5 Ways to Ask Your Partner for Space, According to a Relationship Coach

"It's not you, it's me."

Dating culture tends to have a centralized point of view that our partner is the most important relationship in our lives. In reality, the relationship with ourselves is the most important. Even in our most committed partnerships, having a bit of “me time” is crucial so we can show up for others as our fullest selves.

The trick is knowing how best to get some alone time without hurting our partner’s feelings. Contrary to popular belief, asking for space isn’t a precursor to a breakup or because someone is being too much. Needing space can actually be one of the healthiest requests we can make in our relationship.

Here’s how to ask your partner for space without offending them, and why time apart can be psychologically positive for the connection.

Related: How to Date Yourself (And Why You Should)

Define What Space Means

A recent scientific study highlights the benefits of spending time alone, citing improved emotional regulation, self-connection, autonomy, and inner peace. When you're feeling the pull toward solitude, be open and specific with your partner about your exact need for space. If too vague, emotions can spiral. This can look like asking to spend time alone with friends, taking an hour to yourself each night, or reserving Sunday mornings for baths without interruptions.

Takeaway

Taking time apart is an invitation for reconnection to the self. Space doesn’t have to be for days or weeks–although it can. Space can be for a night, a few hours, or even a little bit of time throughout the day just for you. By being proactive, it can mitigate resentment and passive-aggressive behavior where you might act out to find your sense of self again. When you’re around your partner and feeling nitpicky about their quirks and habits, it’s helpful to pause and examine the story behind your judgment. 

Often, unnamed frustration may bubble up when your personal needs aren’t being met instead of something they’re directly causing. If you’re feeling irritable or low in energy because of a lack of personal time, address these feelings head-on to help regain your vitality. Remember, taking space isn’t about getting away from your partner. It’s about prioritizing yourself and maintaining your individual well-being with the activities you love.

Proactively Manage Insecurities

It’s completely valid to seek time for yourself, just as it’s valid for your partner to feel sad, rejected, or confused by your request. These negative emotions may signal underlying insecurities and outsized feelings of confusion. While taking space can be healthy, the vulnerability of intentionally creating physical distance may unconsciously trigger past wounds of abandonment, trust, and self-love that require attention.

It’s crucial to build up each other’s security and co-create clear expectations regarding communication and contact during this time apart. You can be upfront about your needs while acknowledging your responsibility to still take care of them too. Discuss how often you’ll check-in, the amount of space needed, and what form of communication feels most comfortable for the both of you.

As you’re discussing your desires for personal space, carve out equal time for them to discuss any fears that may come up. Having these conversations enables an active cultivation of a healthy relationship together, showing that space is not a reflection of dissatisfaction, but a bid to increase closeness. By addressing needs honestly, you can navigate this phase with greater intimacy, understanding, and compassion.

Related: What Does Secure Attachment Look and Feel Like? Plus How to Develop It

Make Your Care Extra-Special During Time Apart

Before you can ask for space without causing concerns, trust must already have been established through consistent actions and communication that demonstrate your investment in the partnership. Only then can you effectively prove that alone time can be positive for the relationship and for your individual growth.

During periods of intermittent separation, bridge the emotional distance. Stay connected even when you’re physically apart by expressing your love and care in meaningful ways. For example, if your partner finds reassurance in receiving good morning texts when you're not reaching out over the weekend, offer these gestures with sincere enthusiasm. When you see them again, surprise them with a date filled with their favorite activities for special quality time.

Other examples to show your thoughtfulness look like sending them just-because flowers or delivering their favorite food order to their place. Whatever it is, these gestures are a representation that they’re still on your mind. As you both become more confident in setting boundaries, alone time won’t be a cause of concern but an essential aspect of your relationship.

Help Your Partner Connect To Alone Time Too

Taking space flows both ways. Chances are, if you’re looking for alone time, it’s likely your partner could use that same time to connect back to themselves, their hobbies, and friends too. By framing alone time as a positive act of enjoyment, you can both pursue your interests with pleasure.

Your partner may have a house project they’ve been meaning to tackle, a new book they’re excited to read, or a television show they can enjoy alone. You can encourage them to take up these activities and show your partner that you value their unique passions and overall happiness.

By doing so, there’s a recognition that taking care of your deepest emotional needs is a responsibility shared in the relationship. Alone time serves as a reminder of this irrefutable fact, as it enables you to center yourself and your individuality above all else.

Create Desire Through Distance

The law of polarity speaks to the duality of the universe where everything has an opposite reaction. Good to bad. Yin to yang. A positive to a negative. Two opposing energies with tension in between to create magnetism.

Takeaway

When partners depolarize each other’s magnetism by becoming too close and taking on similar qualities and characteristics, the energy can feel flat. Marriage therapist Esther Perel astutely pointed out that too much closeness stifles desire because desire craves distance so wanting can exist. Adding space back to the connection allows for enriching experiences, new perspectives, and select privacy to thrive.

Being overexposed to a relationship can make it harder to appreciate your partner. They’re no longer the brilliant, sexy partner you fell for but rather the person who can’t put away their laundry properly, which drives you nuts. However, when they’re no longer next to you, but across the room at a party laughing with friends, you can see them in a new light. Their worth snaps back into focus. This act of observation can re-spark the connection and make your time together feel that much more exciting.

Keep in Mind

Khalil Gibran once said, “Let there be space in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.”

It is truly beautiful to love someone deeply, just as it’s beautiful to love ourselves deeply and allow the freedom to nurture ourselves. If you’re spending too much time together and depend on the other for happiness, it creates an energetic block. The stagnancy prevents personal development and stunts the relationship's growth.

Granting yourself permission for space gives you the time to tap into yourself and return to the relationship in a resourced state. Distance can indeed make the heart grow fonder.

Read Next: 40 Questions to Build Intimacy in a Relationship

Read the original article on Verywell Mind.