70 Sex Questions to Ask Your Partner Before Your First Time
Stephen Zeigler
Deciding to have sex for the first time can be a big deal. Not the kind of big deal it’s painted as in abstinence-only sex education spaces, mind you — you’re not signing your name in the devil’s book here. But having sex for the first time can be a way to learn all kinds of new things about yourself, from your likes and your preferences to new layers of your sexuality or gender identity.
Having sex with a partner for the first time, of course, also involves a whole other person. And whether this is someone you’re in a long-term relationship with or a partner of the more casual stripe, you’re probably wondering what sex with this person is going to be like. Some of your sex questions, from what position is best for first-time sex to how to know if you orgasm, can be answered by the experts. But for a lot of the big sex questions for couples (or a couple of people!), you’ll need to go to the source. That means having an open conversation about sex with the person you plan to have it with.
If you’re worried the conversation could get awkward, know that talking about sex with someone you want to do it with — even when it comes to asking more serious questions about sex — is more likely to feel, well, sexy. Sex questions can help build excitement and anticipation (after all, it’s not like you’re scheduling a dentist appointment here!) and make the act itself more enjoyable. That’s because good sex questions don’t just cover the basics of sex safety and comfort levels; they’re also about pleasure and connection, and understanding what helps both you and your partner experience those things.
If you’re ready to dig into some questions about sex to ask your partner, keep scrolling. We’ll hear first from sexperts about the sex questions it always makes sense to ask, whether it’s your first-ever time having sex or your first time doing it with this person. And once we’ve covered the foundational sex questions, we’ll switch over to some sex questions to ask that are just for fun, too — because sex should be fun!
In this article, find:
10 sex questions to ask your partner before your first time
1. When was your last STI test and which STIs were you tested for? Have you been sexually active with anyone since then?
If you learn that neither you nor the person you plan to have sex with has been recently tested for STIs, it’s a good idea to do that before engaging in any sexual activity. (Remember, STIs are passed from more than just penetrative sex!) Suzannah Weiss, sex educator and resident sexologist at Fleshy, says that STI-testing talk doesn’t need to invite shame. If one of you ultimately is found to have an STI, you can consider your next steps together.
“If either of you has an STI, it’s helpful to explain how it affects you and what you can do to prevent it from being transmitted,” Weiss says. “Try to be non-judgmental if someone confides in you that they have an STI, since this takes courage, but also stick to your own boundaries and express if there’s anything you don’t feel comfortable with.”
2. Is there anything you aren’t comfortable with doing sexually right now?
You get to have things you don’t want to do in the bedroom, period. But sometimes, that can feel scary to communicate. Asking about your partner’s sexual comfort levels in a way that emphasizes where those levels are at this moment may help take some of the pressure off. No one is having to answer whether they’d ever want to try a certain sex act — just whether they’re interested in trying it right now. Some things that could be “off-limits,” Weiss says, include “the use of certain words or acts like nipple pinching, biting, or hair pulling.”
3. During sex, how will we let each other know if something feels off or if we want to stop?
Learning each other’s boundaries before sex is important. But you also need to be ready to check in on how things are feeling during sex, too. Certified sex therapist Aliyah Moore, PhD, suggests framing this sex question as: “How do you prefer to communicate during sex if something doesn't feel right?” For some people, that may involve choosing different safe words for “slow down” or “stop.” For others, a simple “how do you like that?” or “how does it feel when I (insert verb)?” during sex can feel sexy while also providing a chance to verbally affirm how the sex is going.
4. What does safe sex look like for us?
Remember that safe sex covers both pregnancy and STI prevention. For the former, if relevant to the kind of sex you’re having, Weiss says to “ask your partner what they do and also share what you’re willing to do to prevent pregnancy in order to get on the same page.” If your partner is uncomfortable with a certain type of contraceptive — Weiss points out that “not everyone can tolerate hormonal birth control,” for example — then explore alternatives. If nothing else, a condom, when used correctly, will do the trick.
And as far as STI prevention goes, talk about which option — whether that’s condoms, dental dams, or PrEP — makes the most sense for you. As part of this, you’ll also want to ask: are you currently being sexually active with anyone besides me? Rather than being accusatory, this honest sex question is meant to help you understand what amount of risk you’re taking on with direct sexual contact. And you deserve to know that!
5. What turns you on? Do you have any fantasies?
Rhiannon John, a health educator and Sexologist at Bedbible.com, says this realm of sex questions — and we’ll recommend more related ones later — can be “a lot of fun to ask, and can even serve as foreplay for some people.” Learning more about your partner’s specific turn ons can also help “eliminate the guesswork during sex,” she adds, making the experience “less awkward for both partners.”
6. What’s your favorite way to be touched?
Even if this will be your first time having sex, you may already have a sense of where your body’s erogenous zones — or areas you get extra pleasure from — are. (FYI, these zones aren’t just limited to the vagina or the penis; they can be found on places like your neck, scalp, and inner wrist, too!) Devishi Mittal, a psychologist and sexual wellness therapist at Allo Health, says that learning your partner’s thumbs-up zones and understanding how, specifically, they like to be touched “shows a willingness to learn and adapt to each other’s needs and desires.” Be sure to ask not only where your partner likes to be touched, but what kind of touch feels best to them, too, whether that’s a gentle stroke or something a bit firmer.
