11 Signs You Might Have a Toxic Friend (& What to Do About It), According to Therapists
Whether it’s your first buddy from kindergarten who you still keep in touch with (but who drains your energy every time you get together) or your roommate from college who somehow makes every conversation about her, you suspect you might be dealing with a toxic friend. Toxic patterns vary from person to person, but generally, toxic behavior is characterized by criticism, control, manipulation and guilt. For example, if your friend consistently shames you for prioritizing time with your own family over time with her, and if this has been an ongoing pattern for as long as you can remember, you might be dealing with a toxic person. I reached out to psychologist Lauren Phillips to learn more about what a ‘toxic person’ is, what constitutes a toxic friendship and how to cope if you’re in one.
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What Does It Mean for a Person to Be ‘Toxic?’
Phillips cautions, “To say that a person is toxic is to reduce them to only bad qualities and dismiss any redeeming qualities or strengths. When we understand that ‘hurt people hurt people,’ we can more aptly identify the unhealthy aspects of a relationship that aggravate or even trigger us.” She tells me that someone’s consistent struggles with interpersonal relationships likely point to significant, unhealed wounds from previous relationships that are vulnerable in current relationships. “These wounds may become sensitive parts of the relationship and evoke insecurity. A person may react to feelings of insecurity with avoidance, withdrawal, anger and aggression—either verbal or physical, going into over-drive to try to please or a combination of behaviors.” She continues that even when a person recreates unhealthy dynamics over and over, they’re not wholly toxic. “Instead of labeling people as ‘toxic,’ which concludes they are the issue and exonerates the other person in the relationship, we can understand that a person has wounds that are so painful for them that they are inflicting vicarious pain on others.” Abrishami adds, "While toxic is not technically a psychological term, it can be a helpful descriptor for identifying people or things that are serving as barriers to a more positive, peaceful life."
What Is a Toxic Friendship?
“A friendship becomes toxic when it is overtaken by insecurity and becomes a minefield of emotional triggers,” Phillips tells me. “While each person has points of insecurity, how people navigate their own and others’ sensitive parts and account for them determines the integrity of the friendship.” She explains that friends may find themselves in unhealthy dynamics in which they feel like the worst version of themselves with someone. “This may mean overthinking more and feeling more insecure, more self-doubting, more self-critical, more critical of the friend, more reactive or more shut down.” Recognizing these signs, Phillips warns, can signal that it is time to bring up the behaviors and to set new boundaries.
9 Signs of a Toxic Friend
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1. Everything Is an Absolute
In a toxic friendship, Phillips tells me, situations and individuals are thought of as all-good or all-bad. “This creates absolutes and wittles down the room for mistakes, which creates shame and defensiveness within the friendship,” she says. “For example, statements such as ‘You never listen to me’ or ‘I feel like you’re always on your phone’ blame the other person for the problem.” This, she explains, creates conflict instead of addressing the problem. Instead of saying “You’re always on your phone,” lead with a question like, “What are you up to?” which Phillips says invites discourse. “By leading with curiosity, the friend who is feeling hurt holds onto the possibility that maybe the other friend is responding to a pressing matter and encourages that friend to communicate.” Leading with curiosity, she shares, addressed the issue in a soft and patient way that helps the friend realize they’re ignoring their company.
2. You Feel Like They Rely on You for Everything
Phillips stress to me that one person cannot be someone’s everything; one person cannot always be available to someone. “To have healthier friendships, a friend has to trust themself to stand on their own two feet and trust others to stand on theirs,” she says. “Of course, people can lean on each other for support…A friendship needs a strong sense of trust: trust that each person can hold their own, trust that each person will be there for the other andtrust that each person understands that the other has their own life and will show up as is possible.” She adds that understanding that your friends have their own lives honors the separate individuals that are coming together in friendship and creates space for both to have their respective needs.
3. Boundaries Are Unclear or Disrespected
“A friendship becomes toxic when each friend is not treated as an autonomous, separateperson,” Phillips says. “Boundaries identify what someone needs and how fused or separate they are from another. Demands, however, are rigid instructions of what and how to be.” She gives the example of a friend setting a boundary to say, “I feel unsafe when I am screamed at.” In saying this, she tells me, you’re speaking to your emotional need to feel safe and how another person can meet this emotional need. “Notice: This is different from saying ‘I feel unsafe when you scream at me,’ which directly draws the recipient into the emotional need and assumes a fusion, regardless of how keen the recipient is,” she clarifies. “By setting the boundary appropriately, the individual who is hurting is communicating to the other person what they need to maintain engagement. If this need is unmet or disregarded, the person who has set the boundary can decide how to proceed: ending the conversation there and revisiting it later, taking space from the friendship or assessing if the friendship is one they wish to continue in.”
4. They Only Show Up When They Need or Want Something
Abrishami tells me a toxic friend is not consistently there for you. "Instead, they are only around when it suits their needs, or simply when they deem it convenient," she explains, giving the example of someone who rarely reaches out to you when something big is happening in your life, but when they’re going through something, they text and call you constantly.
5. Their Apologies Are Never Sincere
Have you ever expected an apology from someone and ended up apologizing to them? Classic red flag. Let’s say your friend blew off the brunch plans you had last Saturday. When you confront him about it, he dives into a long story about how he got into a huge fight with the guy he’s dating that morning and he doesn’t think he’ll ever find his soulmate, and it’s all his parents’ fault for getting divorced when he was 5. You want to be there for him, it’s just…he’s always having a crisis. And weren’t you just talking about brunch? Shifting tactics and turning himself into the victim is toxic territory.
