8 People Share How Their Divorce Changed Their Life for the Better

Jenna Ryu
·9 min read

Marie Bertrand/Getty Images

Divorce is no longer the social taboo it was in Bridgerton times. These days, it’s pretty common: In the U.S., more than 600,000 marriages ended in 2022 alone, and you probably know someone who’s been through it (or whose parents separated). But that doesn’t mean the stigma is a thing of the past.

Plenty of TV shows, for instance, still paint divorced people in a negative light: As lonely failures (like Steve from And Just Like That) or bitter, obsessive exes (à la DeDe from Modern Family). And in some cultures and religious communities, breaking the sacred vow of marriage can be considered a decision worthy of dishonor.

Beyond this social stigma, though, research shows that some divorced folks struggle with internalized shame (tied to feeling like a “bad” parent, for example), which can erode their confidence and prevent them from pursuing other relationships and even career opportunities.

While it makes sense that the end of a marriage can do a number on your mental health, the reality is that going through a divorce takes courage and resilience—and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Don’t just take our word for it, either. Here, eight people open up about why their divorce wasn’t the end of their world—and how it sparked the beginning of a better, much happier life, instead.

No one was holding me back anymore, so I could finally advance my career.

“Divorce wasn’t something I wanted to do. He was my everything, and it took me two years to finally wrap my head around the idea of leaving. But oh my God, this experience changed me.

It unlocked things I never knew I could do, like dealing with confrontation in a healthy way and living in the present. It’s funny, because I started a business while I was pregnant, but I closed it due to personal issues related to my marriage. Now, I’ve added another business to my roster. I feel so free—which I always wanted while I was married—and now I’m unstoppable.

Divorce is necessary sometimes. I’d rather be single and figure out co-parenting than yelling and receiving nasty stares. For me, this is a new beginning, a new chapter.”—Ana M.

For the first time, I found an identity beyond just being someone’s husband.

“I married my high school sweetheart when I was 21. We were married for 16 years and, truthfully, it should’ve ended at year 12. I knew it was over when marriage counseling was ineffective because I was the only one trying. It was time to go.

Telling my kids—having to look them in the eyes and say, ‘Mommy and Daddy are getting a divorce’—was the hardest and worst day of my life. The first week away from my children was incredibly painful, because for the first time in 20 years, I was alone and didn’t know what to do with myself. The kids weren’t running upstairs. The house was so quiet.

That’s when I realized, I did not know who I was. I had no identity other than being a husband and father for the past 20 years. So, I decided to pursue my interests: I’ve always loved comic book movies, and volunteering at a local comic con allowed me to meet new people. I started a movie review channel on YouTube, where I posted videos on a regular schedule. (This actually helped me get a new job title and higher paying salary.) Finally, I loved what I did for a living. I loved who I was, the new friends I’d made, and the world that was in front of me.”—Rudy A.

Leaving a toxic relationship helped me learn that I deserve a healthier one.

“We married young and had three children. There was infidelity and other toxic things that I dealt with for years. We separated a few times, and I usually took him back, but the last time was different: I noticed that I actually felt at peace without him. It was over. I was done.

Since then, I’ve been able to focus on bettering myself, instead of dealing with his drama. I also met an amazing man (I recently got engaged!). In the earlier years of marriage, I did feel like I was expected to stay and work things out for the kids. I definitely don’t believe that now. It’s better to remove yourself—and your children—from an unhealthy situation.”—Brandi S.

It led me to the true love of my life.

“Honestly, I didn’t want to get married to begin with. My ex was very controlling with a bad temper, and I was a people pleaser. I tried to call off the engagement multiple times (the key word is ‘tried’), and I remember standing at the wedding altar, thinking, ‘If this doesn’t get better, divorce is an option.’

Ending my marriage is when my life STARTED. Was it hard at times? Absolutely, but I was unhappy, a mere shell of a human, and miserable. I knew I would rather struggle as a single mom than remain in the situation I was in.

Since the separation, I went to therapy. I started eating in a way that felt good and working out. I made new friends and chose to embrace life as one grand adventure. I also learned what I do (and don’t) want in a relationship. I’m currently with the absolute love of my life who continues to amaze me (we got engaged in March!). Everything improved—my physical health, mental health, career, social life. I feel like I can take on anything.”—Deb O.

My solid support system helped me see how incredibly loved I am.

“I got divorced a little over nine years ago. My ex left me with no choice: During my marriage, he was cheating on me with multiple women, and I was in disbelief that someone I knew for years had done this to me.

Honestly, it took me a long time to heal from the betrayal, but my friends and family are the ones who really got me through this tough situation and made me feel loved. I come from a very progressive family, and they were all so supportive of my decision. This (and therapy) helped me overcome all the pain.

Looking back now, this process has been very liberating. I feel like I have a second chance at life, and I can start all over—almost like a rebirth. I’m much more confident and have rebuilt my self-esteem, and finally, I’m enjoying the smallest moments of my life again.”—K.T.

I learned how to find happiness and confidence on my own, instead of depending on others.

“Leading up to the divorce, my ex-wife and I had many issues, the main one being constant infidelity on her part and a complete lack of trust. I also wanted custody of our son (which I knew would be a huge battle, but it was a non-negotiable for me), and I worried about the stigma of being divorced and how it’d affect my life going forward.

During the divorce, I learned through counseling that I was (and am) enough. I also learned that I have to do things to make myself happy and not rely on others to provide that for me. So, I gradually became more positive. I started meditating, which helped with my anxiety and calmed my mind. I grew more self-confident, too, and overall just discovered the ‘me’ that I always wanted to be but completely lost in my marriage.

There’s a new life waiting for you on the other side of divorce—I’m living proof of that. In fact, I wouldn’t change a thing that I went through to get to this point of peace and happiness.”—Todd W.

Divorce allowed me to have some fun with dating and to explore my sexuality.

“Everything changed after my divorce. Before, so much of my life was lived through the lenses of others: I was making choices based on what I thought I should do, rather than having the courage to live in the ways that felt most authentic to me.

This fresh start gave me the space and time to figure out my identity, like playing with a new hairstyle, for example, or experimenting with my fashion choices. I started dating for fun and connections (and not with the goal of marriage). Throughout this experience, I also realized I am queer, so I got to immerse myself in that world, too.

My biggest fears towards the end of my marriage were about not being able to live without my partner. What if I can’t find someone who will love me and accept me? But now, I’ve seen love take shape in so many meaningful ways with my romantic—and platonic—partnerships.”—Stephanie C.

I no longer have to sacrifice big parts of myself.

“I didn’t get married with the expectation of getting divorced. I did—and still do—love my ex and hope for his happiness. But we married young, and when our visions for the future didn’t align, we kept trying to make things work by sacrificing big parts of ourselves in hopes of making the other happy. Eventually, we understood that for both of us to feel fulfilled, it was better to move on.

While initially heartbroken, I’ve been able to reflect on the past three years and see how much more myself I feel. I moved from my home state and now live in my dream city. I’m pursuing my career with a different kind of freedom, which I can confidently say wouldn’t be the case if I were still living my old life.

Divorce is absolutely not a failure. To me, it’s actually a failure to go through life unhappy when you have the power to change your circumstances. This is the bravest thing I’ve done, and I’ve learned not to let negative comments surrounding that stigma get me down.”—Samantha M.

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Originally Appeared on SELF