7. Is there anything that would feel good for us to do before or after sex?
A good, healthy sexual experience often isn’t just what comes during sex, but what happens before and after it, too. Weiss defines the latter, often referred to as “aftercare,” as “any gesture after sex to help put the person at ease” and says that examples can include “cuddling, words of affection, or getting you a drink or a snack.”
8. Do you have any allergies or sensitivities to products like latex or lubricants?
This sex question may feel a bit clinical, but considering about 4.3% of people have a latex allergy, it’s important not to overlook it! Many condoms and dental dams are latex-based, meaning that if either you or your partner does have an allergy, you’ll want to buy a latex-free alternative. “Knowing about any allergies or sensitivities can prevent allergic reactions and ensure that the sexual experience is pleasurable for both partners,” Mittal says.
9. What does having sex mean for our relationship or dynamic?
Even if you’re having sex outside of a monogamous relationship and intend for it to be casual, this may not be how the other person sees it (or vice versa).
“Get clear on what each of you are expecting out of the relationship before you have sex,” Weiss says. “Sometimes, one person will have sex with the expectation that the connection is developing into a relationship, while the other will see it as casual sex. To avoid getting hurt later, have a conversation now about what each of your expectations are and what the sex means to each of you.”
10. Are you nervous about anything?
Nicole Prause, PhD, a sexual psychophysiologist and licensed psychologist, says that getting vulnerable with this sex question can ultimately help you both get even more enjoyment out of the experience. “It would be bizarre for new partners…to have zero concerns about body image, emotions, friendships, infection risk, and other things that sex can impact,” Prause says, adding that “displays of vulnerability like this give you both more space to pause or stop” if you need a break in the moment.
40 fun sex questions to ask your partner
Now that we’ve covered some of the essential sex questions to ask your partner before having sex with them for the first time, it’s time to move onto some of our favorite just-for-fun sex questions. Asking these sex questions for couples can help you set the mood and get to know each other’s likes, tastes, and preferences more, which is only going to make your connection — and the sex itself — better. Ready to make some new discoveries about your partner?
1. What’s your favorite part of my body?
2. What’s your favorite part of your body?
3. What’s the sexist thing you’ve seen me wear?
4. What’s something you find sexy that you’d like to see me wear?
5. What do you feel sexy wearing?
6. What are your thoughts on dirty talk?
7. Have you ever had a sex dream about me? What happened?
8. Who was the first celebrity you ever felt sexually attracted to?
9. Do you have any sex toys?
10. Do you want to try using a sex toy together?
11. What’s your favorite kind of foreplay?
12. Do you ever watch porn?
13. What kind of porn do you like to watch?
14. What’s your biggest sexual turn-off?
15. How do you feel about mutual masturbation?
16. How do you feel about sexting?
17. What’s your favorite place to be kissed?
18. How do you feel about anal play?
19. What’s the most adventurous thing you’d like to try?
20. Do you like being spanked?
21. How do you feel about having sex in front of a mirror?
22. What’s a sexual skill you’d like to learn?
23. What’s something non-sexual that unexpectedly turns you on?
24. What’s a turn-on you’ve never shared with me?
25. Do you prefer slow and sensual touch or fast and rough?
26. How do you feel about phone sex?
27. Do you like receiving or giving hickeys?
28. How do you feel about sex in water, like a pool or in the shower?
29. What’s something kinky you’d like to try together?
30. What can I do to help you finish during sex?
31. Do you have a favorite way to orgasm?
32. How do you feel about using restraints or blindfolds?
33. What kind of music puts you in the mood?
34. Do you have a favorite sexy playlist? Can we make one together?
35. How do you feel about trying out erotic literature or audio together?
36. Would you enjoy having your hair pulled?
37. What’s a prop that could be fun for us to use during sex?
38. How do you feel about using flavored lubricants?
39. What’s your favorite movie sex scene and why?
40. What are three things that should go on our sex bucket list?
20 Never Have I Ever sex questions
Fans of playing Never Have I Ever likely already know that it’s ripe for sex questions. And framing your questions about sex this way may help things feel a little less intimidating and a lot more playful, too. Let the games begin!
1. Never have I ever sent a nude photo.
2. Never have I ever had a sex dream about someone other than my partner.
3. Never have I ever been caught in the act.
4. Never have I ever watched porn with a partner.
5. Never have I ever hooked up with someone I met that day.
6. Never have I ever used a sex toy.
7. Never have I ever had a friends-with-benefits relationship.
8. Never have I ever given or received a lap dance.
9. Never have I ever had a crush on a friend's partner.
10. Never have I ever been attracted to someone much older.
11. Never have I ever had a sexting conversation.
12. Never have I ever sent a flirty text to the wrong person.
13. Never have I ever had a sexy nickname.
14. Never have I ever showered with someone.
15. Never have I ever had a sex dream about a friend.
16. Never have I ever given or received a sexy strip tease.
17. Never have I ever hooked up in a car.
18. Never have I ever role played.
19. Never have I ever made out with someone in a very public place.
20. Never have I ever fantasized about a coworker.
Originally Appeared on Teen Vogue
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