13 Red Flags of Gaslighting at Work and How to Respond, According to Psychologists
Stressed woman at work after experiencing gaslighting by her boss
The term “gaslighting” is commonly talked about when it comes to relationships. However, that’s not the only place you can experience it. You can encounter it in your career too. In fact, over the years, it’s sadly become more and more common. No matter if you work in the glamorous world of fashion, practice law at a prestigious firm, sell real estate to the stars, dedicate your time to others as a nurse, work at “the happiest place on Earth,” or teach kids for a living, anyone in any type of job can find themselves in a not-so-dreamy situation where a colleague is gaslighting them.
Though, most of the time when someone is a victim of gaslighting, it’s hard to figure it out at first. That’s why we reached out to psychologists Dr. Jaime Zuckerman, Dr. Leslie Dobson, Dr. Noëlle Santorelli and Dr. Thea Gallagher to learn more about the red flags that are associated with it. “More often than not, gaslighting will involve some sort of imbalance of power involving an employee who has either more authority or seniority being the gaslighter,” Zuckerman explains. “This can be a boss, a manager, someone in HR, a board member, an investor, or an employee that has been with the company longer. It can even occur with someone who is your equal, possibly someone in your department, or on your team that you interact with more frequently.”
To learn more about what the subtle gaslighting signs you should look out for are, and what some examples of gaslighting in the workplace can be, as well as find out how you should document it and respond, keep reading. That way, you will be one step ahead of any gaslighter you come in contact with in your life and can stop it before things go too far.
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How Do You Know if You're Being Gaslit at Work?
“It can be hard for most people to recognize gaslighting behaviors because gaslighting is a covert behavior,” Santorelli explains. “The tactics of a gaslighter are purposefully subtle, manipulative and gradual in nature so as to cover up the intent of the person doing the gaslighting.”
Because of this, Santorelli and our other experts say it’s key to be observant and to see if any of your other co-workers have gone through similar experiences to back up and validate your suspicions.
“It could be helpful to discreetly discuss your concerns with trusted colleagues to gauge if they have observed similar behaviors and or to seek their support,” she tells Parade. “You can also see if others may have noticed ‘off’ behavior if the behaviors are overt and consistent.”
What Does Gaslighting Look Like at Work?
Since gaslighting is known to be tricky, our experts say it’s important to pay attention to your feelings and any mental health changes you may have had because sometimes those negative thoughts and emotions are a direct result of your work environment and can be a sign you might otherwise disregard.
“Gaslighting, particularly over time, can erode your confidence in your abilities and independent thinking, which will cause a drop in your work performance, motivation, and decision-making skills,“ Zuckerman tells Parade. “This will also lead you to isolate yourself within the workplace as you’ll become more insecure and confused about how others may perceive you."
It can also lead to second-guessing yourself.
“When gaslighting occurs, you will have feelings of second-guessing yourself on more than one occasion,” Santorelli says. “If you begin to question your reality, your interpretation of events, or your memory of events regularly in one specific environment, like at work, that is a major cause for concern. Feelings of confusion and consistent self-doubt about experiences should not be a regular occurrence. This is particularly important if these feelings are with one specific individual in the workplace."
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13 Red Flags of Gaslighting at Work and How to Respond, According to Psychologists
While there are lots of different situations that can occur at work that fall under the gaslighting umbrella, here's a list that our experts say you should look out for.
1. There Will Be One Person Who’s Never Satisfied with Your Work
While it’s true that you can’t please everyone, if there’s one person who always gives you a tough time no matter what it is you’re doing, then it’s most likely because they are gaslighting you.
“Regular disapproval and dissatisfaction in your performance from primarily one source when you don’t get that feedback from others and haven’t in the past, is a sign of gaslighting,” Gallagher notes. “It’s a red flag because it’s going against what you know to be objectively true about yourself, but powerful enough to impact your sense of self and identity.”
“Another example of a gaslighting scenario at work could be if you wrote a great report that you were proud of, and then a gaslighter leads you to question that it is not good,” Dobson adds.