6. They Make You Feel Worse
A good friend is supposed to make you feel your best; a toxic friend does the opposite, Abrishami says. If this person is consistently making you feel insecure, uncertain or uncomfortable, not good. If you have knots in your stomach before or after seeing them, not good. If they minimize your accomplishments, not good. "If you consistently feel worse after interacting with this friend, then they may be toxic," she notes.
7. It’s Always About Them
You just got off a 45-minute phone call with your college bestie only to realize that she didn’t ask you a single question about your life or how you’re doing. It’s one thing if she was dealing with an important issue or had some exciting news, but if this happens pretty much every time you talk, the relationship could be toxic.
8. Each Person’s Needs Are Not Met (or Are Disregarded)
Setting a clear boundary and having the other persondisregard it is a sign of a toxic friendship. Phillips explains that this disregard may demonstrate a lack of emotional capacity to hold the other’s feelings. “It is OK for an individual to be at their limit,” she says. “When they are, they are responsible for communicating that. The other is responsible for deciding whether they are willing to stay in a friendship in which the other person cannot hold their feelings or if they would both be better off taking a break until they have more space for each other.” If the disregarding of a boundary is a continued pattern, it may demonstrate a lack of investment in the other’s well-being—which defies the definition of a friendship.
9. They’re an Incessant Gossiper
A little bit of gossip never hurt anyone, but there’s a difference between harmless chitchat and something more sinister. You know the friend: After approximately 30 seconds of small talk, the convo turns to status updates about all the moms in your mom group and the ins and outs of their personal lives. Sure, it’s intriguing to know what may (or may not) be going on in the group, but after a while, it feels gross and mean-spirited—and also serves as a reminder that you probably have better things to do with your time.
10. When Confronted, They Tell You You’re Overreacting
Hello, gaslighting. As a quick refresher, gaslighting is a communication technique in which someone causes you to question your own version of past events. Many toxic people use gaslighting to maintain some sort of control over the people around them. Let’s say you were upset that a friend bailed on the summer BBQ you were excited to host (after promising she’d be there). When you call her out, she tells you that she doesn’t understand why you’re so upset. Saying “you’re making too big a deal out of this” is grade-A toxicity.
11. Trust Is Broken and Growth Is Limited
“Of course, friends may have conflicts from time to time,” Phillips admits. “The work to resolve the conflictsand the outcome of the conflicts often is more important than the conflict itself.” If a friend apologizes and repeats the same mistake over and over, they might be struggling to understand what the other person needs—and may not be able to meet that need. “This weakens the trust in the relationship, as one person cannot trust the other to regard and protect them (even from themself),” she continues. “It also makes giving each other the benefit of the doubt very difficult, as it becomes harder and harder to trust someone’s intentions or judgment. As such, repeatedly broken trust with no real growth creates a toxic friendship that leaves one or both friends feeling insecure and emotionally unsafe.”
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How Toxic Friendships Affect You
"Positive friendships should help you grow upwards, but toxic friendships drag you down," Abrishami warns. "Toxic friendships may drain you of your energy and even your resources, like a friend who often borrows money but rarely pays you back." Phillips explains that toxic friendships can create emotional burnout. Emotional burnout, she tells me, “Drains energy, limits a friend’s frustration toleration for the other and creates compassion fatigue in which a friend struggles to feel any more empathy for the other. All of this would make continuing the friendship extremely difficult, which may create added stress.”
How to Deal with a Toxic Friend
1. Let Them Know How You Feel
If you're noticing toxic behavior in a friend, Abrishami says it's important to clearly communicate your feelings to them. "Let them know how their actions make you feel and what can be done differently in the future to fix the problem. Allow them to freely respond to the feedback." If, when confronted with your qualms, they attack, blame you or offer lipservice, the friendship might not be worth continuing, she says.
2. Don’t Stoop to Their Level
When she starts ragging on that mom from school, resist the urge to jump in (we know—it can be tempting). Instead, offer a neutral response and pivot to a new subject. Once she realizes you’re not interested in joining her bad-mouthing bouts, she’ll probably start looking to do it elsewhere. Hopefully, your dismissal will also signal that her behavior is not normal, nice or appreciated.
3. Focus on the Good Stuff
Her incessant whining about how she’s never going to find a husband makes her a pretty irritating companion for brunch. But maybe you share a mutual love of art and enjoy your trips to museums together. To preserve the friendship, accept the fact that it may simply need to evolve (or devolve) into a different kind of friendship as you grow in different directions. Not every friendship has to be a best friendship, and it’s OK to adjust the terms of your relationship according to how it benefits you both.
4. Know When the Relationship Is Beyond Repair
Especially if you’ve been friends since childhood, it can be difficult to accept that, sometimes, a friendship has run its course and is no longer healthy. If you’ve always felt like you become your worst self when you’re around a particular pal, it might be worth ending the relationship altogether. While it can be incredibly difficult to cut a cherished person out of your life, there’s no shame in doing so—especially if it feels like you’ve tried everything. Abrishami tells me, "While compassion towards others is important, I often see clients giving toxic people too many chances, which can lead to years of agony. Channel your limited time and energy towards people who lift you up."
