, denying your request. This behavior happens constantly, even when you have receipts like text messages to back your memories.

"Gaslighters will find subtle ways to insinuate that your recollection of events is faulty," says Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. "The questioning of a memory is a key to gaslighting because it starts to poke questions into your own memories."

You may start saying, "Wait, is that actually how it happened?"

"This often is so subtle that people will say, 'Hm. Maybe you’re right, and I’m misremembering,'" Dr. Goldman says. "This is a sign of effective gaslighting."

Related: 13 Red Flags of Gaslighting at Work and How to Respond, According to Psychologists

2. Charming in public, but not behind closed doors

Gaslighters can throw you for a loop.

"An abuser can act charming in public but behave horribly behind closed doors," Dr. Latifses says. "They may go out of their way to help a neighbor or friend yet refuse to perform a simple act of kindness for their spouse when asked."

As a result, they may be beloved by family, friends and neighbors, making you question whether it's them or you that's the problem—that's the point.

3. Pretending not to understand

Sometimes, something sounds clearer in our heads than when we say it out loud. We may need to rephrase. However, other times, saying, "I don't understand," is a gaslighting tactic, especially if the explanation really was clear (and understood by literally everyone else).

The gaslighter pretends not to understand you or refuses to listen, making you feel isolated or unreasonable," says Dr. Gayle MacBride, Ph.D., LP of Veritas Psychology Partners. "This tactic makes you question your communication skills and the validity of your concerns or ideas." 

Related: Could You Be a Victim of 'Self-Gaslighting'? 5 Signs of the Subtle Form of Self-Sabotage and How To Stop, According to Experts

4. Disguising criticism as "helpful encouragement"

No one is perfect, and constructive criticism can bring people closer. However, not all criticism is fair. Sometimes, it's total gaslighting.

"An abuser may disguise their criticism as helpful encouragement, saying, 'I thought you would want to know' or 'I was just trying to make you better,'" Dr. Latifses says. "Really, it is just an effort to control you."

If the criticism is not helpful, like about your weight or favorite shirt, it's OK to shut it down. Is it chronic? It's an even bigger flag of gaslighting.

Related: 5 Phrases to Counter (Unjustified) Criticism, According to a Therapist

5. Tone policing of emotions and actions

Gaslighting is invalidating at its core.

"Many recipients of gaslighting are invalidated and told that their requests are overly emotional and irrational," Harrison says. "For example, in toxic work environments, women of color, particularly Black women, may be labeled as aggressive for being direct and assertive in their interactions with colleagues."

It can also pop up in romantic relationships.

"Similarly, in romantic relationships, particularly in cis-heterosexual partnerships, the gaslighter criticizes their partner for being 'too sensitive' when expressing their feelings," Harrison says. "Such tone policing behaviors often lead the person being gaslit to question their emotions and how and if they should express themselves."

6. You're always wrong and they're always right.

"This is one of the tell-tale signs of gaslighting," Dr. Goldman says. "You start to question your reality and doubt your own thoughts, feelings and memories. This can happen in instances that are seemingly small, but over time, have a significant impact." 
 
Pretend you distinctly remember telling a person you were going to dinner and a show with the person. You even remember what you were wearing when you said it—that's how strong the memory is. 

"A gaslighting comment would be something like, 'I never agreed to this. You must have misunderstood. We didn’t even have this conversation,'" Dr. Goldman says. "If you insist, then over time, the gaslighter might concede slightly to, 'OK, we had the conversation, but I never agreed to dinner and a show. How could I do that when I already have plans that night?'"

Related: 11 Subtle Signs of Narcissism That Are Easy to Miss, According to Psychologists

7. Strange behavior in front of others

Gaslighters can be charming in public. However, they can also subtly put you down (and give you whiplash). 

"An abuser may be cold to you in front of other people and then suddenly behave lovingly in front of the same people," Dr. Latifses says.  

If you call them on it, Dr. Latifses warns the person might respond, “I don’t know what you are talking about. You are the one with the attitude problem. I have been in a good mood all day. Get it together."

8. Using compassionate language as a weapon

This one can really make you scratch your head.

"They might use affectionate language while subtly undermining you, making it harder to pinpoint the manipulation," Dr. MacBride says. "Shrouding the manipulation in concern makes it difficult to challenge without feeling guilty or ungrateful to the abuser."

For instance, they might say, "I worry about you. You're always getting things mixed up."

Yet, they're the ones with the distorted version of reality.

Related: 7 Tiny Ways Being Gaslit Changes You, According to a Psychologist

9. Love bombing

Gaslighters can come off as incredibly generous, especially in the beginning of a relationship. In fact, you may feel flattered and loved.

"Gaslighters excel at forging intense and enamoring bonds with partners early in the relationship, lavishing partners with gifts, compliments and shared experiences," Harrison says. "However, as the relationship progresses, gaslighters cultivate confusion and shift from more subtle to blatant lies. They also become masterful at withholding information and skillful at denial and selective forgetfulness."

How Do You Shut Down Gaslighting?

Hold firm in what you know to be true. Dr. Goldman suggests saying, “I have my perspective of what happened, and you have yours. You cannot know my thoughts or feelings, just like I cannot assume to know yours. Both of our perceptions can be true.”

"Gaslighters might try to undermine your perspective or question your reality," Dr. Goldman explains. "This type of a statement targets this head-on and shuts down the possibility of further challenging your reality and questioning your thoughts or feelings."

Up Next: 10 Classic Mind Games Narcissists Play in a Relationship, According to Psychologists

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