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2. The Truth Is Being Twisted
“A gaslighter may not always flat-out lie, but they will manipulate the truth to make themselves appear in a better light,” Santorelli says. “When that happens, you may notice that subtle details are changed or eliminated to alter reality just enough to hide blatant accountability on the part of the gaslighter. They are ‘smooth’ at twisting the storyline to make themselves look less at fault.”
This can often happen with someone in a position of power.
“Managers/bosses can use their position of power to manipulate their employees and/or their beliefs, which is gaslighting,” Santorelli points out. “An example of this may be them denying an employee’s experience, or altering the truth oftentimes to get their objectives met, or in order to make themselves look good.”
3. You Get Cut Down by Someone
“Gaslighting is common from colleagues who want to be seen as important, receive extra attention, and therefore get bonuses and promotions,” Dobson notes. “That’s why it’s good to be able to recognize those individuals that appear cutthroat and who are comfortable belittling, demoralizing and cutting down people because to them, the job is more important than a healthy social relationship.”
This can, understandably, make you feel uncomfortable, and that's something to pay attention to.
“If you leave an interaction with someone and you feel negative emotions, like dread, shame, or an ickiness, it may be because they wanted you to feel those things and not be comfortable around them,” Dobson explains.
Gallagher adds, “When you feel like you are constantly failing at work due to the feedback of a superior, it can make you question your performance and ultimately yourself. It can then start to impact other areas of your life because it’s an area where many of us get some sense of purpose and identity."
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4. An Individual Takes Credit for Your Work
“If someone takes credit for your work after they criticize you for it, that’s a sign that they are a gaslighter” says Gallagher.
Zuckerman adds, “In some cases, they may even ask you for assistance with a project, then take credit for your work. Again, this is a way to gain power over you and make you feel inferior. If you end up calling them out for it, they will deny and manipulate the narrative.”
5. You’re Used to Cover Up Someone’s Mistakes
“Some co-workers may gaslight their peers to gain an advantage, or to cover up their own mistakes,” Santorelli tells Parade. “They may use tactics like lying, denying or blaming the victim."
"An example could be if someone is holding you solely responsible for a deal that fell through even though you asked for assistance and help several times throughout the approval process and your requests for help were either denied or ignored,” she adds.
This can also apply to situations when the gaslighter is "making you feel responsible for things that should be shared blame at a minimum," Santorelli explains.
6. A Person Tries to Make You Feel at Fault
“In some situations, a gaslighter may try to make you feel like you’re at fault by telling you to ‘watch your tone of voice’ when there is nothing wrong with how you were speaking,” Zuckerman discloses. “This is a way for the gaslighter to make you feel self-conscious about your professionalism.”
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7. You’re Made to Feel Like You Always Misunderstand
Even if you've previously spoken about specific expectations together, a gaslighter might deny that the conversation ever took place, or immediately explain that you must not have understood what they were actually saying.
Santorelli gives one illustration of what this could look like.
“If you spend more time at work than your contracted hours because you are specifically told by your boss that you will be compensated for the time, and then when you bring it up to them, they deny any memory of this earlier conversation and suggest that you ‘misunderstood’ things (which leaves you to question your memory and recall of events), this is an example of gaslighting,” Santorelli says. “Your boss may even shame you for asking for the compensation that you were previously promised, and that will create even more confusion and negative emotions for you.”
8. A Colleague Uses Information Against You
“One example of gaslighting by a co-worker or your boss is if they end up using what they know about your personal life against you in the workplace,” Gallagher reveals.
9. Going into Your Office Makes You Feel Scared
If you’ve ever woken up and dreaded going to work or felt sick to your stomach because you’re afraid of what your experience might be like that day, chances are you’re working with a gaslighter. “Gaslighters may create a culture of fear in the workplace, making people afraid to speak up or voice their opinions,” Santorelli states.
This can lead to taking more time off than you normally would.
“If your anxiety heightens and your stress causes your cortisol levels to spike due to your work culture, you’ll find yourself starting to take more sick days to avoid being around the gaslighter who is triggering it,” Zuckerman says. “That can be a sign that the change in your mood will unlikely remain confined to work and will undoubtedly bleed over into your personal life as long as you’re there.”
10. You Feel Like Nobody Likes You at Work
Gaslighters are good liars and like to find ways to be in control. One way they can do this is by making someone who is very likable, feel like they are the black sheep of the group and like everyone shares the same opinion of the gaslighter.
“They can make you feel like other people also feel a certain way toward you with no objective data to support that,” Gallagher explains.
This might include spreading rumors and sharing false gossip.
“By spreading rumors about you to others and/or by telling you negative things that others are saying about you that were never actually said, is one way a gaslighter can isolate you from your colleagues and make you feel alone and vulnerable,” Santorelli reveals.
Related: 10 Phrases To Shut Down Workplace Gossip, According to Therapists
11. Your Complaints Aren’t Valued
“In some cases, HR may even be complicit in gaslighting behavior,” Santorelli explains. “An example of this could be if they ignore or minimize complaints you have, or if they always side with the gaslighter instead of the victim when situations are reported.”
12. You May Not Be as Involved at Work as You Were Before
If you’ve always been someone who goes the extra mile and puts in 110% on projects and then that starts to drastically dial back over time while you’re working with or under a particular person, Zuckerman says that might be because of the toxic work situation you’re in.
“Working with a gaslighter can impact your critical thinking skills, creativity, and one’s desire to contribute to important work-related discussions,” she explains.
13. Burnout is Your New Normal
Similarly, even if you're not putting in 110% due to the gaslighter's presence in your day-to-day responsibilities, you likely still feel completely burned out.
“If you are normally excited about work, but an individual has led you to start dreading work, and feelings of burnout start to overwhelm you, they may be gaslighting you,” Dobson suggests. “Emotional manipulation at work can be draining and lead to burnout, such as disinterest in your work productivity, less motivation, depression and detachment from things that you used to be interested in or people used to enjoy.”
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How To Respond to Gaslighting at Work
If you’re not sure what the right way is to deal with gaslighting, you're not alone—a lot of people feel the same way. The good news is that our experts have some tips for you that will help you out.
1. Open Up to Someone You Trust at Work
“Find someone you trust at work. Ask them about the gaslighting events in question. Then, see if they notice this behavior too. If there is no one at work you feel you can trust, find someone outside of work. Run the events in question by them as an outside party. This can also include going to Human Resources with your evidence,” Zuckerman says.
2. Stick Together
“When you find yourself in a toxic work environment, it is important to maintain healthy and strong relationships with colleagues, so that the gaslighter cannot split you from other’s views, or alter people’s perceptions of you,” Dobson tells Parade.
3. Do Not Confront Your Gaslighter
“It is not wise to confront your gaslighter,” Zuckerman states. “It is highly unlikely they will substantiate your claims. In fact, it is almost guaranteed that they will either become argumentative, dismissive or increase their toxic behavior towards you. The best thing to do is disengage from them as much as your job allows.”
How Do You Document Gaslighting at Work?
Documenting things that happen may seem overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s all about knowing how to go about it in the right way.
“Literally keep track of every interaction as objectively as you can,” Gallagher suggests, explaining that you can do so by bringing other people into meetings and emails, expanding the people you work with and finding a mentor you can open up to when you’re in a tricky gaslighting situation.
Zuckerman agrees, adding, “I always tell people to make sure everything is in writing, and to blind copy yourself on emails with the gaslighter as well so you have proof it was sent. You can also print out all emails, so you have hard copies as well. If necessary, you can even blind copy another coworker, boss or someone from human resources. If you have a meeting with the person gaslighting you, you can also try to schedule it over Zoom so you can record it, and whenever possible, have a third party present when you’re with them.”
Once you start doing those things, Gallagher and Zuckerman say you’ll be able to begin building proof of all of the gaslighting instances you have been involved with. It might not be ideal, but as Dobson tells Parade, “It is key to have evidence in gaslighting cases” because otherwise, nothing will likely be done about it.
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